Not Cool Page #3

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are you a stalker,

But you're a misogynist too.

And I'm a romantic.

Ho-Ho, and why would

heather take you back?

'Cause I think she's

made it perfectly clear

That she wants nothing

to do with you.

She just needs

some time to think

And, you know, reevaluate.

She'll be fine.

Oh, wow.

Because obviously she must be

in a weird mental place

To dump you, Mr. Perfect

with the amazing hair.

Think I have amazing hair?

Oh, my god,

you know you're attractive.

It's annoying.

Wow, amazing hair

and I'm attractive?

Yeah, here I go.

Wait a minute.

Are you into me?

No, god,

I'm not into you.

I mean, would I have sex

with you?

Yeah, probably, but that does

not mean that I'm into you.

You'd have sex with me?

Wow, I mean, I'm not surprised.

I'm just surprised

that you actually admitted that.

Oh, my god, it's 2014.

Women should be able

to openly talk about sex.

I mean, I know

what year it is.

I'm just saying...

Okay, here's the thing,

prom king.

Women think about sex

all the time,

Including your precious,

wonderful heather.

So if she wanted you

in her bed,

You wouldn't be in this car

with me right now.

And that is a fact.

Oh, wait,

hold on one second,

Because I really want

to film this,

Because fail videos

always go viral.

Go on.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe now isn't the best time.

Oh, no, come on, Scott.

The internet wants to see you

Get kicked in the balls

really bad.

Why are you so mean?

I'm mean?

Wow, that's a double standard.

I recall it going a little bit

differently in high school.

Maybe nobody has told you

that high school is over.

That big ceremony thing

that we all did,

That was graduation,

Where we all move on

And we all do different things.

You don't stay here

and be like,

"Oh, I was prom king; I'm cool,

So that means

I'm cool forever."

Nobody gives a sh*t.

So maybe it's time

that you try something new.

Try something

a little bit different,

'Cause obviously this whole...

Wait, wait.

I don't have

any condoms on me.

Who are you?

Tori the whorie.

Oh, yeah,

I came up with that name.

Yeah, you're an a**hole.

Tori the whorie

is back, b*tch!

Okay, first of all,

She never existed.

Second of all,

it was a mistake.

It was a big, stupid mistake.

How big?

What?

Come on, girl,

give me something.

I haven't looked at porn

since I got home.

It was huge, enormous.

And he put it in my butt

And slapped me in my face

with it.

I know you're lying, but...

thank you.

I just... I really want

to forget about it.

So you're not

gonna see him again?

No, it was a one-Time thing.

I'm never talking

to that douche again.

Mm-Hmm.

And does he know that?

Oh, please.

Scott is so far

up his own ass,

He won't even notice.

How far?

Here's the turkey.

Here's the bird.

Hey, I'm sorry you guys

got stuck over here.

Hey, at least we don't

have to sit with crazy aunt Flo.

Did I ever tell you

about the time

I got abducted by aliens?

Funny story, actually.

Their queen impregnated me,

And the baby grew to full size

in less than eight hours.

And then it ate its way

out of my uterus.

Want to see the scar?

Why can't we just have

an alcoholic aunt

Like every other family?

Today, you can consider me

an alcoholic father.

Hey, you remember

Tori the whorie?

The girl whose pimples

used to pop in the sunlight?

That was graphic.

Yes.

You should see her now.

She looks totally different.

Uh, no thanks.

No, seriously, look.

She's, like, photoshopped.

No, seriously,

I'm not interested

in your dumb little crush.

I don't have a crush.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

You know what else

is ridiculous?

"Modern medicine."

I mean, why do I need

a "doctor"

To tell me that I'm "crazy"

And a "danger to myself

and others"?

I mean, hello?

I already have the voices

in my head telling me that.

I can't kill them.

They're family.

You know mental illness

runs in our family, right?

Hey, as long as baldness

doesn't, then I'm fine.

Ugh.

But what I'm most thankful for

Is joining

this wonderful family.

I feel like the luckiest man

in western P.A.

Aw, heck, in the entire state

of Pennsylvania.

Ah!

Marissa, honey, what are you

most thankful for?

Well, other than this

beautiful treasure of a man.

I don't even know

where to begin.

Great, next.

I'm thankful

that my paintings

Were selected

to hang at the met.

Oh, you did, oh.

Oh, and that I finally

learned how to drive!

Yes!

Scary.

You did.

You're an inspiration, sweetie.

Yeah, no, we get it,

she's perfect.

Now, could somebody please

pass the wine

So I can drink

till I black the f*** out?

Language!

Look, I'm real nice

when I'm drunk.

Yeah.

Aw, she's pretty.

Gah!

How did you get in here?

The real question is,

How did we get here?

P'shoo!

Ah.

What?

I hope you like it.

I can't believe

you made this from scratch.

Who wants to play

dance central?

I do!

I want to kill myself.

Yay!

Let's play.

Hey, tore,

can you get the door?

Gil, you are so clever.

What can I say?

She's rubbing off on me.

Okay, well,

if I'm not back in five,

Assume that I'm dead,

And don't come looking for me.

Okeydokey, honey.

Yeah, Gil,

you should try my pie.

What the hell?

Hey.

Did you run here?

I needed to talk to you,

And you weren't

answering your phone.

Yeah, it's thanksgiving,

And my mom makes us

put our phones and beepers

In a basket before we

sit down to the table.

Who has a beeper?

Gil.

I'm a doctor!

Orthodontist!

So you wanted something?

When we had sex last night...

Oh, my god, dude.

My parents are, like,

right in there.

Sorry.

When we had sex last night...

Did you feel something?

Uh, it took me a minute,

but yeah.

Come on, I'm serious.

Like... Like a...

connection?

Oh, my god.

Please do not say things

like that.

I mean, it's so prom-Y.

You're, like,

so stuck in high school.

It's really frightening.

You can't say

you didn't feel anything.

I mean, I thought

it was pretty clear

That we were just two

sad, horny adults

Getting some in a car.

It was just sex, nothing more.

Okay, look, I get it.

You're like...

Your girlfriend dumps you,

And then you randomly

hook up with me,

And you're, like,

all confused and sh*t.

And I understand.

But I think it's best

if you just, like,

Leave me out of the equation

altogether, okay?

Tortellini!

What's going on?

Nothing, mom, we're just...

Ooh, who's this

strapping young man?

He was actually

just leaving.

Hey, I'm Scott,

friend of Tori's.

Got a grip.

Friend, that's interesting.

Well, come on in, Scott.

We're just about to play

dance central.

Yeah, I do have

some pretty sick moves.

You know, in high school,

They used to call me

a depressed dog.

Oh, no, why?

Well, 'cause I ain't got

no bones!

Oh, whoa!

Ah!

Did they also call you

the scarecrow?

'Cause you ain't got no brain!

Okay, I like

Scott's joke better.

Come on, I'll steal you.

We're dancing.

Hm!

Good.

Seriously?

She's an inspiration!

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