No Strings Attached Page #2

- F*** you!

Adam. All right,

I'm not the perfect dad.

But the worst thing you can do in life

is to say no to love.

And I think she really loves me.

Don't.

Adam.

Hey, you know the best part

about my gay dads?

What?

They're never gonna eat out

my ex-girlfriends.

That's true.

Hey, I heard. You and your dad

are tunnel buddies, huh?

- Wow, Wallace!

- She chose your dad over you, man.

That's like trading an iPod

for a 8 track.

You need to get even. Go have sex

with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Hey, you think

when he's busting a nut,

he's like, "Great Scott"? No?

Wait. Can we talk about something else?

Like, literally, anything else?

- Yeah.

- Of course. Yeah.

- Great Scott.

- OK.

- That's it. I'm going for it.

- Going for what?

I'm gonna call every girl in my phone

until someone agrees

to have sex with me.

- That's strong. Toast to that.

- Toast.

That is a terrible,

self-destructive plan,

and we're behind you

a hundred percent.

Well, hello to you!

Yeah, I can come to Ohio.

Ohio? No, you can't.

I'll take a cab.

No, it's fine. I'll come to you.

What hospital?

I just really need to be

with someone right now.

Hey, I was wondering...

Do you have someplace

I could put my boner?

No, it's just... we could just snuggle

or something.

What? Well, how old are you?

- Oh...

- OK.

I got it! I got it.

I got it. I got it.

I got it!

You don't remember my name, do you?

It's OK.

It's Shira, and you look like

you could use some coffee.

Yes. Coffee's good.

I got...

Where are my pants?

I don't know. They could be anywhere.

Here's your coffee.

Thank you.

Did you have a good time last night?

It was all right.

Nothing special.

Listen, I want you to know that...

...I respect you.

Thank you.

Normally, I would remember

the name of someone that I've...

What? Oh, my God.

Did you think we had sex?

Oh, my God, we did not have sex.

Hey, Adam.

You left your socks in my room.

- Did I?

- You did.

Did I, by chance, leave

my pants in your room?

No. When we met,

you weren't wearing pants.

Stop teasing him, you guys.

- Patrice. Hey, I know you.

- Hey.

- Yeah.

- OK.

What happened last night?

- Did we do it?

- We had sex.

Yeah. I really liked it.

I didn't know that my body

could handle that much pain.

And that I would like it.

You're up.

Emma.

- You live here?

- Yep.

You feeling any better?

Did I have sex with anyone

in this apartment last night?

No, you didn't.

- No. Sorry.

- You didn't.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's... that's funny.

Let's make fun

of the hung-over naked guy.

But I do have your pants,

so if you want them, come with me.

Yes. Thank you.

You don't have to feel embarrassed,

because we're all doctors,

so we see literally

hundreds of penises a week.

I see thousands.

I just pulled a penis out

of a VitaminWater yesterday.

- So, we are cool with penises here.

- OK.

We're professionals.

Well...

It has been a pleasure.

Bravo.

- Nice.

- Bravo, bravo.

Yep, I'm definitely gay.

So, how did I get here?

You texted me

that it was an emergency,

and then I texted you my address,

and then you came over.

And I think you thought

you were at home,

because you started

taking off all your clothes.

Oh, God.

- Here are your pants.

- Thank you.

So...

- Did I just pass out on your couch?

- No.

No, then you did this thing.

It was...

...like a dance?

- Dance?

- Yeah, like...

- I shook my dick at you?

- Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.

No, no, it was... it was exciting.

It was like you were cheering

while you were doing it.

You were like, "Look at my dick!"

- Did you look at it?

- Yeah, I looked.

It was nice.

You have a really nice penis.

- Nice?

- It seems kind of like carefree.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Jesus. I don't know where to start.

My dad's...

My dad's dating my ex-girlfriend.

You told me about it last night.

Did I tell you like in a charming way?

Was I like charming and funny

when I told you?

Yeah. You were...

...naked and crying.

Yeah.

I'm a mess.

Hey.

It's gonna be OK.

Thanks.

Seriously.

Thank you.

I should probably get ready now.

I don't want to be late.

Yeah, it's...

You don't want to be late.

No, that would be bad.

Condom?

- Condom. Get a condom.

- I know. Condoms.

- OK.

- Condoms.

Got it.

- Got it.

- Hurry.

You need help?

- I got it.

- OK.

Here we go.

Oh, you got your...

- Yep.

- Let me just...

- Hey.

- Yeah.

- We're having sex.

- I know.

Emma, we have to be

in the hospital in ten minutes.

OK.

You have 45 seconds to pull

your sh*t together, OK?

- I'm way ahead of you.

- Fine.

Fine.

- Found it!

- Oh, great.

Thank you.

So, we're not gonna

tell anyone about this, OK?

- Yeah. Of course.

- It's just easier that way.

- Definitely.

- Good.

Emma, time to go!

Coming!

- All right?

- Is this?

- No.

- It looks like something happened.

I'm gonna get the bill.

I'll pay for it.

Thank you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hi.

I just wanted to follow up

that text with a phone call.

Wanted to see

if you wanted to hang out again.

I'm starving.

That's weird. You just pulled up

in front of the restaurant

that I'm eating at.

Hey.

Hi.

- Hey. I'm Sam.

- We work together at the hospital.

We have like 15 minutes

to get food, so...

She's just using me for my car.

- You're a doctor?

- Not yet. Fingers crossed.

Awesome.

That's awesome for you.

- Hey, Eli.

- Hey.

Well, we're kind of in a rush,

so it was good seeing you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice meeting you.

You look beautiful today.

Nice meeting you.

You piece of sh*t.

- What?

- "What?" Let me ask you.

Did you have sex with Emma?

No.

Did you have sex with Emma?

Yes.

- I'm not supposed to tell anyone.

- Yes! Wow!

I called her, but she didn't

call me back. She sent me a text.

- All right. Well, what'd she text you?

- "Hi."

- Just "Hi"?

- "Hi."

With nothing else? Just "H-i"?

I don't know. What do I do with that?

I don't know.

That's not good.

You just gotta walk away, pal.

It's over.

- She's not into it.

- Sh*t. Seriously?

- Good seeing you guys.

- See you later.

You really think

she's just using him for his car?

No, Adam, I don't. I think

he wants to f*** her in his Prius.

And the thing

about f***ing in a Prius

is that you don't have

to feel guilty afterwards.

- 'Cause of the carbon footprint.

- Yeah.

- Metzner talked to me the other day.

- Shut up. What did he say?

He was like, "No, you're doing

that wrong." It was amazing.

Emma.

What are you doing here?

Hi. You didn't call me back,

so I thought I'd come here.

It's for you.

"Congrats"? For what?

Having sex with you?

Yeah. You did a good job, so...

I thought you deserved a balloon.

- I'm working.

- OK.

So, what's up with not calling me back?

- I'm not good at this stuff.

- At what, talking?

Yeah, talking. Communicating.

Relationship stuff.

It's just... This is...

If we were in a relationship,

I'd become a weird,

scary version of myself, and...

My throat starts constricting,

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