North Page #2

I'm a journalist, north.

You never said this conversation

was off the record.

I need time to think.

I'll hold the story,

but a few more displays

like that panther game,

and some parents

may start doing

some thinking of their own.

That damn panther game.

And that geography test

we took today?

What about it?

You got a 34.

Chicago's in Africa?

Mexico... an island

off the coast of Montana?

Where'd you get this?

I'm a journalist, north.

I can't reveal my sources.

How I got this test

isn't important.

Why you got this grade is.

Your instincts are correct.

You need new parents,

and you need them now.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless you haven't

got the guts.

I've got more guts than

anybody in this town.

Eh, talk is cheap.

I just feel I owe it

to my parents

to give them one last chance.

What can I say?

You came to me,

sought my counsel.

The rest is up to you.

No, no, that's o.K.

Thanks, anyway.

North wanted to give his folks

every chance to keep

the family together.

He tried his mom,

but she was too busy

rerouting the himmelmans.

That left dad.

Pants. Can I help you?

My name is north.

Can I talk to my dad?

What number?

Number 6.

Looks like that 5-iron's

a little short.

Number 6.

Number 6! Phone call.

Oh, uh, prom season.

Get a number, would you?

It's your son.

All right. Just a minute.

Is that piping holding up?

Very well, Mr. Vice president.

Now he's an expert on piping.

Hello.

Dad, can I talk to

you for a minute?

Yes, north.

We need these by 5:00.

I only got two legs!

North, I'm swamped.

Could we discuss this

over dinner?

But, dad...

We'll discuss it over dinner.

Yeah, right.

Dinner.

Well, that's that.

O.K., guys, let's roll.

Zoe, you take the South side.

Winchell!

Winchell!

Here you go.

Here you go.

I've made my decision.

Let me guess.

How did you know?

News travels fast.

Apparently.

You got a lawyer?

Do I need one?

This is America.

Everyone needs a lawyer.

I happen to know the best.

Name's Arthur belt.

Let's move it.

Where will I find him?

Don't worry. He'll find you.

We got a paper to get out!

Hello, north.

Arthur belt at your service.

The lawyer?

Your lawyer.

We're a team.

You do what I tell you to do,

you're going to have the

best parents in the world.

You sure you can squeeze me in?

What?

Oh, the "ambulance

chasing" thing.

Ha ha.

That's nothing.

I just use it to beat traffic.

Try it sometime on your bike.

Are we a team?

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, hey, hey. You know so.

Yes, north was actually

going to go through with it

and challenge the entire

concept of family.

The effect was immediate,

as kids now faced their parents

with confidence they once

only dreamed about.

What a great idea.

North's a genius.

Jeffrey, don't be ridiculous.

Now, where did I put that

phone number for Arthur belt?

Did I say ridiculous?

What I meant was, you

look very handsome today.

You realize north will

never pull this off?

He's north. He can do anything.

His folks will fight it.

They won't take this

lying down.

And then

the media circus began.

How do you feel?

Is winchell's story accurate?

Can we take that as a "yes"?

You think you can

pull this off?

No comment.

North, if you're successful,

how will your actions

affect mother's day?

No comment!

In 1793, the cotton gin

was invented.

North, could you please tell

us the name of the inventor?

E-e...

o.K.

Under strict advice

from counsel,

I must respectfully say

no comment.

Finally, north's day

in court arrived.

The world was watching.

All rise for the honorable

judge buckle.

All sit for the honorable

judge buckle.

Now, then, this is a trial,

not a hearing.

Even though both sides

will be saying things

and I'll be hearing them,

it is still not a hearing.

No doubt you'll be hearing

the same things I'm hearing.

That's your privilege.

However, once both sides

have been heard,

it'll be my job

to pass judgment.

Obviously, you can

pass judgment, too,

but it won't count.

That's because I'm the judge.

Have I made myself clear

to the plaintiff?

Yes, your honor,

it's quite clear

to the plaintiff.

Have I made myself clear

to the defense?

Your honor,

the defense rests.

Then there's nothing left to do

but make my judgment,

and in my judgment,

any folks who would

sleep through this trial

don't deserve a son like north!

I rule in favor

of the plaintiff.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

The system works.

North, you're a free man.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Israel was in Egypt land

let my people go

everybody!

Go down, Moses

Hey! Hey! Pipe down!

Go down, Moses...

this is a court of law.

Even though I have

made a judgment,

the trial isn't over.

I still have to make a ruling.

Now, then, today is...

July 1st.

Today is July 1st,

and it's my ruling

that north choose his new

parents by labor day

so he can begin school

with his new family.

If he does not

choose new parents,

he may return

to his original parents.

However, if he is not

physically in the arms

of either his new parents

or his original parents

by noon on labor day,

he will be remanded

to an orphanage.

And if any of you has ever

seen the little rascals,

you know that's no day

at the beach.

Orphanage?

Not to worry.

From now own, the

world is your oyster.

Even though north didn't

really care for oysters,

he couldn't help but take

Arthur belt's enthusiasm

as a positive sign.

North free agent draft.

Yes, his eyes are blue.

Soprano.

Super Mario III.

He believes in God

and evolution.

Don't even get him started

on the Warren commission.

Everyone wants you, kid.

Everyone.

Look at this.

You got a first class ticket

to every city in the world.

My advice is, don't

spread yourself thin.

Learn as much as you can about

the parents you audition.

Once you sign with someone,

that's it.

They're your new folks

forever. Understand?

You bet.

That's the spirit.

Let's get cracking.

So north was on his way.

It was the 4th of July.

This year, independence day

had a special meaning

for north.

He was a free man

searching for the life

he felt he deserved.

There he is.

Look at that boy.

There he is, pa.

Well, hey,

howdy, north.

I'm pa Texas. Here's ma Tex.

And welcome to the

great state of Texas.

Uh, howdy.

I know what you're thinkin'.

Big car, right?

Well, it did cross my mind.

Everything I own's

the biggest and the best.

That's why we'd like you

to become our son.

'Cause you're the best.

To the best.

Home, sweet home.

This can all be yours, son...

the main house,

guest house,

livestock,

oil Wells.

Rumor has it you like baseball.

I used to own

the Houston astros.

Really? What happened?

Just this morning, I

signed them over to you.

Gee, don't get me wrong.

They're a fine organization,

but aren't we rushing things?

Pretty fair shootin', Gabby.

Thanks, boss.

Hey...

What are you doing here?

Finished all my chores.

Figured I'd get

some shootin' in.

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