Noises Off... Page #7

I caught up with the show

in Miami Beach after all.

I was right in there with them

when they did that famous matinee.

Sir, your ticket?

I am the director.

Don't tell anyone.

Act l, places please.

Your calls Miss Otley, Miss Ashton,

Mr. Lejeune, Mr. Dallas, Miss Blair.

Act l, places please.

Then maybe Act I places is what we'll get.

- What do you think?

- She'll pull herself together now.

She knows she's got to be

on stage in five minutes.

- Won't she?

- Will she?

- You know what Dotty's like.

- We've been on the road for a month.

We're only in Miami Beach.

What'll Cleveland be like?

- If only she'd speak.

- Or unlock the door.

- Look, if Dotty won't go on...

- She will! Won't she?

I'm sure she will, but if she doesn't...

- She must!

- She will.

- But if she didn't...

- I'd have five minutes to change.

- Four minutes.

- If only she'd say something.

I'll try again. Helps take your mind

off your own problems.

- Has she gone?

- We didn't expect you till next week.

- I didn't know you were coming here.

- I wasn't, I haven't.

- Thank God you're here.

- I'm not.

I don't want anyone to know I'm here.

- Dotty and Garry...

- Hide this.

- They've had some kind of fight.

- There's a flower stand.

I want you to buy me some very large

and expensive-looking flowers.

Right, now Dotty's locked herself

inside her dressing room.

- Don't let Poppy see.

- She won't speak to anyone.

The matinee finishes before 5:00.

The evening show starts at 7:30.

I want two hours alone with Brooke

in her dressing room between shows.

I'm on the 7:
25 back to New York.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

There may not be a show.

- She's walked out?

- She's locked in her dressing room.

- She won't speak to anyone.

- You've called places.

I can't do it in five minutes,

it's not physiologically possible.

- She's broken up with Garry before.

- Brooke and Garry?

Not Brooke, Dotty!

There was the famous breakup

week before last in Pittsburgh.

- You told me.

- She went out with a reporter.

Garry threatened to kill him.

Listen, don't worry about Dotty.

She's got money in the show.

Last night it happened again.

At 2:
00 a.m., I'm woken up

by banging on my door. It's Garry.

"Do I know where Dotty is"?

Let me tell you about my life

in the Big Apple.

I have Hamlet's ghost on the phone

for an hour after every rehearsal,

complaining that Polonius is sucking

sour balls through his speeches.

Claudius is off every afternoon

doing a soap.

Gertrude is off the entire week

doing a commercial for Gallo wine.

Hamlet himself, would you believe, has

come down with a psychological problem.

Last night Brooke rings me to say

she's very unhappy here.

She has a doctor's note

for nervous exhaustion.

I haven't got the time to find

and rehearse a new Vicki.

I have one afternoon

while Hamlet sees his shrink,

and Ophelia starts divorce proceedings,

to cure Brooke of her ailment,

with no medical aids except whiskey;

you've got it,

flowers; you've got money for the flowers,

and a certain fading bedside manner.

I haven't come here to hear about

other people's problems.

I've come to be taken out of myself.

And preferably, not put back again.

- Have you done the front-of-house calls?

- Front-of-house calls.

Don't let Poppy see those flowers.

[Tim] Ladies and gentleman,

will you please take your seats?

The curtain will rise in three minutes.

We're going to be so late going up.

- No luck?

- Belinda's trying.

I haven't even started

the front-of-house calls.

Money? Is that for me?

- No.

- Whiskey.

- Is it?

- Where'd you find that?

Not up here.

Oh, my God, he's hiding it up here now.

I'll put it downstairs

where he can't find it.

You know what Dotty's like.

Freddie's trying.

- He's hiding 'em up here now.

- You didn't try for very long.

He's hiding them up here now.

Garry came rushing out, all fired up.

I couldn't understand what he said,

but I often feel with Garry

I've missed something.

You know how stupid I can be,

but I think he said he wanted to kill me.

- You poor thing.

- I better leave him alone.

- He's all right?

- Anything but, by the sound of it.

- He's going on?

- Of course Garry's going on.

What's this about Garry?

If you have to go on for Garry,

Poppy can't go on for Dotty.

If she does, you'll have

to be on the Prompt Book.

- Money? Is that for us?

- No, that's for...

Oh, my God.

She's such a funny woman.

She's so up and down.

She was perfectly all right last night.

Last night?

She took me out for a drink

after the show to some pub.

She was with you?

You were with her?

She was very sympathetic

about all my troubles.

- I won't let her sink her teeth into you.

- She couldn't have been nicer.

She came back to my room for coffee.

Told me about her troubles.

We sat there till 3:00 a.m.

I don't know what the guy

from room service thought.

- Another thing.

- Nothing else.

- Where's Selsdon?

- Freddie's the cause of all this.

He's not in his dressing room.

The front-of-house calls!

You do them. I'll get Selsdon.

- What should I do?

- Absolutely nothing at all.

You've done quite enough already.

[Poppy] Ladies and gentleman,

please take your seats.

The curtain will rise in three minutes.

- He wants to kill someone?

- Selsdon wants to kill someone?

- We've lost him!

- Oh, my God.

Flowers.

That's really sweet of you.

Isn't that sweet of him?

- Very charming.

- I'll go look in the bar. Hold these.

I'll take those.

Front-of-house calls. Hold these.

Poppy's already done them.

She gave 'em two minutes?

I'll give them one.

[Tim] Ladies and gentleman,

will you please take your seats?

The curtain will rise in one minute.

- I think she said three minutes.

- But I said three minutes.

- I think so.

- Hold these.

[Tim] Ladies and gentleman,

please take your seats.

The curtain will rise in two minutes.

- Any luck?

- No, but I found this.

It was hidden

behind the fire extinguisher.

- Not a good sign.

- I'll take it.

Put it somewhere out of sight.

He's... not in the bar.

Have you checked the green room?

I'll check again.

Now what?

Ladies and gentleman, please take your

seats. The curtain will rise in two minutes.

- Tim already said two minutes.

- He has?

Ladies and gentleman, please take your

seats. The curtain will rise in one minute.

- What the f*** is going on?

- Holy cow!

- I didn't know you were here.

- I'm not. I'm in New York.

I can't sit there and listen

to two minutes, one minute, three minutes.

- We're having big dramas back here.

- We're having big dramas out there.

This is a matinee.

There are senior citizens out there.

The curtain will rise in three minutes,

we all start for the gents.

In one minute, we all start running

out again. We don't know which way to go.

- I've got to talk to you.

- Just tell me one thing.

- I tried calling you.

- Is Brooke going on?

- You're going on, aren't you?

- Sorry?

- Are you all right?

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