Obvious Child

I used to hide

what my vagina did to my underpants.

And, by the way, what all vagina's

do to all underpants, okay?

There is no woman who ends her day

with, like, a clean pair of underpants

that look like they've ever

even come from a store, okay?

They look like little bags

that have fallen face down

in, like, a tub of cream cheese,

and then, like,

commando-crawled their way out.

And then, like, carabinered up,

like, into a crotch.

Like, they're not items

that are for anyone to see.

But now, I'm just like, "Whatever."

You know, I have a human vagina.

Okay, who here just saw my face

and thought that they were

at a bagel store in a synagogue?

Who thought that?

Who stared at my face

and thought that I'm the product of

if a menorah f***ed Natalie Imbruglia?

But the menorah, like, had me.

You know what I mean?

You know, like when two lesbians

have a baby,

and everyone's like, "They did it!"

And they're like,

"But it's really Karen's."

"it's gonna be husky."

You guys are like,

"You're a horrible woman."

But let me tell you, I agree. I agree.

I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, he's cool.

He's got a, you know, working dick.

Yeah, he's a human male.

I'll put it that way.

But I'm still honking down on that D

when I need to.

Literally, only when I need to.

Like, it's not that I don't like doing it.

It's just that, after a while,

it just becomes a step towards,

like, getting rhythmically banged out

until your worries can go away,

and you can pass out for eight hours.

That's sort of where we're at.

Functional. Functional, you know.

We've worked out all the kinks.

Man, I think I just heard

his heart stop beating.

When we first started dating,

my butthole was so scared,

you know, that it might, like,

lose the chance at romance,

that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down,"

and it was like...

But then when he would, like,

leave my apartment, I would be like,

"Good night,"

and pretend to be so confident

in everything that just happened.

Even though I was like,

"Was that cool when I did that?

Was that cool when I did that?"

Then I would just masturbate to my worries

until he came back.

I would just shut the door and, like, stand

there for a minute and then just be like...

"No, no, no. Don't you be your old self."

And then it would be like,

"But it feels so good. I gotta..."

That's my butthole's voice.

"I gotta be me!"

"I gotta be me!"

And then it would just be like...

That's me walking up my stairs.

Anyone need a barf bag?

- Hey.

- Hi, sweetie.

- How's it going?

- Good.

Am I having a stroke,

or does this soap smell like popcorn?

- You're not having a stroke.

- Good.

It just smells like your hand, you know.

Smells normal.

A couple of other people

are going to another bar,

and I know that

you don't like leaving the radius,

but I really wanna go and have, like,

one, two, one million more drinks.

Yeah, I don't think I can go.

Okay. Do you wanna just go home,

and we can finish that documentary about...

Things have been kind of f***ed up

between us lately, you know?

And then you go,

and you talk about it up there.

It's just a very weird feeling for me.

Are you still mad at me about last night?

- No.

- 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well,

because I ate street meat

from the cart at work.

And also, you just said you didn't do

the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not...

I've been sleeping with Kate.

What?

You know, we can't lie to you anymore.

You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No.

I wanted to tell you sooner.

But you're here all the time.

Your schedule is all over the place.

We never talk or anything!

I'm at your house every other night.

Why are you... Stop looking at your phone

while you're dumping me!

Is she calling you? Is she asking you,

"Have you dumped her yet?"

No.

- Or are you just such a dick...

- Sorry.

...that you're looking at your phone

while you're dumping me?

I just don't know where to look.

You don't know where to look?

Well, this is probably a good area.

Hi, Ryan.

I don't know if you're getting my messages,

but I really need to talk.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...

I don't care about the beep!

I am also sorry that

you cannot get to the phone!

Kate has HPV.

The kind of HPV

where you get warts on your stuff

and ovarian cancer.

There's a lot of other stuff I could say,

but I'm a lady.

Yeah, and then she dies of cancer,

and you're stuck with the bill, so...

I just wanted to apologize for the voice-mail

that I just left on your voice-mail.

And I also wanted to say, "Psych!"

Have a great life!

I'll be here with my normal HPV

that one in four nice women have.

And there will not be an apology message

for this apology message. Goodbye.

- You okay?

- Nellie!

You look like a lez

who just got back from Birthright.

Move.

These clogs are yours.

Ryan always hated my clogs.

Well, I guess

that doesn't matter anymore, huh?

You got my texts?

I did do. I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

Okay.

You're in shock.

We don't have to talk about it.

I always thought that

Ryan was attracted to Kate,

but then I just told myself

I was being insecure and jealous.

And now, all my worst fears have come true.

That's not what happened.

What happened is he's a piece of sh*t,

and she's a little b*tch.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

Come on up here.

- You know I'd take a bullet for you, right?

- I know.

- Right into my heart.

- I know.

- Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.

- Okay.

You gonna be okay?

Do you want me to sleep in here with you?

I can't do that to you, because

I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.

Okay.

That sounds too cozy for me.

- All right, I love you.

- I love you.

- Donna.

- Sh*t, Gene.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

No, I'm sorry.

I haven't been sleeping very well.

Listen, Donna,

there's something that

I need to talk to you about.

No, no, no. I already called the plumber.

We're just...

We're all gonna have

to use the bathroom on Sixth

- for, like, a few days.

- It's not that. It's...

Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.

The landlord's kicking us out.

We have six weeks.

What?

They're closing the store.

That's crazy! That's disgusting!

This place is like a New York institution!

You've been here five years.

I've been here for 30.

Sometimes we just have to let go

of the things we love.

That's really easy for you to say,

'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,

and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles

and just, like, chill out all day.

Hey, that sounds pretty nice.

I think I will do that.

Listen, change is good, Donna.

Man, that's, like, the rudest thing

you've ever said to me.

You know, that Ryan,

he was not a gentleman.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now,

and I'm gonna tell him that you said that.

You're not gonna waste

one valuable moment

of your young precious life

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