Nothing Like The Holidays

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You have a safe flight, okay?

Hey, take care of

that daughter of yours.

Papi!

Papi!

Woman over P. A:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Chicago's O'Hare

International Airport.

Please check the overhead monitors

for flight arrival and departure times.

Please keep all personal items,

including luggage,

with you at all times.

Unattended luggage will be confiscated

by law enforcement officials.

May I have your attention please?

This is a gate change announcement.

- Jesse!

- Jesse! Jesse!

Oh, ho ho! Welcome back!

- Come on, man!

- Yeah, baby!

What's up?

You find any weapons of

mass destruction over there?

- You on Social Security yet, a**hole?

- Yeah.

- Oh, man.

- How you doing, man?

- So good to see you, brother.

- So good to see you.

- Man, it's been too long.

- I know. I know, man.

- I missed you.

- You girls want to stop the fappy sh*t?

- It's happy hour, man.

- What?

- It's 11:
00.

- Not in Amsterdam!

It's party time!

Jesse:
Grandpa, you

want to watch the road?

- Man:
Oh, look at that.

- Man #2:
Let me see, man.

- Oh, that's not bad.

- Man:
Not bad, bro.

- That gonna heal up real nice.

- Looks good, man.

- Man:
That's cool.

- Announcer:
Johnny's all deals.

- Oh! Oh oh! Oh!

- This is it.

This is the ad for the

store! Check it out.

- Check it out.

- Shh shh shh!

- Listen to this.

- Plasma screen TVs, at absolutely...

...rock bottom prices.

Woman:
Excuse me, Mr. Sexy Voice Man,

but why are you standing in

the middle of the store...

...in just your underwear?

- Man:
Who, me?

- Woman:
Mm-hmm. -

Man:
I'm just trying

- to give you 60".

- Oh!

That's so cheap! Yo yo yo, B,

you should see the honeys I've

got lined up for the next ad.

- Caliente.

- Oh, come on, Father Time.

You think that dye job in

your hair fools anybody?

Just 'cause your illegal

Mexican ass can't afford...

Old ass man.

I'm gonna tell you the

difference between me and you.

- What's that? You tell me.

- I'm legal.

You a wannabe legal.

Ouch. Yo, whoa whoa whoa.

Johnny, turn on Sacramento.

It's coming up pretty soon.

Johnny:
Wait. You want

your ma to kill us?

It'll be fine. Just turn on Sacramento

- when we get up there.

- Papo, what's the rush?

Your aunt's still pissed that we

were late to Mauricio's wedding.

Are you kidding me? You're

still harping on that?

The priest passed out from heat stroke!

Dude, everybody knows I need

- Otherwise it don't work.

- Road's coming up.

- Don't miss it.

- Let's hit the cuchi frito spot.

- Some bacaladitos maybe.

- Yeah, I'm hungry, bro.

- Johnny.

- Yo.

- Stop the car.

- Here?

- Yeah.

- What's up?

Are you crazy? It's

freaking cold out there.

I'm not gonna stop the car.

- Stop the car!

- I'm not getting out!

- It's cold!

- Johnny! Ozzy!

Come here, bro. What are you doing?

Oh, sh*t.

Welcome back, coz.

Welcome back.

Ozzy:
Welcome back to Humble Park, man.

You feel sick? You don't look sick.

Are you sure this medicine

is not gonna make me drowsy?

- Hi, Edy.

- I don't want to fall asleep

at my girl's office party.

You're gonna be the most

beautiful woman there.

Thank you, Papi. I'll see you later.

Okay.

- What?

- You know what, Don Juan.

If I didn't admire

her, she'd be insulted.

Please! Like you look at

Sister Maria here like that.

I wasn't always a nun.

Oh no.

Brother's even stealing Santa suits.

Why don't you sit on Santa's lap

and give me your wish list?

$1, one menthol.

Why don't you add 99 to that,

pay me back for the

Trinidad-Jones fight?

That fight was over a year ago.

I swear, I'm never betting

with you again, Spencer.

And why you bet on Trinidad, anyway?

I usually never bet when

two brothers are fighting.

Trinidad is Puerto Rican.

How many times do I

have to explain to you

Puerto Ricans ain't black?

Come on, you know damn well

if Trinidad wasn't black,

I'd never bet on him.

I always bet on the black man.

Lakers versus Celtics,

I always went Lakers.

Tiger versus the white

boy of the month...

I always go Tiger.

The only time I ever lost

was Apollo versus Rocky,

but I think that sh*t was fixed.

Whatever. Can I have my money?

If I prove to you that

Puerto Ricans are black,

then I don't owe you one thin dime.

- Edy:
Get out.

- Dad! Papi!

- Hey, Spence. Look at you.

- Hey, Mauricio.

- I like the black Santa scam.

- Hey, you know me.

Too bad Santa only comes once a year.

- Know what I mean?

- Got that right.

Dad. How's it going?

I couldn't just drive by

without paying tribute, you know?

Look at you.

How come he gets to flirt?

'Cause he's mine.

- Hi, Tina.

- Hi.

- Nice blouse.

- Thank you.

Anna gave it to me for

my birthday last year.

Whoa. Don't flash like that.

I'm a married man. Cover them up.

Just kidding.

- That blouse Tina was wearing?

- Yeah?

I gave it to your mom

two Christmases ago.

Maybe it was a little too Lieutenant

Uhura, "Star Trek" for her.

Come on, Sarah. Where's

your Christmas spirit?

Where's hers? She regifts everything.

Last year she gave me a

basket of toiletries with

with "Doubletree" and

"Boca" printed on it.

- Really?

- I still have the body lotion.

Oh, Sarah, come on. Hey,

do you know what would be

a great Christmas

present for my parents?

- TiVo?

- No no.

If we tell them we're

trying to have a baby.

- A baby?

- Yeah.

Are you high?

- We discussed this.

- No. No no no no no no no.

We're still in discussion about this.

What are we gonna say

to my mom when she's all,

"All my friends have grandchildren.

My mother had 10 grandchildren

when she was my age"?

We'll tell her to adopt an embryo

and have one herself.

- Merry Christmas.

- Feliz Navidad.

Ay, mi nio!

You look so handsome.

- Hello, Sarah.

- Hello.

You went to the bodega

before you came home first?

- Yeah, well...

- What difference does it make?

They're here now.

You're lucky to have ran

into him at the bodega.

He's a little hard to

get ahold of these days.

Mira, she's almost a Puerto Rican.

I'm sorry, can you say that more slowly

and just enunciate a

little more clearly?

Yeah, well, she saying "How are you?"

She says, "How are you?" How are you?

- Oh. Muy bien.

- There you go.

It looks like you've lost

a little bit of weight.

She said that you look great.

Oh. Thank you. I just started Pilates.

Ay, bendito. When am I

gonna have grandchildren?

My mother had 10 at my age.

All of my friends have grandchildren.

I'm going to be the only

Puerto Rican grandmother

who's gonna have to adopt grandchildren.

Anna, leave the children alone.

Do you want to drive

them back to New York?

Thanks, Dad.

Anybody else home yet?

Our little Hollywood movie star

is about to pull up

in her limo any minute.

Merry Christmas!

- Edy:
Oh, it's our little movie star!

- Hi, Dad.

- Stop stop stop.

- Mom, you're like paparazzi.

- Hi, Mom!

- Where's the limo driver?

He had another pickup at the airport.

Hi, Mami. How are you? Where's Jesse?

- Is he here yet?

- Johnny and Ozzy went to pick him up.

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