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Noises Off... Page #9
- PG-13
- Year:
- 1992
- 101 min
- 1,258 Views
- [Brooke] You're in a real state.
- [Garry] Come on.
[Brooke] You can't even get the door open.
[Freddie] Yes, but this is
Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
- Look at it!
- You like it?
[Belinda] I can't believe it.
- [Freddie] Perfect for an assignation.
- [Belinda] Home. Our secret hideaway.
[Freddie] The last place
anyone will look for us.
[Belinda] I wonder if the beds are aired.
- [Freddie] Darling!
[Belinda] Why not? No children, no friends
dropping in, we're absolutely on our own.
[Freddie] True. There is something
to be said for being a tax exile.
[Belinda] Leave those.
- [laughter]
- [Freddie] Shh.
- [Belinda] What?
- [Freddie] Inland Revenue may hear us.
[Dotty] What I did with that first lot
of sardines, I shall never know.
[Freddie and Belinda] Mrs. Clackett!
[Dotty] You gave me a turn.
My heart jumped out of my boots.
- [Dotty] I thought you was in Spain.
- [Freddie] We are.
- [Belinda] You haven't seen us.
[Dotty] Then, you're not here.
I haven't seen you.
If anybody asks for you,
I don't know nothing.
Nowhere like bed when
they all get on top of you.
You'll want your things.
- That bed hasn't been aired.
- I'll get a hot water bottle.
I put all your letters in the study.
- [Freddie] Where are they?
- [Dotty] In the little pigeon house.
In your desk, love.
- [Garry] Yes, but I could hear voices.
- [Brooke] What sort of voices?
[Garry] People's voices.
- [Brooke] She's opened our sardines.
- [Garry] Come back.
I'll fetch them.
You can't go downstairs like that.
- [Brooke] Why not?
- [Garry] Mrs. Clackett! She's irreplaceable.
- [Dotty] Sardines, here. Sardines, there.
It's like a Sunday school outing.
You're still poking around, are you?
- [Garry] Still poking, still around.
- [Dotty] In the linen closet, were you?
[Garry] Checking the sheets and
pillowcases. Doing an inventory.
- [Garry] Mrs. Blackett.
- [Dotty] Clackett, dear.
- [Garry] Is there anyone else in the house?
- [Dotty] I've seen no one, dear.
- [Garry] I thought I heard voices.
- [Dotty] There are no voices here.
- [Garry] I must've imagined it.
- Oh, my God.
- [Garry] I beg your pardon?
- [Dotty] Oh, my God.
- [Garry] Why, what is it?
- [Dotty] The study door's open.
[Garry] There's another car outside.
That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it?
Or Mr. Dudley's?
[Belinda] Nothing but
flapping doors in this house.
[Freddie] "The final notice... steps will be
taken... foreclosure... court proceedings"?
[Dotty] That reminds me,
a gentleman come about the house.
[Freddie] Don't tell me. I'm not here.
[Dotty] I'll just sit down and turn on...
Sardines!
I've forgotten the sardines.
I don't know.
If it wasn't fixed to my shoulders,
I'd forget what day it was.
- Give it to me!
- [Freddie] I didn't get this. I'm not here.
I'm in Spain. But if I didn't get it,
I didn't open it.
[Belinda] Darling, I never had a dress...
like these, did l?
Didn't you?
[Belinda] I shouldn't buy anything
as tarty as these.
They aren't something
you gave me, are they?
- [Freddie] I never should've touched it.
Stick it down. Why, put it back.
I never saw it.
[Belinda] I'll just go and
put them in the attic.
Pack them away with the other things
you gave me that are too precious to use.
[scuffling and banging]
[Garry] All right, now the study door's
open again.
What's going on?
Knocking.
Knocking!
[knocking]
Upstairs!
[knocking]
[Garry] Oh, my God.
There's something in the linen closet.
It's you! Is it you?
I mean, you know, hidden under
all the sheets and towels in here.
I can't, you know,
just stand here indefinitely.
Of course it's me.
You put me here in the dark
with all black sheets and things.
[Garry] But, darling,
why did you lock the door?
Why did I lock the door?
Why did you?
[Garry] I didn't lock the door.
Anyway, we can't stand here like this.
- Like what?
- In your underwear.
Okay, I'll take it off.
You, on!
In here.
[Freddie] Darling, this glue, it's not that
special quick-drying sort, is it?
That you could never get unstuck.
Look, Mrs. Clackett's made us sardines.
[Garry] A hot water bottle?
I didn't put it there.
I didn't put this hot water bottle,
I mean, I'm standing here,
with this hot water bottle in my hands.
Of course, it's me. You put me here in
the dark with all black sheets and things.
[Garry] Someone in the bathroom
filling hot water bottles?
What? Don't panic!
- Why did you lock the door?
- Don't panic! Don't panic!
[Garry] There's some perfectly
rational explanation for all this.
I'll fetch Mrs. Splochett
and she'll explain it.
You wait in here.
You can't stand there looking like that.
Wait in the study!
[Brooke] There's something in there.
Where are you?
[screams]
[Freddie] Darling, I know
this is going to sound silly, but...
[Belinda] If we aren't going to bed,
I'm going to clear out the attic.
[Freddie] Darling, I can't come to bed.
I'm glued to a tax demand.
[Belinda] Put the sardines down.
[Freddie] Darling, I'm stuck to the sardines.
[Belinda] Don't play the fool. Get that bottle
marked poison in the downstairs loo.
It eats through anything.
[Freddie] I've heard of people
getting stuck with a problem before,
but this is ridiculous.
I've heard of people getting stuck
with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
No bars, no burglar alarm.
They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.
[laughter]
[Selsdon] Sometimes it makes me want to
weep when I think I used to do banks.
When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults.
What am I doing now?
Breaking into paper bags.
I know they're all in Spain 'cause
the old turkey in the kitchen told me so.
I know she's out 'cause I just
saw her go through the front door
in her swimming costume.
Where is the front door?
A line, a prompt.
"Get the van loaded".
- What?
- [all cast] "Get the van loaded".
Get the van loaded.
[Selsdon] There's no rush.
I've got all flaming afternoon.
What have they got here.
One microwave oven.
They all say the same thing.
It's hard to adjust to retirement.
[Garry] The prospective tenant
wishes to know
if there is any history
of paranormal phenomena.
[Dotty] Yes, dear,
it's all nice and paranormal.
[Garry] Has anything ever
dematerialized before, flown about?
I'll tell the prospective tenant.
She's inspecting the study.
- There's a man in there.
- [Dotty] There's no one in the house.
- Look, he's searching for something.
- [Dotty] I can't see no one.
[Garry] This is extraordinary.
Where is my prospective tenant?
I left her in there. She's disappeared.
- [Garry] Oh, my God.
- [Freddie] Oh, no. Dear.
- [Dotty] The sardines.
- [Garry] You can see them, can't you?
[Dotty] I can see the way they're going, too.
[Garry] I'm not letting these sardines
out of my hand.
But, where is my prospective tenant?
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"Noises Off..." Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/noises_off..._14912>.
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