Noobz

---

[dance music plays]

[man] You know that there

are over one billion

gamers worldwide? And that the

average age of a gamer

is 37-years-old?

The anatomy of a gamer

looks something like this.

First off is hand-eye

coordination.

A true gamer could flick

an atom off a gnat's ass

as it flew by. True story.

Next up, posture,

which really doesn't matter

because owning people can

be done from any position.

I once got sniped by a guy

who said he was in the middle

of intercourse.

He sent me a pic to prove it.

I mean, getting sniped

was the least of my worries.

I didn't even know

my mom liked gamers.

You see, gamers are

the new athletes.

But most people wouldn't know

that. They just go to bars

and cheer for people that they

will never meet in person.

- What the...?

- They fail to realize

that there is a cyber-athlete

in just about every home

in this world.

So, unfortunately,

we have to put up

with people like this.

- Yes!

- Watch it! Geek!

[man] This chick isn't fooling

us. We know exactly how her

Friday nights will go:

- Making Daddy proud.

-[gagging]

Ah! This party's so sick, man!

[man] It's time to recognize

the new athletes

of the 21st century.

These trolls will try to

compete, but to us gamers,

they will always be

a bunch of noobz.

[rock music plays]

I hate the way you chose me

as someone to love to try

to impress me with your lies

Number nine

I would rather watch The

Sound of Music in my pajamas

Take a walk on the wild side

Number eight

Did you know that you just

shut up for just one second

That a feeling of joy

and happiness will appear

[making video game,

shooting sounds]

[babbling]

Your bullshit...

OK.

Got you an eight

and an eight and a half.

[gagging] Oh, my God!

Wow!

Just slide it in real nice.

[coughing, gagging] Oh, my...

Come on, you apes!

You wanna live forever?!

Yeah! Kill 'em all!

Kill 'em all!

What? I can't get on, man.

I just started an open house.

Dude, that is right.

Open house, all right?

So open the door,

let those b*tches in, all right?

So you can go home and log on.

We gotta play

the Black Assassins!

We just played them, man.

They beat our ass every single

time. I hate those kids.

Dude, it's the clan generator.

Random pick.

It's the last time we're gonna

get to play the Assassins

before the tourney.

I told you, man, quit talking

about that damn tourney.

I'm broke, dude.

- This housing market sucks.

- Dude, listen to me.

You're fourth in the world.

We're all broke. The tourney's

the only thing you should be

thinking about.

I'd be number on

if I didn't have to work

this stupid-ass job.

I gotta sell a house so my wife

will quit bitching at me.

Then I can play.

Well, look, think how happy

you'll be and she'll be

when you're splitting up

that fat, fat championship

money, baby.

You know what? She'll be so

happy, she'll be like, "Oh!"

And you'll be like, "Eh!"

And you'll be like, "Ooh!"

You're an idiot, dude.

All right, listen, I got a

couple of raisins walking up.

I'm gonna throw some cards

on the counter,

and when Alzheimer's sets in,

I'm gonna duck out.

I'll be on in 20.

- Hi! How are you?

- Hi. Fine!

What a lovely dead animal

you got draped across your neck.

Did you kill that yourself?

Let's go on in. Thank you.

Oh, that's... excellent.

OK. Thanks.

All right. So it's a house.

You know that.

[music plays as ringtone]

Andy! Yo, give me some news.

Clan match, Black Assassins,

one hour, boy.

Nice! Yeah, we need all the

practice we can get,

so it's good.

Practice? This is a real match,

princess.

- You better be there.

- Yeah, well, I'm in either way.

- So... hold on.

- Yoo-hoo!

How's this look?

Uh... you know what?

You, um... you were right.

You are a small. [laughs]

I don't know what

I was thinking.

I've been trying on clothes

a lot longer than you

wanted to be a woman.

[both laugh]

[laughs] Even she knows

you like the penis.

Allegedly.

Look, I'm only working half

a day, so I will be there.

- See you later, sweetheart.

- OK. I love... you hung up. OK.

OK! See what else we can try

and grease you into. Shall we?

- [beeping]

- There you go.

- What's up, bro?

- What's up, my brother?

Log on. Clan match,

one hour, bro.

- Who's the victims?

- Black Assassins.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna

make them my beeyatches!

Wait, did you say "beeyatches?"

Hollywood always

drops LA slang.

Whatever, dude,

just get a cell phone.

- [r&b plays]

- [cell phone rings]

- Hello?

- Cody!

- Yes?

- This is Sarah.

Hi, Sarah. How are you?

I'm pissed! I'm at the open

house, and where are you?

I, um, I just left. I had

to run a couple errands.

An errand, Cody?

You can't leave random people

in our client's house

without supervision.

Why not? It's an open house.

They're adults.

Oh, I've had it with you,

Cody Thomas!

You haven't sold a house

in months, and...

I just heard you asked a

prospective buyer's daughter

if she thought her mother

was a prostitute?

If you had seen what

she was wearing...

Oh, hi! Come on in. Yeah,

I'll be right with you. OK.

This isn't work out, Cody.

You're fired. Don't worry

about repaying your advance.

Damn it!

- What's up, fellas?

- In the house!

- What up, ladies?

- What's up?

I got fired for leaving my open

house, that's what's up.

- [Andy] What?

- I know, man.

Melissa's gonna kill me. I have

no idea what I'm gonna do.

If you need, you are more than

welcome to stay at my place.

I got a queen-sized bed.

It's really nice.

Told you, Oliver,

I'm not interested.

- So rude.

- Let's just win this game.

- I hate these dudes.

- Sup, beeyatches? Ready

to take it in the ass again?

- Screw you, dude.

- You wish, Fraggett.

I'm in no mood for your mouth,

Chomama. Where's the rest

of your clan?

I got some good news

for you punks.

- Only two of us is playing.

-Yo, Chomama, you know

you need four

for an official clan match.

Look, Pr3daTurD, I can beat your

whole weak-ass clan on my own.

- So be grateful we

even showing up.

- Why don't we just play?

OK? I got Pilates in an hour.

[electronic music plays]

Cover Rumpleforeskin.

Oh, and... Oh, yeah!

- I'm dead. I'm dead.

- Are you serious?

Rain on me. Get upset with me,

'cause it's my fault.

- Ah!

- Come on!

- Wow. Why wouldn't you?

- Why wouldn't I what?

How did I know you'd be playing

that stupid video game?

It's only three

in the afternoon.

- Yeah, so?

- So?

Normal people have jobs

during the week, Cody!

- Not playing damn video games!

- He's getting yelled at.

- He's getting yelled at, bro.

- You know this is how I relax.

- Come on, Hollywood!

- You sounds really relaxed,

don't you?

Wait a minute. What are you

even doing here right now?

Oh, my God, Cody.

You lost another job,

didn't you?

- You are pathetic.

- Oh, that's harsh.

Cody, mute... mute your mic.

Must be that time

of the month, huh?

It is, Cody! It is that time

of the freaking month!

- Dude, we can hear you!

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