Nymphomaniac: Vol. I Page #5

then he would have lost.

As I didn't recall anyone

having defined my work duties,

I decided to clean up in order

to smooth the waters.

Good morning, sir.

- Any calls?

- No, sir.

- What have you done?

- Oh. I cleaned up.

You cleaned up.

- It was quite messy, and--

- Liz?

- Yes, sir?

- She cleaned up.

I know, I... I didn't know, sir.

- I was away from my desk.

- Are you completely mad?

What is the tea

and pastry doing here?

I thought that's

what you wanted for--

You thought?

You're not supposed to think.

I don't pay you to think, do I?

This is a do-over.

- A do-over...

- Right.

Pick it up. Take it outside.

And do it again.

One moment.

Come in.

Would now be a good time

for some tea and cake?

Sure, why not?

Where the f***'s my cake fork?

- Cake fork?

- Right.

Well, I would have got you one,

but it just... feels inappropriate.

Unmanly.

Feminine.

Well, on the other hand,

you must say that a cake fork

is a rather practical tool.

It's like a cross between

a knife and a fork.

The point is that you're

supposed to be able

to hold the cake dish

with one hand

and then cut it with the other.

And then eat it with the fork.

It's not feminine,

it's at least bourgeois.

It's said that the Bolsheviks,

during their rampage

through Russia,

to separate the men from the boys,

or rather the bourgeoisie

from the proletariat,

they brought a boy,

and before burning down a house

they sent him in to make sure

they had cake forks.

That's not true.

I don't have the story first-hand.

Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I was wondering

if you could help me.

It's suddenly gone very dirty.

See, yes?

See, you've got your dirty

fingers on there.

Maybe we should

wash your hands.

Yeah, better.

Mm-hmm.

- You must be very talented.

- Yeah, sure.

Hmm.

You see, here's got a stain.

If you'd asked

Jerome, he would have said

that I was the one

who'd declared war.

Many times he'd take me into town

just so I could hold his coat.

- There.

- Where?

There, behind the green car.

- It's not big enough.

- It is, there's plenty of space.

I saw it, it's not enough space.

I'm telling you,

there's plenty of space.

No. It's too small a space

for such a long car.

Can I try?

- Can you try?

- I'm a wizard at this.

I just tried, it's not enough space, Joe.

You just saw me do it.

It's not enough space, okay?

- Can I try?

- F***. You want to try?

Why not?

Stupid.

It was about

this time that a dramatic change

happened inside of me.

I could suddenly see a kind

of order in the mess.

Are you just standing here looking?

Yeah. I've begun to like his mess.

How do you mean?

Well, these are all things

placed by Jerome.

I mean, by Jerome's hands.

Sounds to me like you would like

to be handled by Mr. Jerome.

Darling, you're in love with him.

It was all very, very wrong.

I wanted to be one of Jerome's things.

I wanted to be picked up

and put down, again and again.

I wanted to be

treated by his hands

according to some

sophisticated principle

that I didn't understand.

His strong hands?

Yes, but now it was no longer

just about his hands.

It's as if everything

about him was different,

which, of course, it wasn't

and I knew that in my head.

And I scolded myself

for seeing him in this new light.

- Love is blind.

- No, no, no, it's worse.

Love distorts things.

Or even worse...

love is something

you've never asked for.

The erotic was something I asked for,

or even demanded of men.

But this idiotic love...

I felt humiliated by it,

and all the dishonesty that follows.

The erotic is about saying yes.

Love appeals to

the lowest instincts,

wrapped up in lies.

How do you say "yes"

when you mean "no," and vice versa.

I'm ashamed of what I became.

But it was beyond my control.

- You know what you're doing now?

- No, what am I doing?

You're defending your personality.

I thought the point was to reveal it.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Thank you meaning, "That's all."

You can go now.

Goodbye, Joe.

At this time,

I took up walking again.

You walked in the forest?

Yes, I walked in the forest.

The forest of my childhood.

I took the same walk

again and again.

Right turn after the gatehouse,

and right again by the ash tree,

which has the most beautiful leaves

in the forest,

and further on,

past a lady with her poodle,

and the old man on the bench.

I couldn't free myself

of the image of Jerome

and his careless elegance.

And during this time,

when I was with other men,

I forbade them to touch

my body with their hands.

And soon, I stopped

having sex altogether.

I tried to meet him all the time.

I found out where he lived,

but of course,

never dared ring his doorbell.

I even started humiliating

myself on purpose

in order for him to notice me.

You broke a taillight.

I did.

I thought you were such

a wizard at parking.

So did I.

It'll be deducted from your salary.

It's a long car.

I worked for

a long time on a letter

in which I told him about

my feelings for him,

but couldn't bring myself

to hand it over.

- Bye.

- Bye. Bye.

A month would pass

before I had built up

enough courage to deliver it.

Well, I've written him

a letter after all.

Do you think that the letter

is a bad idea?

No, I think it's

the right thing to do.

I'm just... I think maybe

you should wait until Friday.

Why?

He's always in a good mood

on Fridays.

Okay.

I'm sorry, isn't this...

Jerome's office?

I'm happy to say that this

never has been

and never will be Jerome's office.

My nephew has been standing in for me

while I've been unwell.

What's that? A letter for him?

Yes.

Give it to me

and I'll make sure he gets it.

Can't promise when that might be

because he's long gone.

How the young finance

their irrepressible desire

for travel is a mystery to me.

- So he's gone?

- Deserted us, yes.

Raving about a trip around the world,

- and married, and all.

- Married?

Marriage, yes.

Flown the coop with my secretary.

Liz.

And your job?

Well, it turned out

that Jerome's uncle

demanded a bit more knowledge

about the business, so...

I see.

Well, as for evidence of you

being a bad human being,

there wasn't much to go on

in this chapter.

Yes, as I said.

At least superficially.

- I suppose you were jealous.

- No, I wasn't jealous.

I didn't know that feeling.

It's almost superhuman

not to feel jealousy.

Well, that was the end of love, then?

Well, maybe not quite as simple.

But more about that later,

as they say in the novels.

And Jerome just disappeared?

Yes. Though I'd tried to keep him

in my own way, mentally,

as I masturbated on the train

amongst other people.

You masturbated on the train,

on the seat?

- Yes, of course.

- And that's possible?

Easily.

You just put your coat in your lap.

It can be done silently

without expression.

The only thing

that could give me away

and mostly to women,

was my open mouth when I came.

I did a jigsaw puzzle.

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