Norbit Page #2

So, I start to think,

"Do I suck poison out of Norbit's ass

or do I let him die?"

I do the most responsible thing.

I say, "Hell to the no!

"Norbit is out of here,

"because it is long time in hell

"before Wong suck poison

out of another man's ass."

But strange, mystical thing

happen, Norbit.

Even though poison is in Norbit,

he not die.

Norbit get stronger and stronger.

That why I know, Norbit,

deep down inside, you very, very strong.

You strong like warrior.

That's why I say to you, Norbit,

you can survive anything.

Even...

So I say to everyone here, and to Norbit,

I wish you much happiness and peace

and love,

and lots of bananas for your new gorilla.

I only kidding. To Norbit and Rasputia.

Norbit, you know

what would be so romantic?

If you'd carry me over the threshold

like a little chocolate drop.

Be delicate, now.

Put your back into it.

Come on, now. Be a man.

You ain't no man.

Pathetic.

Rasputia, I know we're both nervous

because we've never done this before,

but we can take our time, darling.

In sweet time.

Rasputia was so full of love.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

It was a love that sustained us

through the years.

Halt!

And it's still going strong.

Happy Presidents' Day!

God bless America.

And so, we began our life together,

like any other happily married couple.

Morning, Rasputia.

"Morning, Rasputia," my ass.

I tell you what. You better do something

about that goddamn dog,

because I ain't gonna be

getting terrorized

by no dog on my own property.

I'm sick of it! I'm gonna go out

and purchase me a pellet rifle!

And then I'm gonna give him

something to bark about

when I start popping pellets

in his little bugeyed bastard's ass.

Messing around with you,

now I'm gonna be late for dance class.

God damn it, Norbit.

How many times I got to tell you, when

you drive my car, don't adjust my seat!

I haven't touched your seat.

Then why is it up so damn far?

It looks like it's back

as far as it goes, Rasputia.

No, you moved it. I can tell, 'cause look,

when I inhale,

my titty make the horn honk. Listen.

You see that?

That ain't right.

I hear it.

That scientifically prove

that you was adjusting my seat.

That's not science.

It is. Now just let it go.

It's not science.

I said let it go.

I'm just...

I said it was science, God damn it.

Why you think I want to sell

Golden Wonton Restaurant?

I got a good business.

It practically run itself.

I make a lot of money here.

Every man got a price.

We think this might be yours.

And here is my counteroffer.

Excuse me.

All right, it's go time.

I not like rest of town people.

I not intimidated by Latimore.

You wrong, Wong. Relax, man.

Be cool with that thing, Mr. Wong.

Ling Ling, get my pistol!

That dude is crazy.

Let's get the hell out of here!

I never sell to Latimore! Ever! Ever!

All right! Y'all ready, class?

Are y'all ready?

We gonna perforate!

We gonna penetrate!

We gonna percolate!

We gonna palpitate!

All because we wanna master the bate,

the art of powertap the fat.

Come on, and powertap the fat.

Take that, powertap the fat.

Hey, you get your skinny ass

out of my way.

One, two, three, four.

I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.

One, two, three, four.

Ride the horse. Ride the horse!

Keep bucking, y'all!

Keep bucking! And slide!

Click clackety clack! Come on, slide!

Click clackety clack! Just slide!

Here come the cops.

Here come the cops.

They take me to jail.

They take me to jail.

Riverdance. Come on, white people.

Riverdance. Come on, white people.

Riverdance. Come on.

Now, pump, pump, pump, pump,

pump me up.

Pump, pump, pump, pump,

pump me down.

And one, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

And stretch it out.

Work your whole bicuspids area,

your whole bilaterals and bisexuals.

Very good.

Excuse me, Buster?

I think I need

a little adjustment over here.

Look at you,

looking like the Great Pumpkin, girl.

Trick or treat. What's going on?

Well, see, I was born with a trick hip

and it made me real bendy.

See, I'm just like licorice. Look.

Goddamn, girl,

that look like the harvest moon.

Turn a brother to a werewolf.

You just need to stop.

You know what?

Do you do any private lessons?

I could do private lessons

if you could do me a little favor.

What's that?

Just need you talk to your little brothers

about funding my little video tape.

I'm trying to make powertap

more international.

I'm trying to be like Billy Blanks,

but double the money

and half the Blank.

That's a good idea.

Maybe I will, maybe I will.

But, first, I got to get that private lesson.

Okay. Call me, girl.

I'll call you.

I'll be your private dancer.

Must be Saturday.

Why is that?

Because here come Norbit,

right on schedule.

Almost set your watch to him.

Hey, Pope Sweet Jesus

and Lord Have Mercy.

How you guys doing, fellows?

Business is good.

Business is good.

It's almost like the good old days.

Yes, indeedy.

What do you mean,

"the good old days"?

The good old days, man,

back when we was pimping, Norbit.

You know.

You guys used to pimp?

"Used to"?

That's a violation. Still pimping.

Once a pimp, always a pimp.

Always. Forever.

Boss player.

Rasputia sent me down here

to get the usual.

You guys are open, right?

We always open.

Go on and take yourself in there, Norbit.

We'll stack that up for you.

Moniqua!

Yes, Daddy.

Can you get King Kong

three large buckets, extra sauce?

Please don't trim the fat.

Yes, Daddy.

Please don't trim that fat.

She will kill me.

Norbit, while I got your attention,

can I interest you in some new shoes,

maybe a haircut?

How about a bath or a sink?

Hey, don't tell me

you guys bought the bath store, too?

It's a perfect fit, man.

We used to sell b*tches to johns.

Now we selling johns to b*tches.

Beds, b*tches, and beyond!

Sound like money to me.

No, thanks, guys.

I got to go do a puppet show

for the kids at the orphanage.

At the orphanage?

That's a nice thing you do

for them little kids over there.

Why don't you take

these little tater puffs

over there to them little children?

Oh, that's great, guys. That's sweet.

Wait, my puppets! I forgot my puppets!

I got to go. I got to go, guys.

Where's his puppets?

He ain't got no puppets.

What's Rasputia doing home so early?

'Sputia?

Oh, yeah, girl.

Come on, girl, that's sweet chocolate!

Okay, you in trouble, now.

You in trouble. You in trouble, now.

I'm Willy Wonka.

Get up on that Oompa Loompa.

That's sweet. Oh, yeah.

Take all that, girl.

Take it with your big old self, girl.

You ain't never had it like this.

You ain't never had it like this!

Hell, yeah.

Come on, we gonna do pig in a blanket.

Come on, pig in a blanket.

Now squeal. Squeal! Squeal!

Oink, oink, oink!

Take it from the back.

Damn, I feel like Willy Wonka,

all this sweet chocolate up in this...

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes