Noobz Page #2

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- The time that I actually

leave your worthless,

- sorry, video game-playing ass!

- Man, I gotta record this.

- Yeah, I've heard that before.

- No, you know what?

You're right, Cody Thomas.

You have heard that before,

and I am sorry for that.

Because my psychic was right.

There is something big

that's going to happen to me,

and it is not with you.

What psychic?

Your 1-900 numbers you call?

First of all, Miss Theo

is a real psychic.

She knew exactly how I was

feeling before I told her.

- She understands me, Cody.

- She's just some woman

that lives in the ghetto

that gets you to pay 99 cents

a minute to be your friend

on the phone.

- And I pay for it.

- Ha! You pay for it?

- Oh...

- You don't pay for anything!

My hosting job is the only way

that we're able to pay for rent

around here,

which, by the way,

is a month behind!

OK, like you don't know this?

It's hard being a real estate

broker right now.

Yeah, let's talk about that.

You're a real estate agent.

I'm sorry, correction.

You were a real estate agent.

You wear a blazer.

A burgundy blazer!

You think the word "broker"

makes it sound like you're

on Wall Street or something.

You actually made

a fan of yourself. Awesome!

And to top it all off, I'm

embarrassed to even drive our

car to the grocery store

because you've got the entire

thing wrapped with your face!

- I was building a brand!

- Your brand reeks

of desperation, Cody!

What's next, a bus bench?

You're a bench.

Exactly.

That's exactly how I thought

you'd respond.

This video game rules your life.

We don't even have sex anymore

because you're in a bad mood

because you lost some stupid

clan match or something!

I'm beginning to think

that you're gay.

Damn!

Really? Now I'm gay?

Well, how should I know?

You have two friends!

One's a total slob

and the other one's

still hiding in the closet!

- I'm not a slob.

- So not gay.

I'm leaving you, Cody.

I'm leaving you

for real this time.

I found someone else.

Disaster!

I'll, uh, I'll send someone

to get Miss Kitty.

You feed her for a couple

of days, OK?

Goodbye, Cody. I hope your video

game can grow a vagina

and fulfill your fantasies.

Oh! That would be ideal.

- [door slams]

- Hell no, man! I cannot believe

we just lost to two kids.

Dude, we just heard everything.

Rematch! Let's play again.

I think... I think we've

probably... probably had enough.

Your wife... your wife

just left you.

[laughing] Ya'll some

sorry-ass gamers!

RumPull4Skinz, you just got

dropped like an atom bomb!

[laughing] I'll see you suckers

in LA.

The king is out. Peace!

We just lost to two

Dude, your wife just

left you and...

Forget her, man!

I'm done with this clan!

Cody, calm down, bro.

We know what we did wrong,

and we'll fix it before

Cyber Bowl, OK?

Cyber Bowl after this

performance? You

gotta be kidding me.

- Cody, we all agreed to go.

- I'm not going! Period!

Don't worry, guys.

Look, when he cools off,

I'll talk to him, and we're

gonna win this thing, man.

We're gonna be rich!

Baby, baby!

- We're gonna win that money!

- Papa needs that 100 grand

in prize money.

Get a new Coach purse.

[hip-hop plays]

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Hey! Game broke,

I want my money back.

Uh, yeah, broke

in pieces, bro.

- Do you have disc protection?

- No.

- No? How about a receipt?

- No, no and no.

- No.

- No and no. I know, it's crazy.

Just blew up, so...

- It just blew...

- Yeah.

- It just blew up?

- I don't know what happened.

That's on you. You can

tell me what happened.

It's on me.

I see what's on me is

- there's like...

this is really busted.

- Yeah.

I can't even play it.

That's unplayable.

OK, well, I don't think

I can give you cash

or anything for that.

You... May I speak

to your manager, please?

- Oh, yeah, I'll go get him.

- Thank you.

- Hey, how you doing?

- Now if you're a manager,

you know that the customer

is always right. So...

I'm telling you that

the game shattered.

I'd like my money back.

All right, well,

the customer is always right...

- ...when he's right.

- I have an idea. Why don't you

take many of your fingers

and type many of these little

buttons here, take many mouses

or mice, take some many mice,

and many of these... beep,

boop... and get me my many

dollars back for the game

- that you broke.

- Yo, why don't I take many

of my fingers,

ball 'em up in a fist,

and break in your damn nose

and get blood all over

- your stupid-ass douche shirt.

- Douche shirt?

Why don't you see if those

big-ass wings can fly your ass

on out the door?

Shouldn't you be grappling

right now with some other men

on a mat?

Take your game.

Yo, man, you're scaring me.

I hate people, man.

Can you get out of here?

- Chris, I'm gonna take lunch.

- Uh, but I'm scheduled

to take my lunch first today.

OK, man,

I'll take my lunch second.

- It's good to be king.

- Come on.

[Andy] You think

she's coming back?

No, I don't.

That's a bummer, man.

I don't even deserve her.

It doesn't even matter.

Dude, you're wearing pajamas

at 1:
00 in the afternoon.

You're like the poster child

for singles for life.

Dude, I'm the poster child

for screw-ups, man.

I think it's obvious now.

Dude, you don't have to

live like that, all right?

You know what? When life

throws you a curve ball, bro,

just throw a mod chip of life

in there and cheat it.

- What the hell are

you talking about?

- I'm talking about

being a champion,

using your God-given talent

to make it happen.

Be RumPull4Skinz-Skinz-Skinz!

You're talking about

the tournament, man. I know

what you're talking about.

- Why is it so important to you?

- It's not just important

to me, man.

It's important to all of us.

We all need this, bro. Everyone!

Hollywood needs a game

tournament? He's a famous actor.

Come on. We both know that

Hollywood is not a movie star.

He's a good gamer, though,

right? So we need him

for the tourney,

- whoever he is.

- [sighs]

I'm hungry, bro,

and I'm broke.

I need another taco.

- Really? Really?

- What do you want me

to do, man?

- All right, I got it.

- I have no job!

All right.

What the hell is that?

Holy crap!

You got a picture of Girlguns.

Don't be an a**hole.

Her name is Ricki.

Oh, my God. You've been obsessed

with this chick ever

since Dreamcast.

And wait a minute, dude.

She was like ten back then.

You got a van with

no windows now or what?

Come on, you're disgusting.

She was ten. She's not anymore.

She can drink now, dude.

Which means... boom!

- [babbling]

- You want to go to LA

because of that chick.

- It has nothing to do

with the tournament.

- No.

We need this, bro.

You need this,

and that's just a bonus.

How in the hell do you

function in society, man?

You're like a six-foot-tall

can of vagina repellant.

My game is strong. Like bull.

Just tell me you'll go, bro.

I need this.

I cannot even believe that

I'm even contemplating this.

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