No Strings Attached Page #3

the walls start throbbing.

It's like a peanut allergy,

like... an emotional peanut allergy.

Well, I can't date you, either.

'Cause you're not my dad's type, so...

Emma, rounds. Hey, Adam.

- What's up?

- Look, I should probably go.

Thank you.

We'll be friends, right?

Yeah, friends.

With the height difference?

We stand next to each other,

it looks like he's kidnapping me.

- What?

- You always do this.

You always find something wrong

with everybody who likes you.

And I date guys

who have real problems.

I date guys who steal my credit card,

and then they tell me it's my fault

because I left it out.

You find these perfect guys,

and then you're like,

"It'll never work, he's too happy."

What's up, Dr. Metzner?

Did I just say "What's up"

to Stephen Metzner?

That was really hard to watch.

Look, I know I'm supposed

to want to be in a relationship.

But I'd just end up with a broken heart

and a bunch of his old T-shirts.

- Just from a purely logical aspect...

- What are you doing?

- I'm texting him.

- Of course you are.

You know, you shouldn't have

gotten her a balloon actually.

Who do you think you are,

the old guy from Up?

You told me to get her a balloon.

Well, I didn't think you'd actually

do it. It's a terrible idea.

Listen. Hey, nobody knows about this,

- so don't say anything to anyone. OK?

- All right, I won't.

- It's from Emma.

- What's it say?

- "Where are you?"

- What are you writing?

"Hi, how are you doing?"

And then a winky face.

No, Adam, it's after 10pm.

Come on, the "Where are you?" text

is like saying:

"Hey, I want to have sex with you,

but I just need to know

how drunk you are."

Hey.

Did you f*** Emma

and then bring her a balloon?

What? Did you tell him?

No! Yes!

- You can't tell anyone.

- She just texted him, "Where are you?"

Oh, she wants the dick.

Adam, you want to come back strong

here. Go from a position of power.

Something like, "Where am I?

Why don't you check your underpants."

- Yeah. Don't write that.

- Yeah!

- I would never write that.

- See, I like to be kind of scary.

Like, "Boo! Here comes my dick."

Did you have sex with some girl

and give her a balloon?

Can we not tell everyone?

I apologize.

So, what'd you write back?

"Hi."

- Yeah, that could work.

- Yeah, it's not bad. "Hi" is fine.

There were so many

interesting things going on.

- Yeah.

- That flippy thing, what was that?

Sure, I just, I don't know,

I had an idea, I just went with it.

- That was a really good call.

- Thank you.

We probably shouldn't snuggle.

Yeah. That just felt wrong.

I should head out.

- Already?

- Yeah.

You want to grab a muffin

or something?

I can't. I have to go to work.

OK. You know,

I don't want to freak you out, but...

...I'd love to hang out with you

in the daytime sometime.

It's not really possible.

I have no time.

I work 80 hours a week,

doing 36-hour shifts.

What I need is someone who's gonna be

in my bed at 2am,

who I don't have to lie

to or eat breakfast with.

I hate breakfast. And lying.

I also hate war.

Do you want to do this?

Do what?

Use each other for sex,

at all hours of the day and night.

Nothing else.

- Yeah, I could do that.

- Good.

It's gonna be fun.

- You know this is never gonna work.

- Why not?

Because clearly you're gonna

fall in love with me.

Oh, really?

Well, then we just do this

until one of us feels something more,

and then we stop.

- Well, it won't be me.

- It won't be me.

Good luck with that.

- Hey.

- Hey.

We're sex friends.

Just friends who have sex.

That's not possible.

I'm going to distribute these

for an hour or so.

Listen, we should keep this simple.

I mean, maybe we should establish

some ground rules.

Ground rules. Good idea.

OK, well, we can start

with no fighting.

- No lying.

- Those are good ones.

No jealousy, no staring deeply

into each other's eyes.

Don't list me as your emergency contact.

I won't come.

Isn't that against

your Hippocratic oath?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- I'd let you die.

- Oh, yeah?

I'll be back in like... an hour.

Have fun.

I'm just getting some yogurt.

God, I am single as f***.

Oh, my God.

It looks like it's coming right at me.

Hey, one more thing.

Don't call my penis cute.

Even if it's dressed up

like a Care Bear,

and it's giving you a Care Stare.

Don't dress up your penis. Ever.

Does your insurance

cover invasive procedures?

OK. OK, this is getting

a little too realistic.

Trust me.

I can't focus on my porn with all this

real sex going on around me!

Yes, I'm ready.

What are you doing?!

I just friended you. Do you think

you're gonna confirm or ignore?

Oh, I'm gonna confirm.

For sure.

Yeah, look at you. Of course.

Anytime.

Need some help?

Oh, beautiful! Beautiful!

...the tomatoes are Australian.

- What was that?

- What?

- Are you being jealous?

- Of that guy? Come on.

Look, even if I did like him,

it doesn't change what we're doing.

- Ah, so you like him.

- Adam, I'm not yours.

No, of course not.

Why would I think that?

Wow. Prius. Nice.

- It's kind of girly, but nice, huh?

- What do you drive?

Just an old BMW.

Five series. Right there.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I actually paid for mine.

I didn't take it from my parents.

Yeah, I paid for mine, too.

Oh, yeah?

You're a big guy.

Do you work out?

Oh. I row.

Like boats?

- I rowed crew at Harvard.

- Oh, Harvard.

What were you, a cocksman?

What do they say?

- What do they call it?

- Coxswain.

No. You know, I get it, right?

That you're sleeping with Emma?

I what?

That you and Emma

have sex sometimes. I get it.

She's tired, she calls you up,

you drive over,

and have sex for, I'm guessing,

ten minutes.

Think that's gonna last?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure you do.

And that's fine, for now.

But you should just know that I'm gonna

be there right next to her every day,

using big words...

...saving people's lives.

Then, when she's done having

her fun with you, she's gonna

come running to me, because

I'm a grownup, and I have a real job.

I can actually take care of her,

you know?

I'm the guy she marries, Adam.

You're the guy she f***ed a couple

of times in the handicapped bathroom.

- What's this?

- These are my feet, Adam.

- They're fantastic.

- No, this.

That's your script.

Your dad told me to give it to you.

Yeah, he read it,

and he gave you notes, and...

I'm not saying Alvin and I

did mushrooms together,

but I'm not prepared

to say that we didn't.

I know that you have issues

with your dad, and that's cool,

but he really likes you

and he definitely likes me,

and we were just jamming ideas

and goofing around

and tripping our balls off.

Hey. So... I really feel

like it needs to be more ghetto.

You know, like, more crunk?

Can you work it out? Thanks.

- Hey. Nice moves.

- Hey.

I know you were trying really hard

out there, but it just didn't work.

Hey, would you ever? I...

I wrote an episode.

- I used to write in college, so...

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