Norbit

Everyone has their path in life,

and this is more or less

where mine started.

My name is Norbit Albert Rice,

and I was an orphan.

I like to think my parents

loved me very much,

but just didn't have the means

to properly care for me.

I can see them researching

all of the orphanages in the area,

agonizing over their choices,

trying to make sure

their precious little boy

was raised in the perfect environment.

Ling Ling! Someone left another one!

Coyotes, go! Get! Back! Back, coyotes!

Get out here! You not eat another baby.

Oh, crap. Another black one.

Can't give these away.

You ugly black one, too.

You be here long time.

Nobody ever come and say,

"Give me the ugly, black one."

You very ugly baby.

The ugliest baby I ever seen.

A lot of people think

that orphanages are cold and scary,

but the Golden Wonton

was a great place to grow up.

We had everything

normal children had. Pets...

Here. Play with that.

...a big backyard,

and lots of kids to play with.

Ling Ling!

The children got in MSG barrel.

Now all their hair gonna fall out again.

You stupid orphan!

Nobody want a bald orphan!

Norbit, how you find family with no hair?

Nobody want a bald Norbit!

What the hell wrong

with the children here?

Mr. Wong was a very interesting man.

In addition to his love for children

and preparation of fine Asian cuisine,

he had a real passion

for oldtime whaling.

It's a whale, ho!

Die, you sonofa!

Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

Norbit, where you go?

Why you run off like little b*tch?

After Marvin Browning got lost

downtown for a couple of weeks,

the orphanage started using

a buddy system.

Go, Norbit!

My buddy was little Kate.

Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

That's okay. You're doing good.

Kate and I were always together.

Playing checkers...

Oh, man.

Yes!

...watching scary movies.

Why, we even pooped together.

And then one day, Kate and I decided

that we should tie the knot.

We got married

under the great big oak tree.

I now pronounce you my wife.

And I pronounce you my husband.

It's watermelon.

Yours is green apple.

I think it's time for us to kiss now.

And we lived happily ever after

for about two weeks

until she got adopted.

Bye, Norbit.

I didn't do too much bike riding

after that.

When Kate left, there was an

odd number of kids at the orphanage,

so I was buddyless for a while.

And sometimes I'd get a little sad,

but I never lost hope.

I knew that someday I'd find

another somebody to share my life with.

All I had to do was just be patient.

What'd you do that for?

Because we felt like it.

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do about it?

Loser.

Stop it.

Leave him alone.

Says who?

Says who?

Who are you?

Rasputia. What's your name?

Norbit.

Norbit? That's a stupid name.

Why'd you beat those boys up?

To protect you.

You got a girlfriend, Nesbit?

Norbit.

No.

Well, you do now.

Get your ass up and hold my hand.

Okay.

How you doing?

Everything changed

once I had Rasputia as my girlfriend.

We took care of each other,

and the other kids

started to respect me.

I'll take...

Norbit.

Come on.

And because of Rasputia,

for the first time in my life,

I had a real family.

Rasputia had three brothers.

Big Black Jack. He was the oldest.

Leg.

Then, there was Blue.

Breasts.

And Earl. He was the baby.

Wing.

They sure loved their little sister,

and so they treated me

like one of their own.

Here you go, Norbit.

Saved the best piece for you.

What's that?

Turkey ass. Eat up, sucker.

Bon appetitty.

Bon appetitty.

The Latimores had a reputation

for being the meanest,

nastiest people in town,

but that's just because

folks didn't know them.

They were actually

very nice, hardworking people.

They ran

the local construction company,

and recently, responding to the needs

of the community...

Yo, Morris.

...had opened a little security business.

It was a surprisingly popular service

among the local vendors.

Hey, you don't shake me down.

I'm Italian. I shake you down.

Is that right?

Yes.

Get his ass in here.

I'm in.

As time passed,

Rasputia and I got closer and closer,

in high school and as adults.

I started working as a bookkeeper

in her family's business.

I'm expecting

some important calls today, Norbit,

so when you answer the phone,

try and sound white.

So when you answer the phone,

try and sound white.

It was like everything was

finally coming together.

Yes.

Of course,

it was only natural that Rasputia and I

would take the next step

in our relationship.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Open your mouth.

Go, Rasputia!

It was a storybook wedding,

the beginning of a brandnew chapter.

I knew I would never be lonely again.

I had found my place in the world.

Poor Norbit. Man.

Back when I was in the game,

I used to tell my hos,

"Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for

the cow if he can get the milk for free."

You ain't got to worry

about this brother buying the milk,

'cause he just bought

the whole damn cow.

That's a special cow, too.

That must be

where buttermilk come from.

Sing that sh*t, girl.

Them are not dimples.

Them are potholes in her ass.

Look like an Escalade

in a wedding dress.

It a horror show.

Norbit. What a woman you got.

Hi, fellows.

We're all jealous, right, boys?

Oh, yeah. Way jealous.

Wish I had one like that.

Norbit, let me talk to you for a second.

Look, just so we clear.

If you ever hurt my sister in any way,

make her cry,

even make her sad one time,

I'm coming at you

with razor blades and lemon juice.

You hear me?

Yes.

I'm talking pain, boy.

Searing, mindnumbing pain.

I understand.

You understand me?

Yes, yes, yes.

All right.

Welcome to the family.

Thank you.

Somebody is take

a big hunk out of my cake!

What y'all looking at?

I ain't had no cake.

You better mind your damn business.

Hey, hey! Everyone!

I am Mr. Wong.

I am best man in wedding.

I feel it my place to say something,

make a toast to bride and groom,

tell story about Norbit.

I like Norbit father.

I raise Norbit. He like my own child.

And I want to say that

I very, very confused, Norbit,

that you... You marry Latimore.

I don't understand it, because

when you was a little boy, you say,

"One day I find the girl of my dreams."

And then you marry a gorilla.

I joke, I joke, I joke.

Why you not know joke

when you hear joke?

Why you wanna make fight at wedding?

Cool off, before I have to

bust somebody ass in here. Okay.

When Norbit just little boy,

he like to always

run all over place naked. Always naked.

And Norbit, when he was just little boy,

had a peepee the size of an egg roll.

You know, Norbit.

That's true.

And one day, down by creek,

Norbit run around naked

and poisonous snake jump up

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