Noises Off... Page #2

I'm Tramplemain.

Walking in here as if you own the place,

I thought you was a burglar.

No, I just dropped in

to go into a few things.

To check some of the measurements.

Do one or two odd jobs.

And I'm showing

a prospective tenant the house.

- What's wrong with the door?

- She's thinking of renting it.

Her interest is definitely roused.

- That's not the bedroom.

- The bedroom?

No, that's the downstairs bathroom

and W.C. suite.

This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

- Clackett, dear.

- She's not really here.

- Only it's the color.

- It's the Royal.

- It's black and white at home.

- Don't worry about us.

I'll have the sound on low.

- We'll just inspect the house.

- Only now I've lost the newspaper.

- [Lloyd] Sardines!

- I'm sorry about this.

That's all right,

we don't want the television, do we?

Sardines!

I forgot the sardines.

Lloyd! These damn sardines.

We gotta do something about them.

We can't go on like this.

- Can't go on like what, Garry?

- It's all right for you,

but we've got to work with these sardines.

We all feel the same, don't we?

- Sorry?

- The sardines.

- What sardines?

- We're up here working our asses off,

and there are four plates of sardines

coming on in Act I alone.

You want something instead of sardines,

is that what you're saying?

You want Poppy

to mash up some banana?

We don't want four plates

of mashed banana.

We're changing the sardines.

- We're not angry at you, Poppy.

- No, we think the sardines are lovely.

I'm perfectly happy

with the sardines if you are.

I am, if you are, hon.

Garry, what exactly are you saying?

Simply this. Here we are,

busting our guts up here, and Christ.

- I see. You got that?

- Um, well...

Right and on we go, from Dotty's exit.

And Poppy?

- Yes?

- Don't let this happen again.

Oh, no.

I just thought

we should get that straight.

- Of course, as long as Dotty's happy.

- Absolutely happy.

Would you do something for me?

Anything, sweetheart.

Take the sardines off with you.

- [Garry] I'm sorry about this.

- [Brooke] That's all right.

We don't want the television, do we?

She's been in the family for generations.

Great. Come on, then.

I have to be in Basingstoke by 4:00.

Perhaps we should just have champagne.

Take it up with us.

Don't let my files out of sight.

- No, only...

- What?

She has been in the family for generations.

Sardines!

It's not for me to say of course,

dear, only I will.

Take the plunge,

you'll really enjoy it here.

- Great.

- Won't she, love?

- Yes.

- And we'll enjoy having you.

- Won't we, love?

- Terrific.

Sardines! Can't put your feet up

on an empty stomach, can you?

See? She thinks it's great.

She's even making us sardines.

I think she's terrific.

- Terrific.

- So, which way?

Before she comes back with the sardines.

- Up here?

- Yes.

- In here?

- Yes!

It's another bathroom.

Always trying to get me in the bathroom.

I mean, in here.

- A black sheet.

- That's the linen closet.

This one!

- You're in a real state.

- Come on, then.

You can't even get the door open.

[doors banging]

This is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

Look at it.

Hold it!

And God said, "Hold it"!

And they held it,

and God saw that it was terrible.

- [Garry] Sorry, the door won't open.

- Sorry, folks, this door won't close.

And God said, Poppy!

Am I doing something wrong?

You know how stupid I am about doors.

- Freddie, darling, you're doing it perfectly.

- As long as it wasn't me who broke it.

And there was Poppy.

And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply.

- "And fetch Tim, to fix the doors".

- God, I love tech rehearsals.

She loves tech rehearsals, isn't she just...

Where's Dotty?

- Everyone's always so nice to everyone.

- Isn't she... She really is.

Belinda's being all, you know.

Freddie, don't you like

a nice all-night tech rehearsal?

Only thing I like about them

is you get to sit on the furniture.

Freddie, it's so good to see you

cheering up and making jokes.

Was that a joke?

This is such a nice company to work with.

Such a happy company.

Wait till we get to Broadway in six months.

- If.

- Wait till Cleveland in three months.

Lloyd, my darling, are you all right?

I'm starting to know what God felt like when

he sat in darkness creating the world.

What did he feel like?

Very pleased he'd taken his Valium.

He had six days, of course.

We've only got six hours.

God said, "Where the hell is Tim"?

And there the hell was Tim.

"Let there be doors that open when they

open, and close when they close".

- Do something?

- Doors!

- I was getting bananas for the sardines.

- Doors!

I bet God had a stage manager

who understood English, too.

- That door won't close.

- And the bedroom won't...

- Right.

- He hasn't been to bed for 48 hours.

Don't worry, Tim. Only another 24 hours,

and it'll be the end of the day.

Look, he's come down to earth,

amongst us.

Listen, since we've stopped anyway.

It took two days to put the set up.

So we shan't have time for dress rehearsal.

- What?

- Don't worry.

Think of the first night

as the dress rehearsal.

If we can just get through

the play once tonight,

for doors and sardines,

that's what it's all about.

Doors and sardines.

Getting on, getting off,

getting the sardines on and off.

That's farce. That's the theater.

That's life.

God, you're so deep.

So, just keep going.

Bang, bang, bang!

Bang, you're on. Bang, you said it.

Bang, you're off!

Everything will be perfectly...

Where's Selsdon?

- Oh, God!

- Selsdon?

- I thought he was with you.

- I thought he was round back with you.

Is Mr. Mowbray in his dressing room?

I don't think he would.

Not during a tech rehearsal.

- Would who?

- We can't find Selsdon.

- I'm sure he wouldn't.

- Half a chance, he would.

- Would what?

- Glug, glug, glug!

Now come on, people, be fair.

We don't know.

- Don't jump to conclusions.

- Get the understudy ready. Tim?

Hurry up with those doors.

You're going on for Selsdon.

Right.

He should never have been let

out of our sight. I said that!

He's been good in rehearsal.

Because in the rehearsal hall,

it was all, but there we were, you know?

- You mean, you could see everyone.

- Here, it's all...

Split in two.

There's a front and a back.

Instantly, we've lost him.

- He's not in his dressing room.

- And the bathroom?

In the prop room, the paint shop,

the scenery dock?

- You've worked with him before.

- Call the police.

Door's finished? Get the gear on.

I'm sorry, my precious.

No, it's my fault, my love.

- I cast him.

- Give him one last chance, I said.

What could I do? We did summer

stock together when I was a kid.

It's my fault.

I should never have left you.

This tour isn't just for her.

This is her life savings.

- We know that.

- I'm not out to make my fortune.

- Of course not.

- We know that.

- I just wanted to put something away.

- We know.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes