Nothing in Common Page #2

- Wait. Can we talk a minute?

- No, we can't.

You told me you liked scuba-diving

and you raised seahorses as a kid.

- Yes, I did.

- And you like to... Oh!

Tell me, are you involved

with anybody?

Yes. No.

Well...

Does self-involved count?

No phone calls.

I left expressed orders

not to be disturbed.

You've reached David Basner.

I'm looking for new voice

for commercial voiceovers.

And you could be it if I

like this, your audition.

So leave your name and number.

Ready? Action.

It's Max.

Max Basner, your father.

Maybe you heard of me.

I thought you'd like to know

your mother left me today.

- What?

- Oh, you're there.

Yeah, I'm here.

What is this about Mom?

You got a girl there?

Anybody you know?

That's funny.

What is this about Mom?

I'm not talking English, huh?

Thirty-six years of marriage

and she walks out.

She took clothes.

She took pots, pans, the blender.

It's 12:
00 at night, and I'm alone

with a meatloaf wrapped in tinfoil.

Dad, I'm sure this is

a misunderstanding.

It's not a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding, you take

a toothbrush, not the blender.

Well, look, I'm...

I'm in the middle of something.

Can I call you back?

Did your mom leave your dad?

I guess so.

People just can't seem

to relate anymore.

Bye-bye.

Hello, Mrs. Packanak.

How are the birds?

- Who is it?

- David.

You know where the key is.

Good morning.

You all right?

Never felt better.

So, what's going on?

I got a horse here

that cannot lose.

- Something burning or am I crazy?

- You're going crazy.

How do you like what your

mother did with the furniture?

Your mother's a thief.

She took the sofa,

the easy chair, the dining table.

I gotta eat off the card table.

I started to shuffle

the toast this morning.

What is this?

Oh. It's a steak.

You want a steak? I'll throw

on another one for myself.

I don't want a steak.

What's with you and Mom?

I can never find the ketchup.

Where does your mother

hide the ketchup?

I haven't lived

here in 10 years.

She kept the peanut butter

on the top shelf. Try there.

Oh.

Here it is.

Your mother hated me using ketchup.

She couldn't cook.

You know, the dog didn't die.

He committed suicide.

Now that's a piece of meat.

You had breakfast?

You want anything?

So...

Mom left?

Do you see anyone else here?

You gonna tell me about the situation

or are we gonna play 20 questions?

I told you on the phone.

She walked out, she left.

Do you know where she is?

Who cares?

I'm better off without her.

Hmm.

She was some bundle of fun,

that one.

My sides still hurt from laughing.

This isn't your problem.

I don't wanna waste your time.

Look, be fair.

I heard from you

three times this year.

"Merry Christmas,"

"Get me hockey tickets,"

and now

"Your mother has left me. "

I know you wanna leave.

You been here 10 minutes already.

What, you got a blond

on the other pillow?

A redhead with tight jeans

with the name across the ass?

When I was a kid we didn't

need any name, just an ass.

Go on, get out of here.

The whisper on the wind

As she slips through the door

The softness of her touch

That leaves you wanting more

Let her put in on

Cut, cut, cut.

What is going on here?

What's down here?

- Why are my glasses on the set?

- What's the matter?

Listen, honey,

it's "Jeu de paume. "

- It's not "Jeu de roller-derby. "

- What do you mean? He moved.

You're ripping this man's face off.

Let's take five.

Take a break, folks.

Seven minutes before lunch,

he takes a break.

You said yes to the Sony,

no to the drunk driving.

- Jane wants to see you.

- I'll be right back.

- Janey, talk to me.

- Lunch tomorrow is at Spiages.

The jacket-no-tie meeting's

pushed to 2:
30.

- Donna call back yet?

- No, but I left three messages.

Someone claiming to

be your mother...

- Wait. My mother?

- She said she was.

I wouldn't know,

I didn't know you had parents.

Get her on the phone.

There's just an address.

Stop by after work.

After work?

I've got seven layouts.

- Okay, Rog?

- Yes?

- We can't break this long.

- Break's over.

Thank you.

Now start nodding.

The client sees me telling you that the

smoke is not gonna cover the product.

Find out exactly where this is.

I rented the upstairs apartment

from Lucille.

You remember Lucille, she was

our cleaning lady when you were 6.

Oh. My mind was so cluttered

when I was 6.

Say hello to Lucille, David.

- Oh, hello, David.

- Hi.

- So good seeing you.

- Nice to see you.

- Meet my husband, Arthur.

- How do you do?

Oh, yeah, I remember Lucille.

I just thought she

was a little taller.

After 36 years of being married,

you pretend the whole

thing didn't happen?

Is that it, Mom?

Is that what your father said?

I just walked out

all of a sudden?

No, he didn't say anything.

We just looked for ketchup.

Well, I'll tell you

what happened.

You have no idea what it was

like since you moved away.

I mean, there was

nobody to talk to.

He'd come home and there

was still nobody to talk to.

I'd check his club chair.

That's how I knew if he was home.

I didn't leave because of the yelling.

I left because of the silence.

It's okay. You don't have to

tell me the whole thing.

David, it took every ounce of courage

I could muster to walk out that door.

That's right.

Who is to say that amoebas

don't make noise?

The whole point of this acting exercise

is uninhibited body motion,

uninhibited speech, sound.

Open it up.

Open it up.

Michael over here is making

very, very good amoeba noises.

- Zachary, Nancy, what are you doing?

- Making baby amoebas.

You wouldn't know how.

I would prefer asexual reproduction,

if you don't mind. Thank you.

Is this a required class,

Amoebas 101?

David.

Professor Donna Martin.

Fancy seeing you here,

or anywhere.

Whoo!

Open it up.

Open it up.

Use your vocal capacity.

Did I forget something?

You promised you were going to

come to my play, David. Remember?

Why don't you just admit to me

that you hate experimental theater?

- No, that's not true.

- You do, David.

I was doing an experiment to

see if I could enjoy it without

- actually being in the theater.

- Actually being in the theater.

I'm sorry.

No foreign amoebas, please.

Better.

Are we working you

too hard, Bubba?

- All right, take five.

- I gotta go to the bathroom.

There's a lot I'd like to

get through this hour.

Let's make this only a

15-minute "take five. "

Good work. Very nice.

Good amoeba-ing.

Nice.

Very good.

Oh, good book?

That's nice.

You were the best, Bubba. So far.

- Ms. Martin?

- Is he your boyfriend?

He's an old flame,

an old high-school flame.

Look closely, girls. This is what

you want to avoid later in life.

I don't know, David.

The problem is my parents

were divorced when I was 10.

The only advice my mom gave was

"Don't live in the same city. "

What crappy advice.

I can't get my parents to move.

I didn't mean that they should move.

I meant that...

You know what my

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