Nine Months Page #7

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Rebecca Faulkner

for Dr. Green.

Her water's broken.

I'll get the doctor.

Come on. Move!

Hey! Don't push me.

I'll get the doctor.

How are you?

The baby's ready.

What do you mean,

ready?

To come out!

Jesus Christ almighty,

where is

the bloody doctor?

Here I am.

- Aah!

- Aah!

Please don't do that.

No. No.

Hi. Where's Dr. Green?

Where's our doctor?

Miami.

He's on vacation.

You are two weeks early.

You're not the replacement

doctor, are you?

Yes, I am.

No. No.

I want

someone else.

There is nobody else.

There must be!

Find me another doctor!

There's no one else!

All right?

It is a full moon.

Everybody has gone into labor.

Look around!

There are not enough

doctors and nurses.

There are not

enough delivery rooms.

Unless you want to deliver

this baby yourself,

follow me!

Ow!

Oh, God! I'm O.K.

I'm a little nervous,

O. K?

It's my first delivery.

If there aren't

any rooms,

where is she

having the baby?

I'll put her

with another patient.

We're sharing a room?

I'm sorry. We're a little

overbooked, O. K?

Let's go. Let's go.

Get this woman

on the delivery table

immediately,

if not later.

Come on. Let's go.

Where are you taking me?

You're looking good.

You're dilated

to 7 centimeters.

How much is that?

O. K? Got it?

She's very good, O. K?

You look uncomfortable.

I'm going

to raise you down.

No! Don't touch

anything!

All right.

Get somebody over here!

Hey, buddy.

No!

What are you doing here?

I'm cruising

for chicks.

I'm having a baby!

Hi. Hi!

How you feeling?

Isn't this terrible,

just terrible?

Sounds very good.

Where's my husband?

It's a full moon!

Women are

spouting them out!

Good.

Everybody's old friends.

Back to work!

Smile, Doc.

How's she doing?

Great.

God bless America, O. K?

Ooh...

Honey, smile for me.

I love you. Smile.

You're so beautiful.

It's not bad, is it?

It doesn't hurt.

I want something

for the pain.

O.K. I'll get you

something.

Knock me out!

Knock me ow-ow-ow...

Give her something

for the pain!

You don't want

natural childbirth?

No!

O.K.

You want Anastasia?

What?

Drugs, yes?

Yes!

Give me a moment.

I'm thinking.

You mean

you don't know?

Kind of.

Think,

you Commie bastard!

Shut up,

you Limey prick!

Sorry.

I can't take

the pressure.

Don't yell at me.

Yes. Yes. It's fine.

Oh...

Valium.

Valium's

no good for her!

No, for me!

No!

I've got it!

Oh, thank God!

Nurse,

call the anesthesiologist.

This woman needs an enema.

An enema?

- Enema?

- Enema?

No. Uh...

she needs a pedicure!

This ain't

no beauty parlor.

Epitaph.

She's not dead,

you moron!

Epidermis?

What is it, Epilady?

Epidural, a**hole!

That's right! Yes!

That's what I mean.

Epidural.

Epidural.

I always

get those confused...

enema, pedicure, epidermal.

I should buy myself

a clitoris.

A thesaurus.

You don't know

what a clitoris is.

What are you doing?

Go away from here.

I'm proud of you.

I love you.

I hate you!

You did this to me,

you miserable piece of

dick-brained horseshit

slime-sucking

son of a whore b*tch!

That's perfect,

sweetheart.

The kids will love it.

I'll put it...

Ooh!

Get out! Get out!

You're the one!

You are the one!

Hi, everyone.

I'm Dr. Newsoe.

I'm here to administer

the epidural.

Oh, yes! Thank God!

You inject that thing

into my wife?

Mm-hmm.

Right into her spine.

Mm-hmm. Good. Excellent.

Whoa... hey!

Look, you see?

That is why women

have the babies...

because men

can't handle the pa-aa...

Hey, you guys!

Get some smelling salts

and get these men up

off the floor!

Help me! Help me!

I need some help.

I need some help.

Oh!

- Aah!

- Aah!

No time

for an epidural.

Why?

No time, Doctor.

I checked her cervix.

She's dilated to 10.

Doctor, this woman

is also dilated to 10.

Hi, everybody.

Smile big!

Give me a smile.

What are you doing?

I'm making you a souvenir.

Isn't it great?

Get that thing

off her face!

Give it to me!

No! I got a great shot

of the head!

A**hole.

You broke my camera.

Ooh!

Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

Bastard!

Be right back.

It's too late

for the medication!

Hold on! I'm coming!

Whoa! Oh!

Keep breathing.

Breathe. Breathe.

Oh!

I cannot believe

you're fighting now!

This is my moment.

Your moment.

This is my miracle.

Samuel!

Aah! Oh!

Now we're ready

for the final push,

all right?

And you push!

There you go!

And... she's out!

Nurse.

The clamp.

There we go.

And the scissors.

And she's free from you.

You have a girl,

unless I cut the wrong cord.

Bad joke.

Go see Papa.

O.K.

Congratulations, Papa.

You have a big,

beautiful girl.

Can we still

call her Samuel?

She's not yours.

She's yours.

No, she's not.

I've already got

three girls!

Four, actually,

counting this one.

Holy sh*t!

Oh...

Aah! Aah!

What's going on here,

honey?

I bought

all that cowboy stuff

and the sports stuff

and all the other stuff.

Is there another one

in there, honey?

Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, but how's she going

to play for the 49ers?

She could play.

No. You think so?

Yeah. She could do anything.

Yeah.

A pretty good arm.

Push!

Come on.

Work for your baby.

Aah!

All right!

I know it hurts,

but you have to come back now.

Listen to me, O. K?

I don't want you

to tear.

You have to control

your push.

It's burning.

It's burning.

Pant.

There you go.

The baby's head is out.

Bulb syringe.

One more push,

and you will see your baby.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

That's it...

the final push!

There we go. Ready?

Easy. Easy.

Go, baby!

And... he's out!

You had it!

Another clamp, please.

Another clamp.

Open your eyes.

Take a look

at your son.

You have a boy.

A beautiful boy.

Say hello to Papa.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Thank you

for choosing me.

He's very handsome.

He's got very big

testicles, too.

Well, yes.

He would have.

Hey.

Thanks.

See this?

I know. It's great,

isn't it?

We...

We're a family.

Thanks.

Hey.

I think she's

looking at me.

She's got your eyes.

Think so?

Yeah, and your hair,

and your figure,

in fact.

Shut up.

I guess having another

girl's not so bad.

You just have to keep

trying for a boy.

Think of all

the new positions.

Yeah.

Jesus, poor Gail.

Listen, I'm sorry

about your camera.

No. I was

out of line.

It's my fault.

Mart, um...

I, uh...

I just want

to say thanks.

For what?

Well, for today,

for, um...

Without you and Gail,

I just probably

wouldn't be here,

probably wouldn't

be a dad, so...

You're welcome, buddy.

I love you, man.

And I love you,

big guy!

Hey,

we did it, huh?

I'm sorry about

what happened.

Oh, no, no.

No, really. We

underestimated you.

Without you?

Come on.

We make a great team!

Hey, Doc, have you been

celebrating a little bit?

Just a little.

Come on. We'll crack

another bottle, O. K?

I'll be right back,

but first I have

to circumcise your son.

O.K.

What?

Sh*t!

Dr. Kosevich...

I'll go.

Shh-shh-shh.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry if we woke you.

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