Noises Off... Page #10

[Dotty] I'm going to be opening

sardines all night.

Been in and out of here

like a cuckoo on a clock.

[Selsdon] "Charles", he said,

"You're 70 years old.

"It's time to hang up the sawed-off shotgun

"and hand over the ammonia bottle

to a younger man".

[Garry] She can't have gone back

into the bedroom.

[Selsdon] "l may be 70", I said,

"but I've still got all my wits about me".

He didn't have an answer to that.

[Garry] She's not in the bedroom.

Where can she have got to?

[Selsdon] Or if he did, I didn't hear him.

[Freddie] That stuff that eats through

anything doesn't eat through glue.

It just eats through trousers.

If it does,

you don't think it eats through...

Listen, darling,

I better get these trousers off.

Darling, quick, this is an emergency.

Have we got any stuff

that stops the stuff?

If it eats through absolutely anything...

I think I can feel it.

It's eating through absolutely everything.

[Garry] There's something

evil in this house.

- [Freddie] Inland Revenue.

- [Garry] He's back.

[Freddie] No, I'm not here.

I'm abroad.

I must go.

- [Garry] Stay!

- [Freddie] I'm not staying.

- [Garry] Speak!

- [Freddie] Only with my lawyer present.

[Garry] Hold on, you're just an intruder.

An ordinary intruder.

[Freddie] Nice to meet you.

I mean, have a sardine.

[Garry] No, you're not.

You're a sex criminal.

I'm going to come downstairs

and sort you...

[crash]

[laughter]

[Freddie] I see, you've got some sardines.

If there's nothing I can offer you...

Are you all right?

- [Garry] Police!

- [Freddie] I'll be running along.

Come back.

[Garry] Hello, police?

Someone has broken into my house.

Or rather, someone has broken

into someone's house.

Yes, a sex criminal.

And a young woman is missing.

And a young woman is missing!

And a young woman is missing!

[Brooke] It's in the garden now!

And it's a man.

[laughter]

- [Garry] Are you all right?

- [Brooke] No, he almost saw me.

[Garry] He almost saw her!

No, but he's a burglar as well.

He's taken our things.

- [Brooke] The things are here.

- [Garry] They've come back. So...

[Selsdon] I knew I shouldn't have

brought the subject up.

[Freddie] Help! Where are you?

[Garry] Just put it on.

It's a start at any rate.

I'll find a bottom. I'll find a top.

I'll find something.

[Brooke] There's someone in there.

It's him, it's him!

[Belinda] Darling,

I'm finding such lovely things.

Do you remember this old biscuit tin

you gave me?

On the very first anniversary of our...

Who are you?

[Brooke] Oh, my God,

it's his wife and dependent!

[Freddie] I've taken your dress off you.

Where have you been?

I've been going mad.

[Selsdon] A pair of gold taps, anyway.

Oh, my God.

- [Freddie] Who are you?

- [Selsdon] I'm doing the taps.

I don't know. They put a tax

on anything these days.

[Garry] If I can't find her,

you're in trouble, you see?

[Selsdon] W.C.? I'll fix it.

No sheik yet?

I thought he was coming at 4:00.

[Garry] I mean, you know,

it's nearly 4:
00 now.

It's after 3:
00 because I've been

standing here for what seems like forever.

- Listen.

- What?

I've got to talk to you now.

Not a good time, I know.

It's never a good time.

You're right. Freddie's quick change.

What? Christ, Freddie's quick change.

Those thieving devils.

Give me that sheet, you devil!

There she stands in her sheet

that won't come off

so no one in the world can see you.

My little girl, so far as I could see

before she went.

[Selsdon] It's you, I mean, I think.

[Belinda] It's her, isn't it?

Dad!

[Selsdon] Surely that was our little Vicki

that ran away. I thought I'd never see her.

Here she is again.

[Belinda] So where's my...

So where's my other sheet?!

A house of heavenly peace. I rent it.

You?

I tried calling. You're in rehearsals

all day, but you're not there at night

or in the morning.

I don't know where you are.

No, I'm not going to be put off.

As soon as that curtain's down,

you'll be seeing her. I know that.

She's being difficult.

I saw that cactus. I'm not blind.

Then you'll be on the next plane

to New York.

I'm starting to know the way you operate.

I bet there's somebody else in Hamlet!

You can't walk away from it this time.

You've got to hear because I'm pregnant.

And, curtain.

[screaming]

[Lloyd] If you thought Miami Beach

was as bad as things could get,

you're very much mistaken, my friend.

Things got a lot worse backstage

by the time we got to Spartanburg.

Then after Spartanburg,

there was Lynchburg.

After Lynchburg,

there was Parkersburg and Petersburg.

Then after Parkersburg and Petersburg,

there was Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled peppersburg.

But nothing could've prepared us

for the final horror.

Cleveland.

[telephone rings]

[scuffling and fighting]

[screaming and bickering]

[phone continues ringing]

[Garry] Quiet!

[Dotty] Hold on, I'm coming!

Hold your horses. I'll be right there.

Hold on. I can't pick sardines

off the floor and answer the phone.

I've only got one leg.

Hello?

Hello? Yes, but there's no one here.

No, Mr. Brent's not here. He lives in Spain.

Mr. Philip Brent,

the one that writes the plays.

Only why he wants to get mixed up

in plays God only knows.

He'd be safer off in a snake pit.

No, she's in Spain, too.

They're all in Spain.

Am I in Spain? No, I'm not in Spain.

I'm in agony, that's where I am.

We haven't been on the road

for three months

and already she's trying to kill me.

I'm back there standing with sardines

and the next thing I know

she's kicking me in the...

Where the hell are they?

If it's to do with letting the house...

- I can't find him.

- I'll find him.

They're next to the study... the phone.

Squire, Squire, Hackham

and hold on.

I'm going to do something wrong here.

Always the same, isn't it?

As soon as you got too much on your plate,

there you go putting your foot in it.

Speak of the devil.

They go putting their foot in it now,

won't they?

I'll take care of that,

I'll just put that there.

Look, see? That'll keep them

out of harm's way.

What I'm holding now, I don't know.

And off I go at last.

My housekeeper, yes.

But this is her afternoon off.

So, we've got the place

entirely to ourselves.

I'll just check.

Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.

So, what do you think?

Great! And this is all yours?

Just a little shack in the woods, really.

Converted posset mill. 16th century.

[phone crashes]

One has to have somewhere to entertain

one's business associates.

There's someone on the phone now,

by the look of it.

It's probably this Arab,

saying he's coming at 4:00.

I'll just have a word with him.

Right, and I've got to get those files

to our Basingstoke office by 4:00.

Yes, we'll only just manage to pick it in,

to pick it up.

Right then.

I won't bother to pull the champagne.

- [Brooke] All these doors!

- [Garry] Only a handful.

Study, kitchen and a self-contained

service flat for the...

receiver.

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