Noises Off... Page #3

Something to buy a little house.

Jesus, that's not so much to ask.

- Don't blame yourself.

- Sorry?

- I won't let you cry.

- I've got something behind my lens.

You couldn't expect Brooke

to keep an eye on anything.

He was standing right there

in the orchestra, I saw him.

Who are we talking about now?

It's all right,

we know you can't see anything.

Do you mean Selsdon?

I'm not blind, I can see Selsdon.

- He's been here all the time.

- Standing there like Hamlet's father.

You really surprised us.

We thought you were...

- Not there.

- Where have you been?

- Are you all right?

- Speak to us.

Is it a party?

Is it a party?

Is it? How killing. I got it into my head

there was going to be a rehearsal.

I was having a little postprandial snooze

at the side of the stall,

so to be ready for the rehearsal.

- Isn't he lovely?

- Much lovelier now that we can see him.

- What are we celebrating?

- What are we celebrating?

You look strained.

You're not trying to do too much, are you?

I can't find the gear.

I've looked all through his wardrobe.

Beer? In the wardrobe?

No, Selsdon.

You need a break.

Why don't you sit down quietly upstairs

and do the company payroll?

I'll just do the bananas first.

He has been on his feet for 48 hours.

Don't fall down. We may not be insured.

[crash]

[Selsdon] What's next on the bill?

I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal.

- I won't, thank you.

- You won't?

You all go ahead. I'll just sit and watch.

- This is the beer in the wardrobe?

- No, my dear, he wants us to rehearse.

Yes, but we've got to rehearse, haven't we?

Rehearse, yes, well done.

I knew you'd think of something.

Right, from Belinda

and Freddie's entrance.

What's happened now?

The police.

They found an old man lying unconscious

across the street.

- Thank you.

- They say he's very dirty and smelly.

I thought, "Oh, my God"

because when you get close to Selsdon...

No, I mean, if you stand

anywhere near Selsdon,

you can't help noticing

this very distinctive...

I'll tell you something, once you get it

in your nostrils, you never forget it.

Sixty years now, and the smell

of the theater still haunts me.

Bless him.

Tell me, love. How did you get a job like

this that requires tact and understanding?

You're not somebody's girlfriend, are you?

Don't worry, he truly did not hear.

- Not here?

- Yes, there.

- Sit down, darling.

- Go back to sleep.

You're not on for another 20 pages.

I might go back to sleep.

I'm not on for another 20 pages.

And on we go. Dotty in the kitchen,

wildly roasting sardines.

Garry and Brooke ascending the stairs.

Freddie and Belinda,

waiting outside the front door.

Time sliding irrevocably into the past.

Aren't they sweet?

- Garry and Dotty.

- You mean they're...

- It's supposed to be a secret.

- She's old enough to be...

Tramplemain and Mrs. Clackett?

- Didn't you know?

- I'm just God.

The one with the English degree.

I don't know anything.

- [Garry] What's happening?

- You tell me.

What are we waiting for?

I don't know what you're waiting for.

Her 18th birthday.

Or maybe just the cue.

"You can't even get the door open".

- You can't even get the door open.

- Door closed.

[Brooke] You can't even get the door open.

But this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it.

- You like it?

I can't believe it.

- The perfect place for an assignation.

- Home.

Our secret hideaway.

The last place on earth

anyone will look for us.

- It's funny creeping in like this.

- It's damn serious.

If Inland Revenue finds out

we're in the country even for one night,

bang goes our claim to be resident abroad.

Bang goes most of this year's income.

- I feel like an illegal immigrant.

- I'll tell you what I feel like.

- Champagne?

- I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's aired the beds.

- Darling?

- Why not?

No children, no friends dropping in,

we're absolutely on our own.

True.

There is something to be said

for being a tax exile.

Leave those.

- What?

- Inland Revenue may hear us.

What I did with that first lot of sardines,

I shall never know.

- Mrs. Clackett!

- [Dotty screams]

[Dotty] You've given me a turn.

My heart jumped out of me boots.

- So did mine.

- We thought you'd gone.

I thought you was in Spain.

- We are.

- You haven't seen us.

- We're not here.

- Like that, is it?

- The income tax after you?

- They would be if they knew we were here.

All right. You're not here.

I haven't seen you.

Anybody asks for you,

I don't know nothing.

Off to bed?

That's right. Nowhere like bed

when they all get on top of you.

You'll want your things, look.

Yes, thanks.

- That bed hasn't been aired, love.

- I'll get a hot water bottle.

I put all your letters in the study, dear.

What letters?

You forward all the letters, don't you?

Not the ones from the income tax.

I don't want to spoil your holiday.

- Where are they?

- In the little pigeon house.

In your desk, love.

- Yes, but I could hear voices.

- What sort of voices?

- [Lloyd] Hold it. What's the trouble?

- [Freddie] Well, I'm stupid about moves.

Sorry, Garry. Sorry, Brooke.

It's just my usual dimness.

Why do I take this into the study?

Wouldn't it be more natural if I left it?

No.

I just thought it might be more logical.

No.

I know it's late in the day

to go into this.

No, we've got several

more minutes before we open.

Thank you, as long

as we're not too rushed.

I never understood why he carries a bag

and groceries in to look at his mail.

They have to be out of the way

for my next scene.

And Selsdon needs them in the study

for his next scene.

- I see that.

- Selsdon, is he there?

[cast members] Selsdon!

- Am I on?

- No.

I thought I heard my voice.

Go back to sleep.

You're not on for another 10 pages yet.

Oh, yeah.

- I see all that.

- No.

- I just don't know why I take them.

- Why does anyone do anything?

Why does that other idiot go out the front

holding two plates of sardines?

I'm not getting at you, love.

Of course not. Why do l?

Jesus, when you think about it, why do l?

- Who knows?

- You see, Freddie?

The wellsprings of human action

are deep and cloudy.

Maybe something happened to you

when you were a very small child

that made you frightened

to let go of groceries.

Or it could be genetic.

Or it could be, you know...

- Could well be.

- Of course, thank you.

- I understand all that.

- I'm telling you, I don't know.

I don't think the author knows.

I don't know why the author

came into this industry.

I don't know why any of us came into it.

If you could just give me a reason

I could keep in my mind.

All right, I'll give you a reason.

You carry those groceries into the study

because it's just slightly after midnight,

and we're not going to be finished

before we open tomorrow night.

Correction. Before we open tonight.

And on we go.

From after Freddie's exit

with groceries.

His wife left him this morning.

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