Not Cool

---

The beat takes

then I start rockin'

The beat takes

then I start rockin '

Ah!

The beat takes

then I start rockin'

The beat takes

then I start rockin '

Go, go

So what you know about that

I make the party crack

Who doesn't love

thanksgiving break?

Me, Tori Gillespie.

Or, as everyone in high school

used to call me...

Whorie, whorie, whorie!

That nickname was meant

to be ironic, by the way,

Although I did have sex

with a zucchini once,

So I guess that was

kind of slutty.

Needless to say,

high school f***ing sucked.

But here's the thing

about high school:

It ends.

And you get to go to college,

Where no one knows that you

were a bed-Wetter till 14,

Or that you broke your own hymen

with a baby carrot.

Only problem is,

when the holidays roll around,

You still have to go home.

Hi!

I missed you so much.

The Alleghany

railroad authority

Welcomes you to Pittsburgh.

Your train from New York...

I texted you

on my new phone!

Look at my sign!

Want to switch lives?

I'd rather eat my own sh*t.

And I do!

This is sh*t up in here.

And yet I'm still

jealous of you.

Where is she?

Yay!

I'm so happy you're home.

Yep, it's still you!

Unfortunately.

I can't wait

to stay up all night

Gossiping about

northwestern boys.

Or girls.

We don't judge.

Just don't talk details.

It gives your mother nightmares.

Nightmares,

it gives me nightmares.

Also, I have some huge news.

Oh, what, my train crashed and

I'm actually in hell right now?

Gil and I are getting married!

Ah!

Are you looking at it?

Yeah, I'm looking at it.

Is it beautiful?

Sh*t, this is why I'm glad

my family dead.

Ah!

Scott!

Scott!

F***ing look at me!

Ow!

Oh, I missed you

so much, boo.

Hey, maybe we should do this,

I don't know,

somewhere a little more private?

Ugh!

You are a f***ing genius!

Ah!

I was actually thinking

maybe more like my place.

Shh, public sex

is way in right now.

It's the second most searched

term on youporn,

Right under

"brother sister stuff."

Sh*t!

Here, hold my invisalign.

Oh, my god.

It's a glory hole.

I've only seen these

in gay porn!

Why are you watching

gay porn?

Wee!

Who are you,

f***ing spider-Man?

Gimme your dick!

Uh, I don't know

if I really want to.

You oddly resemble

The Alice in wonderland cat

right now.

Ugh, stop being such a p*ssy,

And give me your dick.

It's like the wall's

eating my penis.

What the hell is wrong

with these people?

I know.

Some motherfuckers

are so disgusting.

Oh, dear god.

Oh, here it comes.

Are you crying?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know how hard

this was gonna be.

Oh.

Well, do you want

to just, like...

parkour back over

and finish me off in here?

No, no.

I really wanted there

to be a wall between us

When I said this.

What are you...

What are you trying to say?

I'm sorry, Scott.

It's over.

What?

Okay, like, this is

super awkward, but...

could you put my invisalign

back in?

Seewell high school wishes you

a happy thanksgiving break.

Be good people.

Make good choices.

And I was like,

"that's the last time

I'm ever having sex

with the cafeteria lady again."

Bye, gross,

stupid f***ing b*tch!

Kidding.

Not really.

Janie, is that you?

Joel.

What are you doing here?

Huh, nothing much.

Just visiting

the old stomping grounds.

So are the rumors true?

I hear you've turned into

quite the pimp at Cornell.

You follow my tumblr?

No.

Well, you should.

I post a lot of blogs

About my wild adventures,

Or, as I titled them,

"Assventures."

So...

that sounds kind of gay.

I disagree.

Well, welcome home, Joel.

I'll see you around.

Hey, I'm gonna be

helping your dad out

At the vinyl vault

this weekend,

If you want to stop by.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, man,

it's gonna be tough

To box up that whole place

by Monday, you know?

Why are you boxing it up?

'Cause your dad

is closing it down,

Which I'm guessing

He wanted to tell you himself.

Hell yeah,

I think that went well.

Ooh, you're fixin'

my hair

I can see

that you've read them.

Well, I see college

hasn't altered

Your sophisticated

eating habits any.

Not now, dad.

Hey, what do you say

we check out

This surrealist

photography exhibit

At the art museum this weekend?

I'd say I'm su-really

not in the mood right now.

So, no.

Want to talk about it?

What the hell, dad?

You're closing the store?

What?

The vault's an institution.

I was gonna tell you guys

about that this weekend.

Yet you told Joel

before us.

Joel's my best employee.

He's easy to talk to.

Kind of soothing,

Like a woman.

Are we broke?

Come on in here.

Sit down;

Let's talk about this.

Yes, I'm selling the shop.

No, we're not broke.

Truth is, the store is doing

pretty well financially.

But most of the business

is from collectors online,

So keeping the store open

doesn't make sense anymore.

Also, I met someone.

You did?

Anastasia.

A stripper?

What?

I mean, with a name like that,

She's either a Disney princess

or a total slut.

Come on, she's a vinyl

collector down in Florida.

Boo.

And I was thinking

After Janie graduated

this spring,

I'd move down there with her.

This is place is gonna be

Way too big for just me,

anyhow.

But, hey,

We have one last thanksgiving

at home before we move.

That'll be fun, right?

Okay.

Good talk.

Am I doing it right?

No!

Lou, pop your ass!

I can't believe my parents

turned my room into a gym.

Lou, pop that ass!

Watch my ass pop.

Your ass is poppin'.

Yeah.

Girl, it could be worse.

I know a chick whose parents

Turned her room

into a sex dungeon.

Not sure that's worse.

Pop that ass,

pop that ass, pop that ass.

Girl, why don't you

go out tonight,

Get your mind off things?

The only way that

I could get my mind off things

Would be to join a cult and

get myself f***ing brainwashed.

Girl, don't even play

about that sh*t.

I joined a cult once

because they had red track suits

And I wanted

a red track suit.

The amount of innocent

I saw slain...

was not worth

that red track suit.

Oh, god.

Apparently, there is

a kegger on plum street

By the creek.

A kegger by the creek?

Tell me you made that sh*t up.

It sounds like a horror movie.

Oh, believe me,

it is all too real.

Well, then go, and take video.

I want to see where

Tori the whorie comes from.

No, look, the whole point

of going to college

Is to get away

from all of the people

That you hated in high school.

Why would I want

to go back to that?

I mean, it would be

like taking a massive sh*t

And then shoving it

right back up my butt.

Really, girl?

Plus, I'm totally fine

spending the night in.

Oh, oh, I'm gonna fart.

Oh, go ahead, honey.

No, it's gonna be so loud.

Oh, come on, we've been

married for 25 years.

Oh, my god;

Oh, my god.

I...

I have messed myself.

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah.

Mm, mm.

Oh, okay, okay.

Girl, you need

to get out that house.

I'll send you videos.

Yo, queef, sick party!

Thank you, my friend.

I hope you're enjoying

the delicious libations

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote