No Way Jose Page #2

in song.

You know you're supposed to

wind down before bed, not up.

Honey, I took like 11 Ambien.

I'll be dead in two minutes.

Santa Barbara.

Right, Santa Barbara.

Um...

Okay, Santa Barbara. Focus.

Honey, I...

I just don't want to be

anywhere when I turn

four... You know...

The thing.

Look, we're going to Mexico, right?

That's good. We're gonna go to

Mexico right after the arraignment.

And then...

Wedding.

Well, I know. It's in a court so it's

really more like an arraignment.

You didn't want a big wedding.

I'm gonna kill you!

I wanted a huge wedding.

I wanted a massive wedding.

Great, let's do it.

I want a gigantic wedding.

With thousands of...

With just thousands

of family members.

Okay.

I want a huge wedding.

What is that?

What, what, what?

That burning?

Honey, it's my sports rub.

Got to warn me.

Assume it's always on.

Jesus Christ.

Pillows everywhere.

Cute.

E-mail from the PTA.

PTA?

You're not...

No, God forbid.

Okay, okay, I was just...

You're safe.

Because that'd be a funny way to find out,

you know?

No, I signed up

for the Friends of Balboa

elementary school mailing list.

Honey, don't you think

that's a little premature?

I mean, we're not

even married yet.

No, but we're gonna be

and I thought it'd be good

to get involved

in the neighborhood.

I mean, that's why you moved to Glendale,

right, for the services?

No, that was

for the interminably

long commute back

into civilization.

Jesus!

What?

This is so gross.

What?

They sent me a link

to a sex crimes registry app.

There's an app for that?

Yeah, apparently.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, honey, don't.

You're downloading?

You don't want to download that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, give it.

Stop it. Honey...

You don't 'cause then your

phone gets filled with smut

and then you get...

"iPervert would like

to use your real location.

"Allow?" Yes, allow.

No, don't allow. Honey, don't allow.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You really don't want to allow.

Hey, calm down on the Ambien.

You're gonna pee in the closet again.

I mean, you don't...

Edward Snowden.

What? Stop,

will you quit it?

What... Babe.

I'm feeling a little, woozy.

Um, maybe from the...

Go get a snack.

Yeah, I...

Well, could you get me a slice of cheese?

No.

I have an idea.

Would you like some cheese?

No, thank you.

You don't want to share

some cheese with me?

No.

No? Are you sure?

No, but I'm thinking...

You don't want any cheese?

You know, we could have like a

fondue party, all '70s-style.

I already brushed my teeth.

Going once.

No, thank you.

All right.

We can invite our friends over.

We get weird.

Things could get weird.

You are getting weird.

Okay, I'm gonna get some cheese.

Okay.

Okay, we're the blue dot.

You cool on cheese?

Yep.

You want some cheese?

Your mom's mom

left your mom's dad

right after she was born, right?

And your grandfather

refused to ever

mention your grandmother's name

and your mom spent her entire

adult life looking for her.

Is that right?

That's right.

And then when she found her,

she learned that her biological father

was actually some

mariachi guy in Mexico

that her mom had

a one night stand with

and so you

re-christened or

de-Jewished yourself

Jose.

That's right.

Gramps as it turned out

wasn't Gramps.

It was some guy named Lupe.

And that's the story,

that's why you changed your name?

Yeah, I mean, it's a true story.

It's the story of Jose Stern.

Or is it the story

of Joseph Stern,

the rapist?

I swear to God...

F***. Whoa.

Hey. Honey.

Honey, no, no.

Sweetie-kins.

Hey, you got to open the...

Come on, sweetie,

I'm f***ed up, man.

Don't call me man.

I'm so hip I even

call my girlfriend man.

I'm your fiance!

It's from a Dave Frishberg tune.

I played you that record.

How much Ambien did you take?

I took some Ambien.

That's what I, you know...

I was trying to tell you. This is just...

This is not...

Maybe, not the best time

for this.

Yeah, well,

maybe you should have thought of that

when you were doing the raping.

Hey, I didn't do the raping.

That's not how you say it.

Come on, man!

Listen, the whole Jose thing,

that's a real thing, man.

I needed street cred

and the Borges and, man...

And I found out I was an

eighth homey and so, you know.

I'm a homey. I'm an eighth homey.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're Mexican.

Unlike Borges,

that's actually Argentinian, but whatever.

It was a three-week

summer fling, you know?

Okay, I was 18, she was 17.

I mean, we were

the same age basically.

You know, I mean, and let me tell

you a little something, man.

This girl knew

her way around the...

I don't know, the rodeo ring,

if you know what I'm talking about.

Ew!

Listen, listen,

the point is...

The point is...

Holy sh*t.

The door is breathing.

Is the door

breathing on your side?

No.

Okay.

Look, sweetie, sweetie...

I just wanted

to get laid, that's all.

I just wanted to

lose my virginity. Okay?

But the thing is, honey,

she fell in love with me.

Because guys like me,

they don't just go and...

They can't just get laid.

You know, they have

to write poems and songs,

so I wrote her these songs.

Her name was Gia.

It was like...

Gia

I can't do it right now.

But the point is,

is that she fell in love.

And she tells her father,

and her father freaks out

because he thinks

she's a virgin.

Which is crazy,

because if you saw

the build on this girl,

it's just not...

Virginity was not an option

for this girl, okay?

The dad...

Honey, you listening?

The dad turns out

to be a sheriff's deputy.

Okay?

And now I'm in an app!

Okay.

Fine.

Why didn't you

tell me this sooner?

I don't know.

Because I...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

You know, I think between

seeing my mommy naked

like way too much as a child

and my father's facts

of life talk consisting of

palming me with a strip of his

old rubbers like he was tipping a

bellhop.

What?

Sick sh*t, right?

I mean, this guy didn't even give me his...

I'm coming. It's the stairs.

You got a house

with too many stairs.

I mean, seriously, honey,

they weren't even reservoir tip.

I mean, they were like vintage

1950 father condoms.

I didn't mean, "What?

Please repeat,"

or "What?

Please free associate."

I've heard these stories.

Okay.

Got... Check.

Okay. So what?

So you lied to me because

your parents have sex organs

and because your dad is awkward?

I'm saying that it was

a very difficult...

1970s were a difficult

era for a young man

and his mother.

I think that if

you were to think about

Generation X it would be

less about the letter X

and more about

it maybe being E-X...

Children from, broken...

I'm saying

that maybe it's

not that big of a deal?

That's what you're going with?

You're a registered sex offender,

but it's no big deal.

Given my options,

I guess that's what I'm going with.

Listen, it's not, you know...

I'm Tier 2.

I don't know if you're familiar with the...

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