Now You Know Page #4

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They already know what each other wants.

There's no games.

Guys all know what other guys want... sex.

That's it. No romance,

no long strolls on the beach.

Just straight-up nasty sex.

You guys follow this?

Allow me...

macho man.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Fruitcake.

I can't believe I left a gay guy

in charge of the bachelor party.

I am not gay!

I just know what works and what doesn't.

And men dating men works.

- That was nice.

- You know...

You know, I can't believe this doesn't

make sense to you guys. Think about it.

There'd be no more arguing

about what to watch on TV.

You could wear each other's clothes.

You wouldn't have to buy that fat-free sh*t

at the supermarket. It just works, man.

- Are you done?

- There'd be no more laboring

over fancy pick-up lines.

It's just, "Hi. I'm Biscuit.

Wanna f***?"

Will you... For Christ sakes, man!

Once you guys come out of the closet,

it's gay this and gay that.

Where the hell is Jeremy?

At least he's getting married.

- I don't have to worry about him

turning gay on me.

- Aha!

- I'm glad you brought up getting married.

- Oh.

I believe weddings are the only reason

girls and guys are together.

Wedding's a strictly female thing. Guys could give

a sh*t about a wedding or if they ever get married.

That's why girls marry guys...

so they can be the center of attention.

If girls were to marry girls, they'd have to share

the spotlight. And they're not about to do that.

So, they marry guys. Do you think Jeremy

knows anything about his wedding?

No. He could care less, I'll bet.

- Can I buy you two drunks a beer?

- [Gil] Hey.!

- [Biscuit] Hey, man.

- You guys haven't left these stools

since I left you last, huh?

- Yeah, we like it here.

- What's going on?

You just missed it.

Biscuit just came out of the closet.

- Really? Did you pay Al?

- I had to.

I am not gay!

- Jeremy, what color are

the bridesmaid dresses?

- I don't know.

- See, he could give a sh*t.

- Uh-huh.

Jeremy, how you doin'?

You're gettin' ready for the big day?

- How are you? You look good.

- How 'bout I buy you a drink on the house?

- It's on me.

- I'll take a beer.

You got it.

And how 'bout for the lady?

A spritzer? Glass of wine?

Don't rush me.

- You done with work today?

- [Gil] Uh, yeah. I think we'll call it a day.

- [Al] Here you go.

- Don't stop on my account.

We have plenty of time for a bachelor party.

No, we're not stopping on your account.

We're stopping on his.

He ran over a dog this morning.

Again?

- This time it was an accident.

- [Scoffs]

Uh-huh.

So, what's this wedding

gonna be like?

What do you mean?

What do you think it's gonna be like, jackass?

I don't know.

I've never been to a wedding before.

- You've never been to a wedding?

- Hasn't your sister married?

- Yeah, but I only saw pictures.

- You didn't go to your own sister's wedding?

No. My folks said I wouldn't like it.

They said there'd be, like, a lot of, um, like,

dancing and, like, singing in Italian.

That's not a wedding.

That's an opera.

You're not even Italian anyway.

I thought it sounded kind of strange too.

Anyway, I think we should

talk about the wedding.

I know you guys tried to tell me

it was a mistake.

[Gil] Oh. I knew this was gonna

come up sooner or later.

Jer, Biscuit and I

were just being selfish.

You know, we wanted you

to stay one of the guys.

Since you and Kerri went away

to school together...

and stuck it out

and made a life for yourselves...

I mean, we couldn't be happier for you.

Kerri is a beautiful, gorgeous girl...

and quite frankly,

I'm a little jealous.

Me too!

Et tu, Biscuit?

I mean, Kerri's a great catch.

She's smart, she's funny...

she's beautiful.

What more could a man ask for?

[Sighs]

I know we should have said this

to you sooner, but you guys live in Vegas.

- It's not like we see you a lot.

- I can't believe you guys want me to get married.

Yeah, of course we do, man.

Kerri and I broke up.

The wedding's off.

Really?

Yeah, really.

We're not getting married.

- That's f***in' great!

- No man should ever get married!

- Really? This... It's off?

- Yeah, it's off.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a stay of execution.

- Thank you, Governor. Close call.

- You guys are happy about this?

- Of course we're happy.

I wouldn't wish marriage

on my worst enemy.

What about all that "you're lucky" stuff

and "I'm jealous" sh*t?

Dude, it almost killed me

to say that sh*t to you.

But we thought this is what you wanted,

so we should encourage you.

- Biscuit and I practiced all day yesterday.

- We were pretty good, huh?

Yeah.

- So why'd you dump her?

- Because she was smothering the sh*t out of him.

[Biscuit] Either that, or you hooked up

with one of them Vegas showgirls, right?

- Ooh, I forgot about the showgirls.

- [Chuckles]

Actually, she sort of

called off the wedding.

- She called it off? Why?

- Because she found someone new, a**hole.

- Who's better than Jeremy? Come on.

- I don't know.

Somebody with a better future,

more money, better looks.

- Bigger dick.

- Ooh.

Hey, come on!

I got a big dick.

- Uh-huh.

- So why'd she do it then?

I don't know.

She said she just wasn't happy.

[Together]

Small dick.

Hey, will you guys shut up, please?

Can we drop it?

All right, look. We're sorry. Who cares why

she did it? Let's just be happy she did.

- Yeah.

- You, uh, need another beer, little man?

[Chuckles]

Are you sure?

Marty, please, of course I'm sure.

Who have I been spilling my guts to

all week long anyway?

Me, but I was sure that when I got you home, you'd

tell me all about your new man with the big prick.

Sorry to disappoint you, but this certainly

isn't about anybody with a big prick.

That tells us a little bit about Jeremy, and that

alone is grounds for calling off the wedding.

Oh, God, I wish it was that easy.

Then at least people would understand.

Kerri, people do understand.

They're just in shock.

Even I was a little surprised

when you called off the wedding.

When you first told me about it,

I just thought you had cold feet.

Yeah, I thought so too.

That's why it went on for so long.

[Knocking]

Come in.

[Boy]

Hey, Marty.

Mom wants to know if you can eat over.

Oh, thanks, stud, but I don't think so.

I haven't been feeling so good lately.

Shut up. Tell Mom she will.

Cliff.

Make sure I'm sitting next to you.

Absolutely.

[Door Closes]

What do you think would happen if I just

grabbed his little pecker underneath the table?

He would probably combust.

Yeah.

So, anyway, I just...

don't see anything wrong

with not wanting to marry a guy...

who's not in love with me anymore.

I want somebody who after 50 years

still looks at me like he's lucky to have me.

God, Marty, I thought you out of all people

in the world would understand that.

But it sounds like you think

I made a mistake too.

I don't think you made a mistake.

I'm just saying that sometimes...

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