Noises Off... Page #11

Terrific.

- And which one's the...

- The what?

- You know.

- Yes, through here.

[Garry] It's through here.

[Brooke] Fantastic!

Just come for me sardines.

- I thought there was no one here.

- I'm not here. I don't know where I am.

I'm from the agents.

- Lost the phone?

- Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.

- I've never lost the phone before.

- I'm Mr. Tramplemain.

I'll just put it up here

in case anybody wants it.

- Look.

- Right, thanks.

I just dropped in

to go into a few things.

To check some of the measurements.

Do some odd jobs.

Now the plate's gone.

I'm showing a prospective tenant

the house.

[Brooke] What's with this door?

She's thinking of renting it.

Her interest is aroused.

- That's not the bedroom.

- No! That's the downstairs bathroom.

And W.C. suite.

This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

Sardines here!

- She's not really here.

- You're standing on 'em.

It's the Royal, you know.

The horse race.

You shouldn't have stood on them.

- Don't worry about us.

- I need those sardines.

- We'll just inspect the house.

- I'll have to give the floor a wash now.

- I'm sorry.

- That's all right.

We don't want the television, do we?

Right, she didn't explain about

wanting to watch the Royal

because obviously there's been

this thing with the...

I'm just, in case... somebody's

looking at all this, thinking, "My God"!

Great! Come on, then.

I've got to be in Basingstoke by 4:00.

I thought we ought to get that straight.

- Take it up with us.

- Where are we?

- Don't let my files out of sight.

- We've gotten out of...

- What?

- Her?

Okay, her! She's been

in the family for generations.

Sardines. I'll just give the floor a wash

with this and they'll be out of your way.

Look what I've got hold of now.

- Great!

- Like a battlefield back there.

I'll just put this up here.

Then if he wants it,

he won't know where to find it.

You'll have to do the sardines,

'cause I have to go to the kitchen

and do some more sardines.

See, she thinks it's great.

She's even making us sardines.

- So, what do you think?

- I think she's terrific.

- I mean, do you want to do the...

- Which way?

I don't know, just kind of wrap them up...

- Up here?

- I'll do the...

- In here.

- Okay, you take the...

- It's another bathroom.

- box back.

Always trying to get me in the bathroom.

Bag! Box!

A black sheet.

Box! Box! Bag! Bag!

You're in a real state.

If we haven't got the upstairs...

You can't even get the door open.

This is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it!

- Do you like it?

I can't believe it.

- A perfect place for an assignation.

- Home!

But how odd to find a telephone

in the garden.

- I'll put it back.

- I thought I better bring it in.

- Sensible.

- Someone's bound to want it.

- Why don't you put it on the table?

- The wire seems to be caught.

Look, it's caught round

the downstairs bathroom.

So it is.

- I think I've disentangled it.

- I climbed through the bathroom window.

Anyway... Our little secret hideaway.

- The last place on earth anyone will...

- Look for us!

But it's rather funny creeping in like this.

What?

- You're thinking, "It's damn serious".

- Yes, it's damn serious.

You're thinking about Inland Revenue.

Absolutely, Inland Revenue.

To cut a long story short,

I think I'll wash up and go to bed.

Yes, but we must have our little talk

first about Inland Revenue.

You're thinking, "lf Inland

Revenue finds out we're in the country,

"bang goes our claim to be residents

abroad, bang goes most of this year's..."

Leave those downstairs!

- Not upstairs.

- Inland Revenue may hear us.

One moment they're kicking you to death,

the next moment they expect you

to come waltzing out with sardines.

- Newspaper!

- You gave me a turn!

My heart jumped right out of the sofa.

- We thought you'd gone.

- I thought you were in Sardinia.

- We are.

- You haven't seen us.

- We're not here.

- They've brought me a lovely present.

The main thing is

the income tax people are after us.

I can guess who thought of this.

- We're off to bed.

- She leaves them quietly on the sofa.

- Has the bed been aired?

- I got a surprise for you.

- I'll get a hot water bottle.

- I'll give you some sardines, sweetheart.

- Let me at her!

- Oh, dear!

She's left you on your own, has she?

What are you supposed to do?

Has she talked about your letters?

- What's she telling you now?

- Your tax letters in the study!

I'm supposed to tell him that!

- In the pigeon house?

- In the pigeonhole. You come with me.

Anybody would think

she was married to you.

- Yes, but I can hear voices.

- What sort of voices?

Box voices, I mean...

People's boxes.

But there's no one here.

[Garry] Darling, I saw

the door handle move.

These bags, I'm not sure they were...

When we went into the,

you know what I mean?

I still don't see why you have

to put your tie on to look.

Because if someone left

these things outside, come on,

they obviously wish them

to be downstairs inside the...

Mrs. Clockett?

It could be, on her way up here

to carry various things. Who knows?

I'll fetch them.

You can't go downstairs like that.

Mrs. Crackett,

she's irreplaceable.

At least I thanked

her properly for the sardines.

You're still poking around?

Yes, still poking. Still pulling.

Lucky I can't see far with this leg.

Just trying all the doors...

Checking all the door handles.

- Mrs. Blackett...

- Clackett, dear.

- Is there anyone else in the house?

- I've seen no one, dear.

I thought I heard boxes.

I found the voices.

- There's no voices here, love.

- I must've imagined it.

- [big crash]

- [Freddie] Oh my God!

I beg your pardon.

Oh, my God!

- Why, what is it?

- The study door's open.

They'll need these things inside the...

so I'll just put them outside...

You know what I mean.

Nothing but flapping doors in this... handle.

"Final notice... steps will be taken...

foreclosure... proceedings in court".

Oh, my God, who are you?

- I'm Philip.

- You're Philip? What happened to you?

- There were these sardines on the floor.

- He stepped in it?

- And he slipped.

- She's killed him. She's killed you!

No, he's just a bit shaken.

He'll be all right in a minute.

You were going to tell me a gentleman

had come about the house, were you?

What?

You were going to tell me a gentleman

had come about the house.

A gentleman come about the house.

- Don't tell me, I'm not here.

- You haven't hurt himself, have ya?

Just leave everything

to Squire, Squire, Hackham and Poppy.

All right, then, love.

I'll just sit down and turn on the sardines.

I've forgotten the sardines.

No, I haven't forgotten the sardines.

I remembered them.

What a surprise!

I guess I'll just go into the kitchen

and fix some more sardines to celebrate.

I didn't get this. I'm not here.

I'm in Spain.

But if I didn't get it,

I didn't open it.

Darling, I never had

a handle like this, did l?

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