No Stranger Than Love Page #5

things? I am so f***ing tired of me.

And all I want to do at this particular

moment in my particular life is this...

Clint Coburn is in a hole in

the living room of my house.

Lucy!

Lucy, is that you?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yes.

It's me all right. I'm back.

Lucy, do not say a thing until I say one word to you,

one magic word that will unlock your treasure box

and free your gems and...

Oh, God, can you hear me?

Now I'm talking like a poet or something.

Because down here, there are no distractions.

No sensations. No nothing.

Except for my whiskers starting to itch a little

and I'm starving for a

cheeseburger, that kinda thing.

But except for that what I am

is just a floating chunk of

unbelievably pure clarity.

Oh, Lucy, Lucy, I want to be with you.

I want to hold you.

I want to wrap my arms around you.

I want to suck your entire head into my mouth

and run my tongue around you like a...

Like a f***ing lollipop.

I mean, do you hear how I'm phrasing things now?

Oh, and here's the magic word

that I want to say to you

that I see with such clarity,

jump.

Jump! Be with me!

It will be like loving in dreams.

Holding each other, naked, floating

alone in the blackness, forever!

Where are you going?

I... I stole a bike.

I'm gonna return it.

You know, it seems like you got a

lot on your plate at the moment

so you don't need me in your hair.

You're not in my hair.

You're not.

And Clint Coburn is not on my plate.

He's never been on my plate.

Never. I just...

- Freeze, police!

- Howard!

Lucy, clear the area!

Dude, back away from the merchandise!

Hands high!

Reach for the sky!

Do not make me do what I do not want to do!

Howard, good lord, there's no need for a gun!

You left your bag at the precinct, girl!

Do not come and get it yet!

Tough guy, huh?

I had a hunch, girl. You okay?

Howard, he's done nothing.

Here.

Oh.

And then, where is Clint Coburn?

- He's...

- Swell question, officer.

Where could that Clint Coburn be?

Well, that's cute.

Get in there. Huh.

You got a lot of courage, girl.

I'm afraid there's gonna be a lot

of questions, a lot of paperwork.

We'll do it together.

Make it fun.

Okay.

Just uh... up. Up we go.

Phew!

Here we go.

All right, be safe now.

- Whoops.

- You dropped something.

Dropped it.

Whoo!

How you doing?

Why don't you watch your mouth?

Hi. Hi, Ms. Sherrington.

I have to talk to you right now.

Alex!

I know about coach Coburn, okay?

You know what about coach Coburn, Alex?

That you killed him, but that doesn't

matter to me because I love you.

Oh great, now they've got dogs.

Um... oh, you know what?

I have got a spot right nearby that

nobody knows about where we can hide.

Dogs?

Yeah, listen, you can hear them.

I'll be 40 when you're 53.

- That's not bad, right?

- Alex!

Coach Coburn is not dead.

He's in my house.

He fell in a hole.

A hole?

- Listen.

- Where are you?

Lucy!

- Okay. Okay, um...

- Where are you?

We go to my secret spot anyway.

It's okay that coach Coburn isn't dead.

I mean, we can go there even

if you just want to rest there

or get away from the search party.

It's not far, I promise.

Okay.

I don't want to hear a single peep, little bird.

- No.

- No, what?

Yeah.

No, no, not a lollipop, I should've said popsicle.

I should've said popsicle.

That makes much more sense.

- Hello?

- Clint?

Is that you in there, coach?

Um, no!

Mayor, it is not.

Everything is very normal in here.

What in God's name?

This hole is invigorating.

It's scientifically invigorating.

Well, then jump on in if it's so invigorating.

Invigorating, my ass.

I... I was just...

I'm sorry everybody, I didn't

mean that bit about my ass.

Hey, no problem.

It's all guys up here, coach.

- It's John here.

- Yeah, thanks, John.

Are you fishing around, Clint?

I sure am, Mr. mayor!

It just opened up.

It's so odd.

It's so strange.

- Wow.

- But Clint was at my house because

we were about to have an affair.

Yeah, we... we guessed that.

- You did?

- Yeah!

- Oh, yeah.

- It was pretty clear.

I mean, Verna and everything.

How could I have done that to her?

Oh.

I told him I loved him.

Who doesn't do that?

That's no big deal.

Don't you think that's a very big thing,

to tell someone you love him?

Well, sweetie you made a hopeful guess.

Who hasn't guessed wrong, right?

- I do all the time.

- Yeah.

Because listen to this, it's not even 24 hours later

and now his voice makes my skin crawl.

How can that be?

How could I have said "I love you" to this man?

Listen, that skin crawling part,

that can take years to get to.

- You're very lucky.

- Yeah.

I don't know anything about anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now

Verna, blow your nose, okay?

Everything's okay, just blow.

I will, I am, I am.

I microwaved some lasagna.

Lasagna. Yummy.

But you didn't come home.

Well, honey, how could I come home, okay?

I'm in a hole.

Verna, sweetie, do not worry, all right,

they're gonna get me out of here.

We got a great fire department.

Of course, they're gonna get you out of here.

- Yeah, we do.

- Sweetie.

What were you doing here?

Here?

Yeah because you said you were

going to the school so...

Well, I...

I went to the school.

I went there and I watched the game films.

Ask herb, the janitor, he saw me.

You know, but this... This hole is

what we should be talking about.

What is it?

Yes.

What is it?

What is this hole?

How can this be?

Well, we don't know, Verna.

- Oh, hey.

- All we know at the present moment

is that there is a hole and Clint's in it.

And it just opened up?

She just opened right up.

Huh.

Sweetie, what were you doing here?

Uh, doing?

Yes. When it opened up, what were you...

Why were you here at Lucy Sherrington's

house when it opened up?

I guess, is what I'm a little confused about.

Well, because Ms. Sherrington

is the art teacher, that's why.

Where else would I go?

Go for what?

For what?

For the dummies.

Look, is this important?

I'm in a hole, for God sakes.

What dummies?

I told you about the dummies, I know I did.

Paper mache blocking dummies for the football team.

Look, is that rope still coming?

Is Lucy available?

Are you out of your mind?

The thing sucked him out of thin air.

It's obviously an act of God, everybody knows that.

UFO?

I mean, who ever heard of a UFO just

sittin' there letting you look at it?

I'm just saying maybe it's from outer space.

I don't think so.

I say the entire thing is an optical illusion.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what the hole is

and I'll tell you right now and

there's no if ands or buts about it.

It's a mouth!

It's saying "shut up you little fools.

"Just stop trying to make sense out of everything.

"And go outside in the moonlight

"and make love in a corn field

"before some hole comes and swallows you down."

Get that man another beer.

Yeah, well, everybody can laugh but I got four kids

and to tell you the truth,

I don't know why we're not calling

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