Nothing Like The Holidays Page #2

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Oh God, he'd be safer in Iraq.

Whoa!

Yo, Ozzy!

- My bad, man!

- Come on, bro.

You threw that like Marcia Brady.

Hey, I'm not the one who

wore diapers in Little League.

For your information, Mr. A**hole,

they were disposable underwear. okay?

- I had a bladder problem.

- Yeah, a lot of girls have that problem.

Johnny:
There was an epidemic going on.

There were thousands of

kids having to wear those.

- Epidemic.

- Can we get to the game?

Johnny:
What you think we're doing?

Talking like two old

ladies. Come on, man.

- You swing like one.

- Here comes the heat, baby.

Throw that like a man.

I ain't got all day.

- Oh! Home run!

- Johnny:
Oh!

I could've caught that.

Come on! Catch the

ball, you old ass man!

Oh!

- Come on, man!

- Johnny! Come on!

I threw it right to him.

He could've caught that.

Jesse:
Ozzy!

Yo! Come on, man!

Ozzy, what are you

doing? Throw the ball!

Yo! Freaking freezing out here!

Let's go, papo!

Ozzy!

What are you doing, man?

Give me the ball.

Ozzy. Chill, man.

Don't do nothing stupid.

I can't believe that

b*tch Alexis is out.

He killed my brother, man.

That punk-ass, he kills his brother

and he's hanging out

like nothing happened?

What kind of justice is that, Jesse?

- Jesse:
Come on.

- Come on, man.

"Come on" what, bro?

It's not even worth it.

- What are you trying to say?

- Johnny:
Not even worth it.

Got your name up on a billboard, Jesse,

like when Jordan came

back to the United Center.

Whole neighborhood gonna be

lining up, welcoming you back.

A Boricua war hero, pal.

Puerto Rico, whoa!

Puerto Rico, whoa!

Ay, Dios mio. Ay, bendito.

My baby. Mi nio.

Mi vida.

- Preciosos, you're home.

I can't believe it. - Hey, Ma.

What is it going to take

for you two to be on time?

- The hair. The hair.

- Anna:
Your hair.

- Come on.

- Are you okay?

Huh? I'm good. I'm good.

Thank God you never have to

go back to that place again.

I swear if I ever meet those

people that hurt you, baby,

- I'll kill them.

- Hey, Uncle Edy. How you doing?

Oh, you're smothering him.

Give the boy a chance to breathe.

Mauricio:
You look like

a Puerto Rican Gorbachev.

Hi.

- What's up, Roxanna?

- Hey.

- Yo, Mauricio.

- It's so good to see you.

You too. You look good.

Jesse:
The Penn game. Dad,

we're missing the Penn game.

Johnny:
Gracia, Mamita.

Hey, Ma, did Sarah tell you?

She was a big hit at her

office Christmas party.

- She made coquito from scratch.

- Anna:
You did?

- Can you believe that?

- I Googled the recipe.

Why didn't you call me

instead of this Google?

- It's a search engine.

- Ma.

I needed it quickly.

I thought it would be fun.

There's some Puerto Ricans

who work in the firm.

As what? Janitors? An

assistant lavaplatos?

- Ozzy:
Probably.

- Sarah:
Jose is an associate.

- An associate.

- How nice.

And I told them how we

celebrate the parranda,

where we sing the Christmas carols

and go house to house to

surprise the neighbors.

Wow, Mo, I didn't know your girl

was so down with the neighborhood.

I know. Sarah's a volunteer.

What do you have to

offer the world, Johnny?

What's your contribution besides

zero money down and debt into afterlife?

Oh!

I got him good with that afterlife jab.

Okay, enough enough. I

want to propose a toast.

Here's to having everybody home,

especially Jesse.

- All:
Salut.

- Roxanna:
To Jesse.

Jesse. L'Chaim.

Ozzy:
What? What he say?

Jesse, I want to ask you:

Did you see some of that messed up

"Black Hawk Down" type

of sh*t over there?

Did that really happen that way?

I don't know, man. I...

Edy:
He doesn't want to talk about that.

- You don't wanna talk about that.

- It's okay.

You talk when you're ready.

I'm gonna go check the rice.

So, Tio Edy, when are you

gonna come down to the store

so I can set you up with a

beautiful plasma flat-screen TV?

I don't need one of those.

This TV is perfectly fine.

- Oh.

- That always works.

Johnny:
You could watch

the Cubs in high definition.

So I could have a crystal clear image

of seeing them getting

their asses kicked?

No no, gracia.

- So, Roxanna, mi amor.

- Mmm?

So tell us what's going on in Hollywood.

Yeah, who's gay now?

You, you stupid ass.

The gay gene skipped

my side of the family.

Yeah, right. Like Uncle Roy

who still has a roommate at 60.

- That's right, a "roommate. "

- Life partner, man.

Enough. You hear back from that TV show?

Dad, they haven't decided

yet. But they said I brought

an organic vulnerability to the

character that plays as cultural...

You'd definitely play a much more

organic Mexican than Oz over here.

- Roxanna:
Don't start.

- What are you talking about?

- What? Start what?

- You know.

- What do I know?

- You almost went there. Forget it.

- How'd I almost go there?

- Nothing, forget it.

- Say the line.

- You're supposed to be on my side.

- Say the line. Say the line.

- No.

- Say the line.

- Do the line.

Sorry. Onto bigger and better things.

Come on, baby. It's not

like a million people

haven't already seen you

in that sexy peasant blouse,

batting your beautiful

brown eyes for Seor Taco.

You know what? I've got the bootleg too.

All right, I'll say the line.

Johnny:
No no, it's more like...

Roxanna:
Oh, stop.

It's... it's...

Jesse:
No no no no no.

You'd better watch it.

You'd better watch it.

A**holes.

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

So tell me, this new

show you're up for...

It's a midseason replacement

and it's coming on after

"Desperate Housewives,"

- which is big.

- Sarah:
Oh wow.

- Are you gonna be able to meet them?

- I might, actually.

What about you, Sarah? How's work?

- Yeah, what's going on on Wall Street?

- Roxanna:
Yeah.

Yeah, how are you guys

gonna have enough time

to make some kind of sorta-Ricans?

No, we are. Not right away,

We've got plenty of

time. What's the rush?

Why are you throwing me with

the baby Latin curve here?

By now you guys should be up to four,

five, six, maybe seven, eight kids.

- Mauricio:
Come on.

- Yo, does your plumbing work?

My pipes flow just fine. You want to

check, Johnny? Want to take a gander?

Why you getting so macho about yourself?

We're all here, brother.

You can talk to us.

If I needed somebody to talk to,

- you'd be the last person I would go to.

- Right.

I'm gonna ask Anna if she

needs any help in the kitchen.

- Roxanna:
That's great.

- What did I do?

You know why you're single?

'Cause every time you open your mouth

it's like a woman repellant.

The women go whoosh! Just saying.

I'm just saying. Look, I understand.

It's gotta be hard, especially for two

obviously successful

people like yourselves.

I didn't know that's

what you were going for.

- Yeah.

- Well, thank you. I love you.

You know, this is as good as any time.

I wanted to tell all of you

that they're talking

partnership at the law firm.

- No.

- And I've been groomed by the COO,

so it's an almost

guaranteed slot in there.

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