Obvious Child Page #3

If you're about to defend her right now,

I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.

All I'm saying is, like,

she didn't trick Ryan into f***ing her.

He's a f***ing a**hole.

Okay. Well, this experience

has been so cool for me.

But I have to go home,

and put on my sweatpants,

and try and hold my breath until I die.

No! You have to stay here and drink with me.

We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying.

Hi. Can I get two Jacks and Cokes, please?

You're really lasering into me

with your peepy missiles there.

What?

I said that you were lasering into me

with your peepy missiles.

Are my eyes my peepy missiles?

I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

Both those drinks for you?

Are both those faces yours?

No, I crashed and burned this conversation.

No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on.

No, it's okay.

Man, slip-ons?

What's wrong with slip-ons?

It's the winter!

These are an all-purpose shoe.

For all purposes inside of your frat house

where everyone's going ping-pong,

and throwing quarters at each other's butts,

and throwing their house out

at the end of the year.

Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say,

"Go to Williamsburg."

"Welcome to Brooklyn where

they judge you by your shoes." it's great.

This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia?

My God! I've been in the wrong

Williamsburg for this whole time, man.

Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia,

but this is not it.

I have.

- You have?

- Yeah.

I went to Virginia on a class trip

with my science teacher,

because I'm a city kid, so they wanted

to take us to go see, like, the country.

And she knew where

this horse had died in a field.

She wanted to dig it up

so that we could see its skeleton.

But when we dug it up,

it hadn't even decomposed at all,

'cause that takes, like, a very long time.

And, you know, it had worms on its face.

That teacher should be put away.

That's awful.

- We murdered her that day in that field.

- Stop, it's...

That's the only conclusion.

That's the only thing that could happen.

No, but... You know, she was like...

And all the children ran away.

But I just stayed, and I looked

at its sleeping face, you know.

- That's a lot of story.

- Yeah, it is.

- I like your shirt.

- Thank you.

This nice shirt's name is Max.

Hey. This lady's name is Donna.

And my shirt's name is Brenda.

- She's a loudmouth.

- Great.

Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.

Seemed like you waved more at Brenda.

So, Max, how did you end up here tonight?

Clients. I'm here with some clients.

I work for a computer company.

We design a program that basically,

if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,

people all over the world,

it's like you're actually playing it live.

So, it's like a phone call,

and it's like you're really...

- So it's like a phone call.

- Connected.

- I've made phone calls. That's cool.

- Yeah, yeah.

So imagine that, but with a video game.

You pick up the phone, and you're like,

"Hi, is computer there?" And it's like,

"I'll connect you to video game"?

Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah.

But one of their wives

heard about this place.

So here we are. Is there comedy in the back?

- Yeah.

- No.

Actually, I had just hosted a show

back there, and Donna performed.

- You didn't catch any?

- No, I couldn't find the room.

That's a bummer.

- 'Cause she was amazing tonight.

- You know what? Thank you.

Like, she's always great,

but, like, tonight, I would say,

she was, like, particularly on point.

- Interesting.

- Congrats. That's awesome.

You do this a lot?

Yeah, it's a habit.

Okay. All right.

Another round?

You want to do another round?

Yeah. Sure.

I'll try it. I'll try drinking.

Okay.

- Perfect timing.

- Okay, okay.

All right. On it.

He is hot, bro!

Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian.

He's like a Christmas tree.

So be the f***ing angel on top.

Who gives a sh*t?

I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah

on top of the tree that burns it down.

And they're like, "Shouldn't have

had that menorah on top of me."

- He, like, knows Santa.

- Sit on him.

"Santa, can you help me

forget my memories?"

- Yes, exactly. Now you get it.

- I don't think so. That's not...

I'm from a small little town in Vermont.

My grammar school was in a barn.

How cool is that?

That is cool.

Right? Pretty sweet.

Is that a lie? Ls that true?

It's a truth. It's the truth.

Do you think that you can tell when

somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?

Do you have a wig on?

I knew it.

I have a wig over my toupee.

Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee?

I was only halfway right.

Wait till you see my merkin.

Oh, no.

F***, it is so cold out here!

I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back.

Is this illegal?

Can we get arrested for this?

Are you... Who are you?

You've never peed in public before?

No. That's not me.

What about pools?

No, no way.

What, you pee in pools?

I've peed in every pool I've ever been in.

Oh, my!

Did you just f***ing fart in my face?

No.

Yeah. I'm...

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Are you crying?

Don't cry, okay?

- Are you laughing?

- Who would cry?

- You farted in my face.

- I'm... it happened.

I'm sorry.

No f***ing way.

I would not hire myself in this.

When do you start again?

I'm on call, which means that I only get

to work if the other receptionist gets sick.

- So we're praying for bird flu?

- That's right.

Cool, I have the dumbest

mirror face in the world.

Please, everybody does.

No, but I look like a shih tzu.

I look like just a little shih tzu.

You just want to say "sh*t."

You know, that's not not true.

Here, try this on.

Thank you so much

for this flammable piece of sh*t

that's gonna give me a rash in one second.

And I also just activated,

like, an old whore's BO.

My b*obs hurt really bad.

Maybe you're pregnant.

Hey, is this cute?

I mean, if it had a button, would it be...

What? What's wrong?

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

What? No! I was just kidding.

No, I'm late. I'm never late.

And my b*obs are super-swollen and sore.

No, it's just... You're getting your period.

No, I'm never boob-sore.

Okay, well, maybe it's stress.

Didn't you say that

when you found out you were pregnant,

the one sign was that

you had boob soreness?

Yeah, but you and Ryan

haven't had sex in months.

I know.

Oh, my God!

You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter?

Of course, I did.

I don't know.

Hold on.

Yes, I remember seeing a condom.

I just don't know, like, exactly what it did.

Okay, look, you're probably not,

but we'll go get a test.

I have to pack up the bookstore

in, like, 20 minutes.

Okay, I'll go get a test,

and I'll meet you at the bookstore.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not.

No, you're not.

It's weird that you guys

keep a radio on in the bathroom.

Yeah, Gene has shy bowels,

and it helps him to go.

- Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes.

- Okay.

And...

One line is not pregnant, and plus sign...

You are f***ed.

One line, one line, one line.

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