Noises Off... Page #4

Oh.

Freddie?

I think the point is

you had a great fright,

when she mentions income tax.

You felt very insecure and exposed.

You wanted something familiar

to hold onto.

Thank you.

- Bless you, darling.

- And on we merrily go.

"Yes, but I could hear voices".

"Yes, but I could hear voices".

Yes, but I could hear voices.

- What sort of voices?

- People's voices.

- But there's no one here.

- I saw the door handle moving.

Could be someone checking up.

I still don't see why you've got

to put your tie on to look.

Mrs. Clackett?

- She's been in the family for generations.

- She's opened the sardines.

Come back. I'll fetch them.

You can't go downstairs like that.

- Why not?

- Mrs. Crackett.

- She's irreplaceable.

- Sardines here, there!

It's like a Sunday school outing.

You're still poking around?

- Still poking. Well, still around.

- In the linen closet?

No.

Yes, checking the sheets and pillowcases.

Going through the inventory.

- Mrs. Blackett.

- Clackett, dear.

Mrs. Clackett,

Is there anyone else in the house?

- I hadn't seen no one, dear.

- I heard voices.

- There's no voices here, love.

- I must've imagined it.

Oh, my God.

I beg your pardon.

- Oh, my God.

- Why? What is it?

Oh, my God. The study door's open.

Oh, my God.

There's another car outside.

That's not Mr. Hackham's or Mr. Dudley's?

[door slams]

Nothing but flapping doors in this house.

[door slams]

"Final notice... steps will be taken...

foreclosure... proceedings in court".

That reminds me.

A gentleman come about the house.

- Don't tell me. I'm not here.

- He says he's got a lady quite aroused.

- Leave everything to the agents.

- Then I'll let them go all over, shall l?

Let them do anything,

just don't tell them we're here.

I'll just sit down and turn on the...

Sardines. I've forgotten the sardines.

I don't know. If it wasn't fixed to my

shoulders, I'd forget what day it was.

I didn't get this. I'm in Spain.

But if I didn't get it, I didn't open it.

- I never had a dress like this, did l?

- Didn't you?

I shouldn't buy anything this tarty.

It's not something you gave me, is it?

- I never should have touched it.

- It's lovely.

Stick it down and put it back.

Never saw it.

I'll put it in the attic with the other things

you gave me that are too precious to wear.

All right. Now the study door's open again.

What's going on?

- [knocking sound]

- Knocking? Upstairs?

Oh, my God, there's something

in the linen closet.

- It's you.

- Of course, it's me.

You put me in there in the dark

with all black sheets and things.

- Darling, why did you lock the door?

- Why did you lock the door?

- I didn't lock the door.

- Someone locked the door.

- We can't stand here like this.

- Like what?

- In your underwear.

- Okay, I'll take it off.

In here.

- Darling...

- Hold it.

...this glue isn't that special quick-drying

sort you can never get unstuck?

[Lloyd] Hold it!

- Mrs. Clackett's made us some sardines.

- [Lloyd] Hold it.

- We have a problem.

- Too bad, which one is it this time?

- Left.

- It's the left one, everybody.

Left one!

It could be anywhere. Could've gone over

the thing then bounced somewhere else.

[Poppy] Where'd you last see it?

- [Belinda] She didn't, it was in her eye.

- Probably on "Why did I lock the door"?

She opens her eyes, very sort of...

I always feel I should rush forward.

- Careful where you put your feet.

- Everyone look under their feet.

No one move their feet.

[Belinda] Everyone, put your feet back

exactly where they were.

Pick up your feet one at a time.

Brooke, is this going to happen

during the performance?

We don't want the audience

to miss their last buses.

- She'll just keep going, won't you?

- Can she see without them?

- Can she hear anything without them?

- Sorry!

You stepped on his hand.

Look at Freddie, the poor thing.

- What's the matter?

- He just has a nose bleed.

- No one touched him.

- He has a thing about violence.

- It makes his nose bleed.

- Where's he gone?

- He has a thing about blood.

- I thought you said something to me.

Go hit the box office manager with this

and you'll have finished off

live theater in Des Moines.

- Anyway, I found it.

- She found it.

- Where?

- In my eye.

- Her eye?

- Nice going, sweetie.

- Not in your left eye.

- Yes, it had gone around the side.

I knew it hadn't gone far.

- Are you all right?

- I think so.

Clear the stage. Walking wounded,

carry the stretcher cases.

Are you all right?

I have a thing about...

I won't say the word.

- We all understand, my love.

- On we bloodily stagger.

Sorry, I'll rephrase that.

On we blindly stumble.

Brooke, I withdraw that.

From your exit... Where's Selsdon?

[cast members] Selsdon!

I think she might have dropped

it out here somewhere.

Good, keep looking.

Only another five pages.

[Lloyd] "Anyway, we can't

stand here like this.

"What? In your underwear.

Okay, I'll take it off".

In here.

Darling, this glue, it's not that special

quick-drying sort, is it?

That you can never get unstuck?

Mrs. Clackett's made us some sardines.

- Now what?

- A hot water bottle. I didn't put it there.

I didn't put it there.

Someone's in the bathroom

filling water bottles.

Is something creepy going on?

Are you coming to bed or aren't you?

- What did you say?

- I didn't say anything.

First the door handle,

now the water bottle.

I can feel goose pimples all over.

- Get something round you.

- Get the covers over our heads.

What did I do with the sardines?

You, wait here.

You hear funny things

about these old houses.

This one has been

extensively modernized.

Nothing creepy could survive

oil-fired central heating...

What? What is it?

What's happening?

The sardines. They've gone.

Perhaps there is

something funny going on.

- I'm going to get into bed...

- I put them there, or was it there?

I suppose Mrs. Sprockett

must've taken them away again.

- The bag.

- What?

- What is it?

- Bag!

What do you mean, bag?

What bag?

- No bag!

- Your bag, suddenly here, now gone.

- I put it in the bedroom.

- Don't go in there.

- The box! They've both gone.

- My files!

What's happening?

Where's Mrs. Sprachett?

- Wait in the bedroom.

- No, no, no!

- Get dressed then.

- I am not going in there.

I'll fetch your dress out here.

- Your dress is gone!

- [screams]

Don't panic.

There's a rational explanation

for all of this.

I'll fetch Mrs. Splotchett,

she'll explain it. You wait here.

You can't stand here looking like that.

You wait in the study.

Study, study!

Roger, there's something in there.

Where are you?

Darling, I know this is going

to sound silly, but...

If we're not going to bed,

I'm going to clear out the attic.

I can't come to bed.

I'm glued to a tax demand.

- Why don't you put the sardines down.

- I'm stuck to the sardines.

Don't play the fool. Get that bottle

marked poison in the downstairs loo.

It eats through anything.

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