Noises Off... Page #9

- [Brooke] You're in a real state.

- [Garry] Come on.

[Brooke] You can't even get the door open.

[Freddie] Yes, but this is

Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

We've got the place

entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it!

- You like it?

[Belinda] I can't believe it.

- [Freddie] Perfect for an assignation.

- [Belinda] Home. Our secret hideaway.

[Freddie] The last place

anyone will look for us.

[Belinda] I wonder if the beds are aired.

- [Freddie] Darling!

[Belinda] Why not? No children, no friends

dropping in, we're absolutely on our own.

[Freddie] True. There is something

to be said for being a tax exile.

[Belinda] Leave those.

- [laughter]

- [Freddie] Shh.

- [Belinda] What?

- [Freddie] Inland Revenue may hear us.

[Dotty] What I did with that first lot

of sardines, I shall never know.

[Freddie and Belinda] Mrs. Clackett!

[Dotty] You gave me a turn.

My heart jumped out of my boots.

- [Dotty] I thought you was in Spain.

- [Freddie] We are.

- [Belinda] You haven't seen us.

[Dotty] Then, you're not here.

I haven't seen you.

If anybody asks for you,

I don't know nothing.

Nowhere like bed when

they all get on top of you.

You'll want your things.

- That bed hasn't been aired.

- I'll get a hot water bottle.

I put all your letters in the study.

- [Freddie] Where are they?

- [Dotty] In the little pigeon house.

In your desk, love.

- [Garry] Yes, but I could hear voices.

- [Brooke] What sort of voices?

[Garry] People's voices.

- [Brooke] She's opened our sardines.

- [Garry] Come back.

I'll fetch them.

You can't go downstairs like that.

- [Brooke] Why not?

- [Garry] Mrs. Clackett! She's irreplaceable.

- [Dotty] Sardines, here. Sardines, there.

It's like a Sunday school outing.

You're still poking around, are you?

- [Garry] Still poking, still around.

- [Dotty] In the linen closet, were you?

[Garry] Checking the sheets and

pillowcases. Doing an inventory.

- [Garry] Mrs. Blackett.

- [Dotty] Clackett, dear.

- [Garry] Is there anyone else in the house?

- [Dotty] I've seen no one, dear.

- [Garry] I thought I heard voices.

- [Dotty] There are no voices here.

- [Garry] I must've imagined it.

- Oh, my God.

- [Garry] I beg your pardon?

- [Dotty] Oh, my God.

- [Garry] Why, what is it?

- [Dotty] The study door's open.

[Garry] There's another car outside.

That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it?

Or Mr. Dudley's?

[Belinda] Nothing but

flapping doors in this house.

[Freddie] "The final notice... steps will be

taken... foreclosure... court proceedings"?

[Dotty] That reminds me,

a gentleman come about the house.

[Freddie] Don't tell me. I'm not here.

[Dotty] I'll just sit down and turn on...

Sardines!

I've forgotten the sardines.

I don't know.

If it wasn't fixed to my shoulders,

I'd forget what day it was.

- Give it to me!

- [Freddie] I didn't get this. I'm not here.

I'm in Spain. But if I didn't get it,

I didn't open it.

I never should've touched it.

[Belinda] Darling, I never had a dress...

Or rather a bunch of flowers

like these, did l?

Didn't you?

[Belinda] I shouldn't buy anything

as tarty as these.

They aren't something

you gave me, are they?

- [Freddie] I never should've touched it.

Stick it down. Why, put it back.

I never saw it.

[Belinda] I'll just go and

put them in the attic.

Pack them away with the other things

you gave me that are too precious to use.

[scuffling and banging]

[Garry] All right, now the study door's

open again.

What's going on?

Knocking.

Knocking!

[knocking]

Upstairs!

[knocking]

[Garry] Oh, my God.

There's something in the linen closet.

It's you! Is it you?

I mean, you know, hidden under

all the sheets and towels in here.

I can't, you know,

just stand here indefinitely.

Of course it's me.

You put me here in the dark

with all black sheets and things.

[Garry] But, darling,

why did you lock the door?

Why did I lock the door?

Why did you?

[Garry] I didn't lock the door.

Anyway, we can't stand here like this.

- Like what?

- In your underwear.

Okay, I'll take it off.

You, on!

In here.

[Freddie] Darling, this glue, it's not that

special quick-drying sort, is it?

That you could never get unstuck.

Look, Mrs. Clackett's made us sardines.

[Garry] A hot water bottle?

I didn't put it there.

I didn't put this hot water bottle,

I mean, I'm standing here,

with this hot water bottle in my hands.

Of course, it's me. You put me here in

the dark with all black sheets and things.

[Garry] Someone in the bathroom

filling hot water bottles?

What? Don't panic!

- Why did you lock the door?

- Don't panic! Don't panic!

[Garry] There's some perfectly

rational explanation for all this.

I'll fetch Mrs. Splochett

and she'll explain it.

You wait in here.

You can't stand there looking like that.

Wait in the study!

[Brooke] There's something in there.

Where are you?

[screams]

[Freddie] Darling, I know

this is going to sound silly, but...

[Belinda] If we aren't going to bed,

I'm going to clear out the attic.

[Freddie] Darling, I can't come to bed.

I'm glued to a tax demand.

[Belinda] Put the sardines down.

[Freddie] Darling, I'm stuck to the sardines.

[Belinda] Don't play the fool. Get that bottle

marked poison in the downstairs loo.

It eats through anything.

[Freddie] I've heard of people

getting stuck with a problem before,

but this is ridiculous.

I've heard of people getting stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

No bars, no burglar alarm.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

[laughter]

[Selsdon] Sometimes it makes me want to

weep when I think I used to do banks.

When I remember

I used to do bullion vaults.

What am I doing now?

Breaking into paper bags.

I know they're all in Spain 'cause

the old turkey in the kitchen told me so.

I know she's out 'cause I just

saw her go through the front door

in her swimming costume.

Where is the front door?

A line, a prompt.

"Get the van loaded".

- What?

- [all cast] "Get the van loaded".

Get the van loaded.

[Selsdon] There's no rush.

I've got all flaming afternoon.

What have they got here.

One microwave oven.

Hardly worth lifting it.

They all say the same thing.

It's hard to adjust to retirement.

[Garry] The prospective tenant

wishes to know

if there is any history

of paranormal phenomena.

[Dotty] Yes, dear,

it's all nice and paranormal.

[Garry] Has anything ever

dematerialized before, flown about?

I'll tell the prospective tenant.

She's inspecting the study.

- There's a man in there.

- [Dotty] There's no one in the house.

- Look, he's searching for something.

- [Dotty] I can't see no one.

[Garry] This is extraordinary.

Where is my prospective tenant?

I left her in there. She's disappeared.

- [Garry] Oh, my God.

- [Freddie] Oh, no. Dear.

- [Dotty] The sardines.

- [Garry] You can see them, can't you?

[Dotty] I can see the way they're going, too.

[Garry] I'm not letting these sardines

out of my hand.

But, where is my prospective tenant?

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