No Stranger Than Love Page #6

in the national guard or somebody.

Well, Vernon, you're the science

teacher, do you think the hole poses

a threat to our community?

Um, I think this hole,

in my opinion, poses a threat

to nothing but our arrogance.

You know, we think we can know everything.

We think we can cage everything with words.

You might as well ask me in a

language I've never heard,

to describe, in a language I don't speak,

the taste of a food I've never eaten.

What we have, in my opinion,

in the floor of Lucy Sherrington's home, is a...

Is a peephole into the vast

landscape of our ignorance.

It's an exhilarating and humbling view

into our frailty and limitations.

That's what I think the hole is.

Here. It's cocoa.

Were you warm enough last night?

Yes, I was, yes.

It's a wonderful sleeping bag.

Oh, Alex,

I'm wearing your pajamas and my hair's all stringy

and my mouth's all mossy

and I'm behaving like a crazy lady.

What do you think of Ms. Sherrington now?

It's, uh, different.

What is?

Being here with you.

It's, uh...

It's different than I thought it would be.

It's always different than you think, Alex.

You think about doing something and then you do it

and it's always different than what you thought.

Always. Absolutely always.

Then,

how can anybody ever make a promise?

The jamboree.

Afraid that's it.

- What's it?

- We're out.

What do you mean "out"?

Outta things to tie together, it looks like, coach.

Out? Out?

For now, anyways.

Plus mayor, the jamboree's starting up.

Well, f*** the jamboree!

Drapes! Tie drapes together!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was way out of line.

I'm just...

I am going ape-sh*t down here.

Okay?

I just... I need to get a message to Verna.

Is that... is that possible?

All right, I need to tell her that I made a mistake.

You stay tight down there, coach.

Everyone's going to the jamboree.

And as soon as it's over, I guarantee

you we're gonna string together

every last thing in this town

that has two ends on it.

And that's a promise from the mayor.

Breaker one nine, breaker one nine,

coach Coburn to John.

John you read me?

I read you, coach.

Loud and clear.

- You read me?

- Loud and clear, John.

Keep it coming, big fella.

Gimme more.

Okay. Uh...

Hole or no hole, let's raise the roof

for our own coach Coburn!

Thank you, mayor. Thank you very

much for that fantastic poem.

Now as all of you probably

know by now, I am in a hole.

A very strange hole indeed.

And maybe poetry is just the thing

we need when the hour seems dark.

I'm reminded of the poem Casey at the bat.

And while it doesn't deal with a hole per Se,

and it's baseball not football,

Casey does strike out at the end which

is something we are not going to do

tomorrow afternoon against Roseville high!

Now I want you to know that

I don't get choked up a lot

and maybe it's because I'm floating around

like a fart in the middle of the night,

but your applause coupled with those honking horns

actually produced a lump in my throat.

- Aw.

- And who actually

produced a lump in your pants,

you stinking, lying, cheating stick of horseshit?

Lucy Sherrington, that's who!

Hello? What's...

What's happening?

Hello?

Paper mache, my big fat ass.

You were at Lucy Sherrington's house

for one reason and one reason only, sex!

Verna! Verna, wait!

Verna, there's something I need to tell you.

All of you!

You all should be ashamed for not

knowing exactly what that hole is!

Ashamed!

Somebody! Anybody!

Just rub her temples!

It is a note!

It is a very clearly written note from up there.

A note that says "no, no, no.

Oh no, you don't do that!

"You don't kick people who love you!

"Do not be fooled by beauty!"

Look at me!

I'm in my slippers.

My handkerchief weighs a pound.

Beauty did this to me.

Beauty is empty.

Beauty is cruel.

Love is loving someone who is covered in snot!

Snot! Snot!

Love me!

Love me!

Love me!

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Verna!

Listen to Verna!

Verna is right!

Verna is right about everything!

Clint Coburn and I were going to do a terrible thing.

A horrible, selfish, terrible thing.

But the hole opened up.

The hole saved us. And...

And I am begging you, Verna, to forgive me.

To forgive us. Because love

had nothing to do with it.

Nothing.

And love can be so lovely.

And... and the hope of love

is so heartbreaking and that's all it was.

Hope!

You know when somebody smiles

and we smile back and...

And then, whoosh, we're gone,

sucked inside somebody else, helpless, helpless.

And all I want is to cash a check and it's sex.

Or to buy some mayonnaise and it's sex.

Or to say hello and it's sex!

Or to put a flower in my hair.

A flower, a simple flower,

and it all turns to humping and dogs humping

and cats jizzing on a curtain.

And all because of hope.

Sweet, sweet hope and...

And Verna, if there is a better noise to make

than saying the words "I am sorry,"

then please tell me and I will make that noise

again and again and again

until you know that love had nothing to do with it.

Nothing.

And everyone, thank you for voting for me.

I've been a terrible queen.

No.

And I'm sorry Mom and Dad

for making you worry and for being so crazy

and for saying "jizz."

Aw.

I'm tired of holding this thing in,

I love you, Lucy.

And my love is the real thing.

Yeah, well, I'm the one that

loves her. She's my Lucy.

No, she's nobody's Lucy.

Love is not about owning, it's about freeing.

Lucy, I give you your freedom.

Well, ladies and gentleman, hold on to your hats,

because here's a news flash,

I love Lucy and we're going to Uganda.

What?

What?

Well, are you willing to strap

yourself till the end of time

to the leg of the woman you love?

I am! That's love!

No!

Love is the eternal echo of the first heartbeat.

It's the gasping at the soul

at the illusion of perfection.

I just want to point out that being great

in the sack hasn't been mentioned.

That can make up for a lot of

dead spots down the road.

- So...

- I second that.

Clinton,

my husband, down in that deep dark hole,

this is your wife Verna.

And I will tell you what love is, because now I know.

Love is weak,

and love is helpless,

because all I really want,

as it turns out, is you in my arms.

Then I say what Verna wants, Verna gets.

Folks, we have to construct a lifeline to Clint.

Yeah!

So if you can tie it, bring it!

If it's got two ends on it, we need it!

If it's hanging from something

else, then disassemble it!

So unstrap your straps!

Untether your tethers!

Unchain your chains!

Unleash your dogs!

De-belt your pants!

And if your pants fall down, well,

then tie those fallen pants together!

So pull down your drapes!

Unmake your beds!

Tie your bedspreads together!

Tie your sheets to your sheets and

your pillowcases to pillowcases!

Everyone! To the hole!

To the hole!

Wait!

I got it. I got it!

- You got it?

- Yes!

I'm tugging!

Can you feel me tug?

- Yeah! He's got it.

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