Noises Off... Page #5

I've heard of people being stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

[Lloyd] Selsdon.

You're on, Selsdon.

We're there. The moment's arrived.

[Belinda] It's all right, Lloyd, he's coming.

There should be an arm coming through

the window even before Freddie's off.

- Here it comes.

- No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

Hold it, let's take it again.

- Makes me want to sit down and weep.

- Hold it...

The old turkey

in the kitchen told me so.

Lloyd wants you to hold it.

Stop, Selsdon, darling!

Like the band playing on

as the Titanic sank.

- Stop?

- Stop!

Thank you, Belinda and Poppy.

- My dad was nearly on the Titanic.

- He can hear better than I can.

- Beg your pardon?

- From your entrance.

It was before the war,

so crossing the Atlantic...

- Thank you. Poppy!

- Not for me. It stops me sleeping.

- Put the glass back.

- Come on again?

Right, only a shade earlier

like yesterday.

Start moving as soon as Freddie

opens the door. What's the line?

"I've heard of people getting stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous".

Start moving when you hear, "I've heard of

people getting stopped with a problem..."

"Stuck with a problem,

but this is ridiculous".

I want your arm through the window.

Right?

Say no more.

May I make just one suggestion?

What's that?

Would it be better

if I came on a little earlier?

Only there does seem to be

something of a hiatus

between Freddie's exit and my entrance.

No, listen.

Don't worry, I've got it.

How about coming on a little earlier?

We're obviously thinking

along the same lines.

Am I putting him on

or is he putting me on?

Right, from your exit.

I've heard of people getting stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

[door slams]

[glass breaking]

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

It makes me want to sit down and weep

when I think I used to do banks.

When I remember

I used to do bullion vaults.

What am I doing now?

Breaking into paper bags.

I know they're all in Spain 'cause

the old turkey in the kitchen told me so.

And I know she's out 'cause

I saw her go through the front door

in her swimming costume.

Where is the front door?

Get the van loaded. No rush.

I've got all flaming afternoon.

What've they got to offer?

One microwave oven.

Junk! Junk! Junk!

Yes, if you insist.

Now, where's his desk?

See, they all say the same thing.

It's hard to adjust to retirement.

The prospective tenant

naturally wishes to know

if there's any previous history

of paranormal phenomena.

[door slams]

Yes, dear, everything's all nice

and paranormal here.

Has anything ever dematerialized before?

Has anything ever flown about?

No, the things move

themselves on their own.

See, just like they do in any house.

I'll tell the prospective tenant.

She is inspecting the study.

There's a man in there.

- There's no one in the house.

- Look!

- He's searching for something.

- I can't see no one.

You can't see him? This is extraordinary.

Where's my prospective tenant?

[Garry] I left her in there.

My prospective tenant has disappeared.

- My God!

- Now what?

- There.

- Where?

- The sardines.

- You can see them, can't you?

I can see them.

I can see the way they're going, too.

I'm not letting them out of my hand.

But, where's my prospective tenant?

I'm going to be opening

sardines all night.

Been in and out of there

like a cuckoo on a clock.

[Selsdon]

"Charles", he said, "You're 70 years old.

"It's time to hand over

the ammonia bottle to a younger man".

She can't have gone back

into the bedroom.

"l may be 70", I said,

"but I've still got all my wits about me".

[Selsdon] He didn't have an answer to that.

- Or if he did, I didn't hear it.

- [Freddie] Darling, where are you?

That stuff that eats through anything

doesn't eat through glue.

It just eats through trousers.

If it does, you don't think it eats through...

Listen, darling,

I better get these trousers off.

Darling, quick, this is an emergency.

If it eats through absolutely anything...

I feel it. It's eating through

absolutely everything.

- There's something evil in this house.

- Inland Revenue.

- He's back.

- No, I'm not here.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm abroad.

- He's walking abroad.

- I must go.

- Stay!

- I'm not staying.

- Speak!

- Only in the presence of my lawyer.

Hold on, you're just an intruder.

An ordinary intruder.

Nice to meet you.

I mean, have a sardine.

No, you're not.

You're some kind of sex criminal.

You've done something to Vicki.

I'll come down and sort you out.

I see, you've got some sardines.

- If there's nothing I can offer you...

- Police!

I'll be running along.

Hello, police?

Someone has broken into my house.

Someone has broken into

someone's house.

A sex criminal!

A young woman is missing.

It's in the garden now!

And it's a man.

The young woman has reappeared.

Are you all right?

- No, he almost saw me.

- He almost saw her!

No, but he's a burglar as well.

He's taken our things.

- The things are here.

- They've come back.

We're just missing a plate of sardines.

- Here are the sardines.

- And we've found the sardines.

This is the police. You want

the police here? In my underwear?

So, what am I saying?

I'm saying, let's say no more about it.

I thought something terrible

had happened to you.

- It has. I know him.

- You know him?

- He's dealt with by our office.

- He's just a sex criminal.

But he mustn't see me like this.

You have to keep up standards

working for Inland Revenue.

- Put something on!

- I haven't got anything.

There must be something in the bathroom.

Bring the sardines.

"What"? I said.

"When have I ever needed to run off

in the middle of a job to have a piddle"?

"Except when some stupid berk goes

and starts talking about it". Where is it?

Stay in there and don't come out

till you've got dressed.

I can't go around in front

of our taxpayers in this.

I knew I shouldn't have brought

the subject up.

Help! Where are you?

Just put it on.

It's a start at any rate.

I'll find a bottom. I'll find a top.

I'll find something.

There's someone in there.

It's him, it's him!

- Darling, I'm finding such lovely things.

- [Freddie screams]

Do you remember this old biscuit tin

you gave me on our first anniversary...

- Who are you?

- It's his wife and dependent!

I've taken your dress off you.

Where have you been?

I've been going mad.

Look at the state I'm in.

[crash]

I was just trying to explain to her

about Inland Revenue being after us,

- and my fingers got stuck.

- Don't keep waving that thing in my face.

I'm trying to find something.

Now look in the other room.

A pair of gold taps, anyway.

Oh, my God.

- Who are you?

- Doing the taps.

Tax? Income tax?

That's right. In come the new taps,

out go the old taps.

- Tax inspectors everywhere!

- [Garry] Oh, my God!

Tin boxes flying about.

There is something funny going on here.

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