Noises Off... Page #12

- Didn't you?

- I shouldn't buy anything as brassy as this.

- It's not something you gave me?

- I should never have touched it.

No, it's lovely.

Stick it down, put it back, never saw it.

I'll just put it in the attic

in case anyone else wants to have a try.

All right, now the study door's

closed again!

What's going on?

Knocking. Upstairs.

[knocking]

Oh, my God. There's something

in the linen... Oh, my God!

Listen, I can't.

I can't because

the handle seems to have, you know...

You'll just have to... Come on!

I mean, whatever's in there.

Can you hear me, darling?

Look, there's no need to keep banging.

There's nothing I can... It won't...

There's no place to...

Listen, climb round to the...

Squeeze through the, you know...

Shin down the...

There must be someway.

For God's sake!

"Final notice... steps will be taken...

foreclosure... proceedings in court".

- It's you!

- Of course, it's me.

You put me in here in the dark

with all black sheets.

I put you in there, but you managed

to squeeze through the...

- Why did you lock the door?

- I couldn't. I mean, look, it's come off.

- Someone locked the door.

- Sorry.

- Anyway, you can't stand here like that.

- Like what?

With people going in and out!

- Okay, I'll take it off.

- In here!

"Final notice... steps will be taken...

foreclosure... proceedings in court".

- Now what?

- A hot water box? I didn't put it there.

- I didn't put it there.

- Sorry.

Is someone in the bathroom

filling first aid bottles?

[Brooke] There's something freaky

going on here.

Darling!

Are you coming to bed or aren't you?

- What did you say?

- I didn't say anything.

I mean, there's the door handle.

Now, the first water box.

- I feel goose pimples all over.

- Get something round you!

Get the covers over our heads!

What did I do with those sardines?

You, wait here!

You hear funny things

about these old houses.

But this one has been

extensively modernized.

I can't see how anything creepy

would survive oil-fired central heating...

What is it? What's happening?

The sardines, they've gone!

No, they haven't. They're here.

Oh, my God!

You put a plate of sardines down for

two minutes and the last thing you expect

to find, I mean, these days,

the one thing you do not expect to find

when you come back is a plate of...

That's really weird.

Perhaps there is

something funny going on!

I'm going to get into bed

and put my head under the...

Because there they are, exactly where l...

I suppose Mrs. Stockett must've...

Jesus, what is going on?

- Bag!

- Bag?

What do you mean, bag?

- Sardines!

- Bag!

Bag? What bag?

- No bag!

- No bag?

Your bag's suddenly here now.

It's in the bedroom. It was in the bedroom.

I put it there.

- I'll put it in the bedroom.

- Don't go in there.

The box. They've both not gone.

[Garry] What's happening? Where's

Mrs. Spratchett? Wait in the bedroom.

- No.

- [Garry] Get dressed, then.

I am not going in there.

I'll fetch your dress out here.

Your dress has gone.

[Garry] Don't panic!

There's a perfectly rational explanation...

for this.

[screaming]

Darling, I know this is going

to sound silly, but...

If we're not going to bed,

I'm going to clear out the attic.

- Are you all right?

- Oh, my God!

What happened?

- She's killed this one now.

- He's stunned, that's all. Keep going.

She's putting sardines

on the stairs for him.

- Are you all right?

- Don't panic!

- He's all right.

- Well done.

She'll get you next time.

- There's a rational explanation for all this.

- Where are we?

I'll fetch Mrs. Splotchett

and she'll explain.

I'm here.

I fetch Mrs. Splotchett

and she'll explain.

No, she won't. She doesn't know

if it's Christmas or Cleveland.

- I'll tell you.

- There's a man in there, yes?

No, he's not in there, my precious.

- He's here, look, and so am l.

- No, there's no one in the house, love.

Look, I know this is

quite a surprise for everyone.

It's a shock to find a man

lying at the bottom of the stairs.

Isn't it, darling?

But now we've all met.

We'll just have to introduce ourselves.

Won't we, darling?

This is my husband.

I'm afraid he hates surprises.

Why don't you get that bottle

marked poison in the downstairs loo?

- It eats through anything.

- Eats through anything, right. Thank you.

I've heard of people getting stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

Come in, and join the party, honey.

A burglar. This is most exciting.

This is all my fault because when I say,

"I've heard of people

getting stuck with a problem",

and I open this door...

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

Oh, dear. I've done it again.

Sometimes it makes me

want to sit down and weep.

I know, it's getting

like a funeral out here.

When I think I used to do banks.

Just keep going!

When I remember I used to do

bullion vaults. What am I doing now?

I'm breaking into paper bags.

- Keep going.

- Stop?

You see, the coast was clear.

I saw him go through to the bathroom.

We'll think of something.

No, I was listening most carefully.

What is it he says?

I've heard of people getting stuck

with a problem, but this is ridiculous.

And he opens a door.

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted

for incitement.

They always come in threes, don't they?

When I think I used to do banks.

When I remember I used

to do bullion vaults.

Hold on! We know this man!

He's not a burglar.

He's our social worker.

He's that nice man

who comes and tells us what to do.

[all] Oh!

I've been working on Hamlet

for the last six weeks.

You think he needs working on

more than we do?

He's playing the burglar now?

Okay, I'll think of something.

Fetch the sardines.

- I fetched the sardines.

- You fetched the sardines?

She's fetched the sardines!

- Get the tax demand.

- He's got the tax demand.

All right, I suggest.

What's he saying?

He's saying, "Ring the police"!

Ring the police?!

It's for you.

- No phone.

- Get the phone.

- [Belinda] Here's the phone.

- We found the phone!

[phone rings]

Pick it up!

[all] Pick it up!

It's the police!

I'll just tell them a young woman is missing.

Yes, a young woman is missing.

It's in the garden now.

And it's a man.

It's her. We forgot all about her.

- No, he almost saw me.

- All right.

- So what do you think of that, my sweet?

- I've got to get the 8:40 to New York!

House of heavenly peace! I rent it.

It's the other one!

In her wedding dress.

Yes, it's their wedding day!

What a happy ending!

To the first act!

Of their new life together.

They just want to be alone

in their new home.

If only someone would pull the shades.

Come in?

- It's the mother of the bride.

- Go out?

Pull the shades!

Last line!

I'll tell you one thing, Vicki...

[all] What's that, Dad?

When all around is strife and uncertainty,

there's nothing like

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