Nine Months

---

All right.

Toast time.

All right.

Um, this is,

amazingly enough, to us.

Five incredible,

incredible years.

Cheers.

Come here.

Brendan, we're leaving

in five minutes, sweetie.

Samuel.

Yeah?

Do you want more?

No, thanks.

No. I've had lots.

No. Not lunch.

I mean

more for us.

By which you mean

the big "M"...

Marriage, huh?

Well... yeah.

Um, I'm over 30,

and I feel like

something's missing.

O.K. Well,

you know, what?

What could possibly

be missing?

Let's look at that,

because, you know,

we live in

a fantastic apartment.

My practice

is really good.

We get on better

than most married couples.

Sure.

Life is dangerously close

to perfection actually,

so, uh, why would you

want to change things?

Why change

what's perfect?

Yeah?

Right.

O.K.

Uh, new toast.

To stability.

Honey!

Oh, God!

Sh*t, honey.

I hit a guy. Come on!

Are you all right?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I know CPR.

Aah...

O.K.

You're conscious! I thought

you were French kissing.

I was trying to scream.

Don't get up.

He's all right.

It's under control,

madam. Thank you.

Does your head hurt?

Yes.

Are you nauseated?

Very.

Open your eyes!

Wide! Wide!

Aah!

Your pupils

aren't dilated.

You're O.K.

I brought you back!

He's O.K. Let him up.

All right.

Whoa. Sorry, buddy.

No. Careful.

No lawsuit.

Good. No lawsuit.

Yeah. Marty Dwyer.

Yeah.

Samuel Faulkner.

How you doing?

Good to meet you.

A big wind

came along and bam!

Cracked you

on the noggin,

but I guess

you know that.

Kids, stop that!

Your manners.

There's plenty.

Help yourselves.

This sucks.

It tastes like poo!

Oh, bloody hell.

What did I say about spitting

in people's food?

Oh, please.

Here, eat this.

Eat that, honey.

You know, I know you.

I don't think so.

You're Sean's friend,

the kiddie, you know,

shrink.

Yes. I'm a psychotherapist.

Like some help

with your children?

I met you last year

at Sean's loft.

I'm his sister Gail.

Oh, hi.

I'm Rebecca.

Nice to see you again.

Look, I'm sorry.

That's beluga.

It's $64 an ounce.

It's not dog food.

I'll write you a check.

No, it's fine.

It's just...

O.K.

Kids,

say thank you to the man

for the nice cheese

and give him

a big hug!

Thank you!

Pleasure.

Kids, break it up.

We got stuff to do.

Have a little bit.

Just a bit.

No. Come on.

Come on, Sprinkler.

Let's go.

Hope we didn't ruin

your picnic.

No. Why would you

think that?

Take it easy.

See you around.

Bye.

You see... breeders,

perfect example

of the product of change.

The swelling's

gone down.

It's still quite painful, actually.

You know,

all I'm saying

is there should be

two areas on the beach,

one for adults

and one for children.

Then everyone's happy.

Is that any better?

Yeah.

That's much better.

You're

too tense.

You need to

loosen up.

Come on.

I love you.

I adore you.

Oh, yeah.

My dad's an a**hole.

O.K.

Good.

Interesting.

Um, is that

something

you can maybe

elaborate on

a little bit

for me, Truman?

O.K.

Great.

My dad's

a giant a**hole!

Yeah.

O.K. When you

bring your arms up,

round like this,

O.K., Eleanor?

Round. Round.

There you go.

Yeah. O.K.

Like this,

Miss Rebecca?

Look. Look at that.

I don't know

about Truman.

I'll get him

to open up,

but he's got very

severe problems,

and we know who

to thank, don't we?

Huh?

You know,

his parents.

The state

requires you

to take a written test

to drive a car,

but any moron

can become a parent

and just destroy

a child's life.

It's like people

have babies on a whim.

Surely, to be a parent

you have to plan ahead.

Say, do I want to

become a parent?

Am I ready?

I'm pregnant.

What?

Pregnant?

Watch out!

Watch out!

Aah!

Watch out!

Well, I guess you

don't want the baby.

Sir, your car will be

ready in a minute.

You're lucky

the engine's

in the back.

Yeah. Right.

Hi.

Ready in a minute.

Good.

So, um...

we are absolutely certain

about this, right?

Well, my period's

Right.

And there's no way

you could have had it

and just not noticed?

Sorry. Ridiculous.

That was stupid. Stupid.

Could you be a little

more positive about this,

more supportive?

I'm trying to

be positive.

Killing us in a head-on

collision is not positive.

It must have been shock.

Out of the blue,

you say you're pregnant.

It was just

a little bit unexpected

was probably the reason

for the crash.

I thought you were

using birth control.

I was.

Your car's ready now,

sir.

Great.

Oh...

you don't believe me!

No?

You think I got pregnant

behind your back.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Do you think

I planned this?

I'm as flipped out

as you are.

I suppose

I just thought

that birth control

had a little teeny element

of control about it.

Thought it was supposed

to be foolproof.

Nothing is foolproof.

It's only 97% effective.

It says so on the box.

Yeah. Right.

So 3% completely

bloody ineffective.

They should put that

on the box.

Here you are.

Thanks.

We're off.

Hey. Hey.

Sean.

Who's the blonde?

No idea.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

Hey,

how are you?

Hi.

Hey,

this is Bobbie.

Hi.

This is Rebecca

and Sam.

Hi.

I was getting worried

about you guys.

What happened

to this car?

Oh, long story.

What happened to Christine?

A long story.

So this is where

you two are going to stay.

Yeah, lovely.

So, what do you

think of her?

What,

you mean the blonde?

She's attractive.

Very attractive.

She's 25 years old.

Her skin

is like ribbon candy.

Breasts

like sponge cake.

Her calves

are like calzone.

I mean,

highly edible.

Highly edible.

She's crazy

about sex.

This is somebody

to get me over

the rough spots.

Mmm. What do you mean?

What rough spots?

Oh, Christine

left me.

Oh, sh*t.

When?

Oh, uh...

a week ago.

What happened?

Well...

she wanted

a child.

I'm sorry.

Are you O. K?

Yep. Yep.

What an idiot.

Leave that.

Got it.

She said she wanted...

She, uh...

Christine wanted a baby.

She was hungry

for seed,

so I closed

the iron door,

denied her

my essence.

You know,

I'm not ready

to be biologically

extraneous.

She would have

devoured me

from the head down,

chewed up

my manhood,

swallowed my youth,

and gobbled me up

like some

praying mantis.

Not for me.

What do you mean,

praying mantis?

The female mantis,

after she has sex

with her mate,

she eats him.

Oh, yeah.

But Christine

wasn't pregnant

or anything

like that?

No. What do you mean?

Like on the sly?

On the sly,

or, you know,

in the run of things.

On the s... No.

I mean, Christine

has her faults,

but I don't know

who would do that.

That's a knife

in the back.

Yeah.

You know, that's...

No, of course not.

That's

some voodoo woman

who puts pins

in her diaphragm.

Ha ha.

Spooky, Sam.

That's a she-snake.

That's like

the most hateful,

cruel, sneaky,

horrible thing

you can do.

Who would do that?

No! No!

Aah!

Aah!

They eat the father!

They eat the father!

They eat him!

Honey. Honey, what?

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