Not Cool Page #2

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And jovial atmosphere, yeah?

How did you get your parents

To let you have the house

all weekend?

Oh, not even a problem,

brother.

You see, I have an open dialogue

with Mata and Pita.

They respect me as an adult,

And they trust

my wise decisions.

I just threw up

in this genie bottle.

That's my grandmother!

Let her out, man.

Let her out!

I was like, "excuse me

and my awkward approach"

Hey, this is

my personal hell.

Sh*t, sh*t.

Aw, that's adorable.

You're still obsessed with her.

No, I'm not still

obsessed with her.

Yes, you are.

When is her birthday?

January 15th, 1996.

Nice try.

Everyone knows that.

Well, no one give's a f***

about me,

So only you should know,

when's my birthday?

Um...

today?

Oh, my god, today.

Happy birthday, happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Hmm, I f***ing hate you.

Listen, this is

my last chance.

Janie is moving down to Florida

at the end of the school year.

- Oh, my god.

- I know.

- No way.

- Yes.

Oh, my god, that means

you're only gonna have

Christmas break and spring break

To not f*** her.

False, because I have to go

Visit my stupid,

dying grandparents

In Arizona for Christmas.

Boring.

Then I'm hitting up Cancun

with the p*ssy posse

For spring break.

I'm sorry, what the f***

did you just say?

P*ssy posse?

Oh, it's my Cornell boys.

Oh, that's so cute.

You know, if you ever

use that nickname again,

I'm gonna punch you

in the penis.

Okay, you're being

very aggressive.

Just hear me out.

This is my last shot

Before she is

out of my life forever.

Okay, um, look,

I'm gonna try really,

really hard

Not to be a dick here,

Because I can tell you're, like,

Really sensitive

and everything.

She was not into you

in high school.

She's not into you now.

And she's never

gonna be into you.

But I just... You know, I feel

like it's time we move on.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You're right.

Sh*t, you, like...

You handled that really well.

Psych, no,

I'm f***ing with you.

She's totally gonna

sit on my face later, like...

wow, that's really not

how that goes down at all,

So it's clear

you've never done that.

Yes, I have, I've eaten out,

like, 17 pussies.

Or 23.

I don't know.

I know it's a prime number.

God, please stop doing that.

Did you spit?

- Yes.

- That's disgusting.

- A little bit.

- Don't spit.

Where did the straw come from?

My backpack.

You have a f***ing backpack?

Yes, I have a backpack.

It's an adventure.

It's like a hike.

Ugh!

This party is lame.

I've only been roofied and

fingered, like, twice tonight.

I mean, what is this,

a bar mitzvah?

Let's hit up that party

on oak street.

I heard ethyl's gonna be there!

Ew, is that your grandma?

No offense,

but last time I saw her,

She pretended to trip and

grabbed my cooch for balance.

My dad is always tripping.

No, you stupid f***ing dumb

Ecuadorian b*tch!

Ethyl's that new hybrid drug

Everybody's been

blah-blah-ing about.

It's molly mixed

with old people medicine.

It's supposed to be totes Cray.

Well, anyone who would do that

is totes retar.

Holy Zachary Quinto's

eyebrows!

She's learning!

No, seriously, though,

Haven't we been doing

too many drugs lately?

You totally had me, b*tch!

Oh, holy sh*t,

that's my f***ing jam!

Mandy, hold my legs.

Yeah.

Ah, I think I queefed.

Stop looking at my ass,

you whore.

Photo bomb!

Sh*t, I'm sorry.

F***, let me help you.

I'll fix it.

Let me help you dry it off.

I'll dry it off.

I highly advise you

Not to touch any

of the hand towels, okay?

I got it from here.

Right.

More toilet paper.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

It's not creepy at all.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, my bad.

Sorry.

So...

have you started

applying to schools yet?

A few.

I don't know

where I want to go yet.

If you're thinking

of Cornell,

You can always

come visit with me.

My dorm is super cool.

We have a swimming turtle

named randy.

So, pretty f***ing awesome.

Cornell?

Not with the "C" I have

in Mr. Draper's class.

Draper the raper?

Thought he'd give you

an a-Plus with those titties.

I mean, god damn.

Thanks?

Does he still schedule

that stupid midterm

For the day

after thanksgiving break?

Yup.

Turns out he's not only a perv,

He's also a fascist.

You know, I could help you.

I mean, I aced...

I aced draper's class.

I knocked that midterm

out of the park.

I remember he actually

said to me, and I quote,

"You made that midterm

your b*tch."

Or, no... Or he said,

"you did a good job."

But he meant it, so...

I mean, don't worry.

No charge.

Just two study buddies

doing what they do,

Shooting the sh*t.

Whip out a highlighter or two,

Make some marks

on those textbooks.

I don't give a f***

what the librarian says.

Okay, what the hell.

Seriously?

- Mm-Hmm.

- Okay.

Yeah, yes.

So you will not regret this.

I promise.

How is 8:
00 on Friday?

Sounds good.

Good, I think so too, yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

I love you, so much.

This is the first time

I've drank in, like, ever.

But I feel totally fine.

Yeah, no, you look

totally great,

Not at all like a rhino

Who's been shot

with a tranquilizer gun.

Uh-Oh.

I think the f***ing

tikka masala sh*t's

Gonna come back up.

Whew, I feel so much better now.

Want to hook up?

She said yes.

Move, f***ers.

She said yes, she said yes,

she said yes.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna go now.

Hey, motherfuck,

Did you not hear me?

She said yes.

Oh, my god,

that is so exciting.

Hey, at what point

in this conversation

Are we going to acknowledge

that I'm covered in vomit?

What am I gonna wear?

Should I wear a suit?

Maybe one of those

sexy-Ass tight vests

With, like, a dragon on it

for no f***ing reason.

And she's like, "what's that?"

And I'm like,

don't worry about it.

But I don't know

where to take her for dinner,

Because I obviously want

to take her somewhere nice,

But I don't want

to freak her out.

There's about ten

different restaurants

Up in that girl's vomit,

So you can take your pick.

Text me.

Suck a dick.

No.

Sh*t, look, I'm sorry,

But you came out of nowhere.

Scott?

Do I know you?

We went to

high school together.

And middle school,

And elementary.

Tori the whorie?

And we're back.

Wow.

You look kind of good now.

You know, that nickname

Might not even be

that ironic anymore.

Charming, okay.

Well, you're not dead,

so I'm gonna go.

But this has been so fun.

Thank you.

Ugh.

F***.

Can I get a ride?

So you know this is

a really bad idea, right?

It says the party is

only one mile from here.

Oh, fantastic,

I'm glad there's an app

That can make stalking

more efficient.

I'm not stalking, okay?

I'm merely using technology

to help me locate someone

Who doesn't want to talk to me

at the moment.

Which is stalking.

Mm-Hmm.

Ooh, make that left.

You do realize that

you're pathetic, right?

You do realize that

you're covered in vomit, right?

Besides, heather's

gonna take me back.

Oh, fantastic, so not only

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