Obvious Child Page #2

mourning that boy.

I'm a mess.

I can't even be in public

without bursting into tears.

And I think I've cried on every train line.

Oh, baby.

You know, when your mom and I split up,

I thought my life was over.

You know what saved me?

A long walk with your Uncle Jim.

We walked, we talked,

and we talked about life, and spirituality,

and identity and racism.

And by the time the sun came up,

- we had the premise for our first TV show.

- "We had the premise for our first TV show."

We did.

- That smells good.

- Pasghetti.

- Your favorite sauce, extra honey.

- Extra honey.

I can eat this.

You know, creative energy sometimes

comes from the lowest point in your life.

But, Dad, you had a partner

to do all of that with.

I'm just up there alone by myself

just beating myself up.

Well, negativity will either be

your best friend or your worst enemy.

How do you want to approach your fears?

Tylenol PM.

No. Living.

Living is the best revenge.

So eat up, and then when we're finished,

you're gonna go visit your mom.

She's worried about you.

You guys need to know

there are some children out there

who don't talk to their parents for months.

- Like, even on the telephone.

- Really? Really?

Not my child.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

You're an aberration.

You're all wrong.

You're the weird one.

You're so pretty.

Now just hold up, just for a second.

- Are you proud of me?

- I'm very proud of you.

You know, an ex-student of mine

started a temp agency.

They specialize in placing people

in the entertainment world.

Pass the duck sauce.

You're about to lose your income.

You don't seem the least bit concerned.

I'm terrified, Mom.

Believe me, I very much am.

But I'm not going to work

for one of your business school students.

You're almost 30 years old.

You still don't know how to do your taxes.

I'm a couple of years away from 30,

and nobody knows how to do their taxes.

Have you spoken to your agent

about booking any commercial work?

You know, I haven't, because recently,

she put her entire body into her oven.

You're never serious.

I will use TurboTax this year, okay?

Hand me the plate.

Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but

I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.

I know you're going through

some pain right now,

but you're always gonna be

going through something.

I haven't borrowed money from you

in months.

And I just did that commercial

for the organic douche,

which is gonna be a real boon to my image.

Well, I'm glad you did the douche job.

The douche paid well.

Definitely, stop saying "douche."

There are other things in your life you could

afford to be a little more selective about.

Your next beau, for example.

I'll never forget that brunch

when he told us his SAT scores.

Mom, really, a lot of people

aren't good test-takers.

You were.

And now you waste that 780 verbal

on telling jokes

about having diarrhea in your pants.

F*** it.

I'll take three more sips,

and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go.

I'll take two more sips, actually.

And if the lady in the tan jacket

crosses the street on the second sip,

then that means that I should go home.

Motherf***er.

What are you doing? What am I doing?

Just go home to your house.

F***!

They have a f***ing dog.

What were you doing?

Just out doing some light stalking.

No!

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.

How did I not know?

Those two are sociopaths.

This is my fault.

I never should have talked about

our relationship in my act.

No, f*** that noise.

You know what is so great about you?

I'm good at folding the laundry?

No, sweetie,

you're terrible at folding the laundry.

What is so great about you is that

you are unapologetically yourself

on that stage every time,

and that's why people love you.

Listen, I'm not gonna let

that mouth-breather

and f***ing bag of bones bring you down.

- She's actually my target weight.

- That is gross.

I guess comedy is supposed to be honest.

So let me just tell you a little bit about me.

As they say,

I like my men the way I like my coffee.

Disgusting,

like, very weak and bitter,

and cold, not sweet at all.

Very gritty on the bottom as well.

If you know coffee like that,

I'm just like, "What is your number?"

And now that we're all picturing

a very filthy bottom,

I think it's time to bring one to the stage.

And she's my best friend in the entire world.

I think you guys are gonna love her

just as much as I do.

Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern!

Yeah!

Here we go.

- Everything cool?

- No.

I love that guy.

Okay. I was in the bathroom

'cause that is all that I have left.

Does it count as exercise

if you are just squeezing your body

all the time super-hard, super-tight,

'cause you're just crying so hard?

Does that make sense to any of you?

That was a rhetorical question.

I should probably turn around, right?

No sh*t!

Okay. All right.

"No sh*t" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude.

In case you can't tell

from my deep, deep ridges on my face,

I was recently dumped up with

by a human male who is still alive.

So, good for him.

I feel like when someone does

something bad, they should just die.

But instead, we die a slow death

and watch their happiness bloom.

Doctor's orders.

My very nice close friend

who's such a nice person

decided to f*** my boyfriend.

I would love to just murder-suicide them.

A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank.

I would never have survived the Holocaust.

That's for sure.

If you were cool, this could be art.

Or if I were cool.

Is this not working for you?

Do you want your money back?

'Cause the show is free.

I want my life back,

but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined.

So that is a cost I have incurred.

I'll share more. I'll share more.

You guys seem to be f***ing loving it.

Full-blown affair, you know?

Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway?

You know what I mean?

It's, like, "Cool move."

This kind of thing makes you think

I'm pretty good at f***ing, right?

It's 'cause she's one of

those f***ing girls with a thread count.

This place is a f***ing shithole.

So I'm really glad to be on your roster.

She's just going up and down

on his dick so slowly

so that he knows exactly

how blonde her p*ssy is.

Then I just come in,

and I murder-Sui everything,

and then she gets stains on her sheets.

But anyhow...

- That was the worst.

- Lt wasn't that bad.

Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible.

But it wasn't the worst comedy

I've ever seen.

That was not comedy.

That was not even a performance.

That was not even performance art.

I think a lot of people learned

a lot about the Holocaust tonight.

You know what the saddest thing

about this whole terrible story is?

It's that not only did Kate f*** my boyfriend

and ruin that area of my life,

but now I can't even do standup,

which was the one thing about me

that made me better than her.

I hate how much you're focusing

on Kate in all of this.

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