Noises Off... Page #8

- Fine, she sounds like her usual self.

- What's this?

- Another one?

I was lying on the floor of the green room.

For her relaxation.

- I saw it hidden behind the radiator.

- He's hiding them everywhere.

- I'll put it where he won't find it.

- Put it in Brooke's dressing room.

What's this?

- Sorry.

- Tim bought them for me.

- There's something I must tell you.

- I've heard everything I want to hear.

- [Belinda] What about Dotty?

- No!

- [Freddie] And Garry?

- No!

[Belinda] What about Selsdon?

This show is beyond

the help of any director.

I'll sit out there in the dark

with a bag of gummy bears and enjoy it.

One minute was the last call,

if your memory goes back that far.

- Is she all right?

- [Belinda] It's her way of relaxing.

- [Belinda] You're all right?

- I couldn't concentrate back there.

- Everyone was shouting, running around.

- It's her breathing, you see?

You don't have to go on

if you're not up to it.

It's only a matinee. I'm sure Poppy

would love to try her hand at your part.

I'll see what's happening with Dotty.

Freddie, my darling, dear.

- Did I say something wrong?

- Where's Tim?

Where have you been?

We've been looking for you everywhere.

Everywhere. In front, the manager's office,

the bar, there's no sign of him.

He's been looking for you back there.

Great shindig going on back there.

I thought Tim ought to know about it.

- I think he's heard.

- Everything? He really went for her.

"l know when you have your eye

on someone", he says.

"I've seen the way you look at Freddie".

- Me?

- Yes, darling.

- You sure he said Freddie?

- May have been Teddie.

One of the two.

- I think they're coming.

- They're coming?!

- I knew they wouldn't.

- You're here?

- Yes, every word.

- Right.

Ladies and gentleman,

will you please take your seats?

The performance is about to begin.

- They're coming.

- We found Selsdon.

- How did you get here?

- How did she take it?

[Selsdon] In one word, amiss, that's how.

[Tim] Ladies and gentleman,

please take your seats.

- I've done it!

- The performance is...

Poor Lloyd, he'll choke

on his gummy bears.

Try to give some poor fellow a leg up.

Or she may have said a leg over. What?

[Selsdon] There he is.

Are you all right?

- What's he say?

- He's not saying anything, Selsdon.

Very sensible. Only stir it up again.

[Selsdon] "l know when you put

your claws into someone,

"and you've got them into

poor ol' Freddie..."

- [Freddie] Are you all right?

- Is she all right?

She's fine.

[Tim] All right, everyone?

- Teddie or Freddie, one of the two.

- Hush, dear.

Places, please.

[Freddie] Look, Garry, Dotty...

I'm not going to make a big speech,

but we've all got to give a performance.

We can't do it in silence, you guys!

We're gonna have to speak to each other.

What's the house like?

- That's the spirit!

- Well done.

It's quite good, for a matinee.

There's quite a crowd

at the front of the back of the orchestra.

Come on, girl, get the taps out.

Some of the seniors don't have long to go.

Quiet then, please.

Preset please. Quiet on stage.

- Stand by. Curtain up. Act l.

- [door rattles]

- Now, what?

- We're just going up.

We've been sitting out there for an hour.

They think someone's died.

It's my fault, I was saying a few words.

Ever thought of having

a brain transplant?

Sorry, wrong moment.

Anybody else have any thoughts

they must communicate?

Not right now. I mean, later.

You bought these flowers for Poppy?

- No, well, yes.

- You didn't buy any for me?

Have you ever heard

of such a thing as a jealous rage?

Then take $10 of your own money,

go to the flower stand and

buy some flowers for me.

Gave Poppy the flowers.

You two could have Freddie's old brain.

You could have half each.

Oh, dear.

- Don't cry.

- Get the old bus on the road.

Act l. In music. Summer noises.

House lights go.

[Dotty] Coming!

- [phone rings]

- [Dotty] Oh, Lord love a duck!

I'm coming!

Shut up, I'm coming.

Hold on.

- [applause]

- [ringing continues]

[Dotty] I can't open sardines and answer

the phone, I've only got one pair of hands.

Hello? Yes, but there's

no one here, love.

No, Mr. Brent's not here.

He lives here, yes, but he don't live

here now, because he lives in Spain.

Mr. Philip Brent,

the one that writes them plays.

That's him,

only now he writes them in Spain.

No, she's in Spain, too.

They're all in Spain.

There's no one here.

Am I in Spain? I'm not in Spain, dear.

I look after the house for them,

only I go home at 1:00 on Wednesdays.

So, that's where I am.

No, because I've got a nice plate

of sardines to put my feet up with.

They've got color and it's the Royal.

What's it called? The horse race.

If it's to do with letting the house,

then you'll have to ring the house agents

'cause they're the agents for the house.

Squire, Squire, Hackham

and who's the other one?

[Freddie screams]

[audience laughs]

My housekeeper, yes,

but this is her afternoon off.

[Garry] So, we've got the place

entirely to ourselves.

[Brooke] Wow!

[Garry] I'll just check.

Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.

What do you think?

- [Brooke] All these doors.

- [Garry] Just a handful, really.

Study, kitchen, and a self-contained

service flat for the housekeeper.

[Brooke] Terrific! Which one's the...

- [Garry] Through here.

- [Brooke] Fantastic!

No, I've lost...

I've lost the sardines!

[Garry, Brooke and Dotty scream]

[Garry] I'm sorry, I thought

there was no one here.

[Dotty] I'm not here.

I'm off, only it's the Royal.

The horse race, where they wear

those hats covered in fruit.

[Garry] I'm from the agents. I dropped in

to check some measurements.

Do one or two odd jobs.

I'm showing a prospective tenant

over the house.

[Brooke] What's with this door?

[Garry] She's thinking of renting it.

Her interest is definitely aroused.

The bedroom?

No, that's the downstairs bathroom.

- This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

- [Dotty] Clackett, dear.

Only now I've lost the newspaper.

- [Garry] I'm sorry.

- [Brooke] That's all right.

[Garry] She's been in the family

for generations.

[Brooke] I've got to be

in Basingstoke by 4:00.

- [Garry] Let's just have champagne.

- [Brooke] Take it with us. Bring my files.

[Brooke] What?

[Garry] She's been

in the family for generations.

Sardines!

[Dotty] It's not for me to say, of course.

Only I will, don't think twice about it.

Take the plunge. You'll really enjoy it here.

- [Brooke] Great.

- [Dotty] We'll enjoy having you.

- [Brooke] Terrific.

- [Dotty] Sardines.

Can't put your feet up

on an empty stomach.

[Brooke] She thinks it's great.

She's even making us sardines.

I think she's terrific. Which way?

[Garry] Before she comes back

with the sardines.

[Brooke] In here?

It's another bathroom.

You're always trying

to get me in the bathroom.

[Garry] I mean, in here.

[Brooke] A black sheet.

[Garry] That's the linen closet.

This one!

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