Nuts in May

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(SEAGULLS CAWING)

(BANJO PLAYING)

CANDICE MARIE:
# I want to get away,

she said, I want to get away

KEITH:
# I'll take you on a trip,

he said

KEITH:
# We'll have a holiday

BOTH:
# We'll be with Mother Nature

and laugh and sing and play

# I want to get away, she said,

I want to get away

CANDICE MARIE:

# I wonder where we'll go, she said

# I wonder where we'll go

KEITH:
# I'll look around the world,

he said, I'll search both high and low

BOTH:
# The prettiest is Dorset,

it has so many charms

# We'll walk across the hills and dales

and look at all the farms #

CANDICE MARIE:

You can't sing that, Keith.

KEITH:
Why not?

CANDICE MARIE:
It doesn't sound right.

Better to sing...

# We'll walk across the hills and dales

linking each other's arms #

KEITH:
Well, that doesn't scan.

-Hello, good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

My name's Mr Pratt.

I phoned Mr Beale on the 21 st of March.

-Shall I park over there?

-Yes, do.

Thank you.

Now then, Candice Marie,

you stay here and I'll go across

and check in at the office.

-I won't be long.

-I'll come across with you, Keith.

Now you stay here and mind the things.

-Don't touch the ignition key.

-I want to come with you, Keith.

I'd prefer it if you stayed there.

Now, I won't be long.

-Nice day.

-MISS BEALE:
Yes, isn't it?

Yes, we stopped off at Winchester,

had a look at the cathedral and...

Did my father tell you about

paying in advance?

-No, he didn't mention that.

-You have to pay in advance.

-Two adults?

-Yes.

-One car?

-That's right.

-One tent.

-Yes.

-And you're staying for how many nights?

-Ten nights.

That'll be 1 0.

Oh. Er...

1 0, camping.

Right. Now, there's 1 0 exactly.

Now I have to sign here, do I?

-Yes, I'll give you a receipt.

-Thank you.

-What's the date?

-It's the 21 st.

BOTH:
Twenty-first.

-And your name is...

-Mr Pratt. K Pratt.

Pratt.

We have a daily delivery of eggs,

milk and bread

if you'd like to place an order.

-Are the, uh, eggs free range?

-No.

-And the milk is pasteurised?

-Yes.

Yes, well, we have our own bread

and we won't be needing any deliveries,

thank you.

Croydon, Surrey.

Lavatories, sinks,

wash-hand basins, towels

and somewhere to dry your clothes.

-Hello.

-Hello.

This is my wife, Mrs Pratt.

How do you do?

Now I'll show you the toilet block.

Gents on the right, ladies on the left.

-Hello.

-Hello.

And hot and cold water.

And we can do our washing up

down there, can we?

No, there's taps all over the campsite.

I see.

And can we pitch our tent

anywhere we like?

Yes, providing you keep your car

to the gravel.

Enjoy your stay.

Make sure the colours are right.

Red to red.

Green to green.

KEITH:
All right,

now pass green in to me.

-Green.

-Yes.

Stage seven. Flysheet.

That's it, over the top.

Now, locate the eyelet, Candice Marie.

-Isn't it lovely, Keith?

-Yes.

Right, what's next?

Now, stage eight, you put the kettle on

and I'll peg out the flysheet.

Right.

That looks just like a watch, Keith.

Yes, different function, of course,

simply tells you how far you've walked.

There we are, just as I told you.

We have our own little nest here.

Hmm.

Do you want to hear my new poem, Keith?

Yes, I'd love to.

''A gentle flower that grows in spring

''That feels the sun upon its face

''It's free to smile and laugh and grin

''It knows no guilt or hate or sin

''It has no battles it must win

''Oh, how I love and envy him.''

Oh, it's quite simple.

It works on the same principle

as an ordinary thermometer,

it contains mercury.

The only difference being that

there are two sets of readings,

one for the maximum temperature

and one for the minimum temperature.

What's that, Keith?

It's a little magnet,

one uses it to reset the metal indices.

Hmm.

The important thing, of course,

is to maintain a dietary balance.

Mmm. We're having our protein

in the beans, aren't we?

That's right, body-building proteins.

We had cheese at lunchtime

and we're having

haricot beans for our evening meal.

-Are we having salad for lunch?

-That's right.

What's the treat?

-Guess.

-Raw mushrooms?

-That's right.

-Mmm, my favourite.

-And onion and nut roast for supper?

-Boiled jacket potatoes.

BOTH:
Vitamin C in their skins.

Yogurt to follow and cocoa at bedtime.

-I'm very happy, Keith.

-Yes, so am I.

-Good night.

-Good night.

Kiss Prudence.

KEITH:
Good night.

-Look at that, Corfe Castle!

-Mmm.

The castle was besieged by Cromwell

and his treacherous forces.

-Where are the dungeons, Keith?

-What?

-Where are the dungeons?

-Why do you keep on about the dungeons?

'Cause I want to know where they are.

You seem to have a morbid interest

in where the dungeons are.

I don't, Keith. I want to know

where they are, that's all.

-Come along.

-I wish you'd stop rushing, Keith.

Look at that view, look at that!

That's wonderful.

-What's that, Keith?

-What?

That.

Oh, that's number four.

Ah, there's number 1 1 .

Now, that's the king's tower.

-Wish I had the guidebook, Keith.

-But why?

Well, how am I supposed to know

what all these numbers are?

Well, I'm telling you, aren't I?

Now, there's number eight over there.

KEITH:
This is the queen's tower.

Keith!

-Yes.

-Isn't it lovely?

Can you imagine what it must have

been like hundreds of years ago?

KEITH:
Yes.

All the sort of kings and queens

walking about in all their fineries.

Yes.

And eating great bowls of fruit

and luscious grapes

and drinking wine out of golden goblets.

Must have been lovely.

KEITH:
Look at this view.

Brownsea Island, Round Island,

the Lakeland of Dorset.

Pity about the power station

in the background, never mind.

There are the heaths, Newton Heath,

Rempstone Heath, Wych Heath,

disused railway line going up

to Wareham, and the great nimbocumulus

rising above it all

like great puffs of cotton wool.

-Look at all this rubbish, Keith.

-What?

-Isn't it awful? Look at those tin cans.

-Yes.

Just imagine, Keith, if all the people

who lived here could come back

and see all these crisp bags

and sweet papers.

-Yes.

-They'd be horrified, wouldn't they?

They'd find it difficult to comprehend

all the changes that have

taken place in the world.

-Do you think they do come back, Keith?

-What?

-Their ghosts.

-No.

There's a car going up the B3351 .

CANDICE MARIE:
Lovely, aren't they?

KEITH:
Yes. Very nice.

Go on ahead, get up, go.

(HUMMING)

Good morning.

-Morning.

-KEITH:
I wonder if you could help me.

I'm trying to get hold

of some untreated milk.

-Oh, yeah?

-Do you have any?

About 400 gallons.

Well, could you sell me some?

-No chance.

-Oh, why not?

-It's illegal, isn't it?

-KEITH:
Sorry?

It's illegal.

Against the law, not allowed.

Well, we can buy untreated milk

in our health shop at home.

Ah, yeah, well that would be

because it'd be from an accredited herd.

They've got a licence, I haven't.

What's wrong with your herd?

Nothing's wrong with my herd,

or with the milk, drink it myself.

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