Obvious Child Page #4

Just going to take a big, stinky sh*t

while we wait.

Perfect. Cool timing.

Don't stare at that stick.

Okay. I'll just...

You're just peeing, right?

Great.

Do you want to hear the story about

when I went to get my first pregnancy test?

It was, like, 2.5 miles between where

we lived and where the pharmacy was.

I couldn't ask my mom to drive me,

so I had to...

If you've just tuned in, you're listening

to the Donna's Brain Show,

and I'm the voice of the brain.

Today, I'm sitting down

with the idiot in question

who, after being dumped and losing herjob,

recently had...

Excuse me... may have had

unprotected sex with a stranger.

I can't get your blouse off.

Did I leave anything out?

We used a condom.

Okay, well, that's not what I heard.

Let's do this!

Note the razor sharp teeth.

We should have been using our hands.

No. No way.

Yes!

I don't know any wrestles.

Did you find it?

It's a five second rule. Five second rule.

Come on. I think that it was more like...

Here you are, sir. One condom.

Might it be correct

to say that you cannot recall?

I'm getting a little dizzy.

Well, you're dizzy because you played

Russian roulette with your vagina.

Did you know that

Hulk Hogan's name is Terry?

It's time.

It's time.

Oh, God, your face.

Oh, my God, barf rush.

Do I have morning sickness?

No, that's probably just psychosomatic.

Okay, there's two tests in the box.

Let's take another one.

- I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up.

- Okay.

- Did somebody have a bad dream?

- Oh, God, Dad!

That thing is freakin' so frightening.

I guess I am.

Come on, give us a...

Come on, give us a kiss.

I love you. I love you.

Kiss yourself.

It's, like, 100 degrees in here.

Puppets work best in heat.

Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting.

It's Donna.

I'm so sorry. Must have missed the "Na."

Where are my glasses?

Here.

Thank you, Donna.

Your test came back positive,

and you are indeed pregnant.

F***!

Sorry for cursing.

That's all right. I've heard it all.

So, let's talk about your options.

I would like an abortion, please.

That sounds very insensitive. I'm not sure.

Sounds like I was ordering

at a drive-through,

but I would like an abortion, please.

It's important that

you've put a lot of thought into this,

and that this decision is entirely yours.

I'd also like to provide you with

all the information you need about abortion

as well as other options.

Yeah.

I have thought about it,

and this is what I need to do.

Okay.

So, based on the first day

of your last period,

you're about three weeks along,

which is pretty early.

In fact, it's too early

to get the procedure done with us.

Okay.

It means you need to wait.

I'd like to set the appointment

for two weeks from today.

That'll put it on the 14th.

- February 14th?

- Yeah.

Oh, my!

I guess we could do it the day after.

That's my mom's birthday.

Can't even get an abortion right.

I'm guessing you wouldn't want to

wait too much longer.

No, let's have it...

Let's do it on Valentine's Day.

Give this card to the receptionist

on your way out, and she'll schedule you.

Okay.

I should probably ask.

How much does this cost?

An in-clinic procedure costs about $500.

Really?

Sorry.

That's, like, my whole rent almost.

But the cost also covers an HIV test

as well as STD testing.

Do you have insurance?

Well, if not, we can provide

financial assistance if you qualify.

- Do you have Medicaid?

- No.

Any friends or family that can help?

Okay, I'm out of tape now.

Hey, little lady, is there any more tape?

Yeah.

Yes, there is tape in the bathroom

on the top shelf.

I did the first scream for screaming,

and then the second scream I had

from scaring myself from the first scream.

Yeah, I saw that.

- I'm gonna come in now, okay?

- Yeah.

What are you doing here?

You said you worked here, so...

Sure.

The Savage Detectives.

This book is amazing.

Well, it can be yours for 99 cents.

Hey, I just passed a Mexican food truck

on the way over here.

Do you wanna go get a bite?

When we hung out before, you said...

You said that you could mouth f***

the sh*t out of a burrito.

God damn it.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Also, do you remember

urinating in the street?

Among other things.

What?

- That was the main move.

- All right.

If you have time, take a little break?

Well, I can't leave the store unmanned,

UN-womaned.

Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Well...

I'd love to take you out sometime

on a proper date.

Well, here's the thing,

is that the store is closing down,

and it's a hard time,

and it's gonna take forever,

and I have to put all the books in the boxes.

None of them are in the boxes.

I'm the only thing in a box,

and I'm not a book.

- Not yet.

- Yeah. Okay.

Totally.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

I have a copy of this already.

Well, good luck with the closing.

Thanks. You, too.

I can't believe he walked into the store.

That's a sign.

And that would be a sign saying...

Like, that I'm a present in a box,

and that he and I should go

and start our beautiful life together.

- You know, I'm not a straight guy...

- What?

...but my guess is that most of them

would hate that gift.

What? You're saying

that a guy doesn't want

a drunk, pregnant girl in a box?

If you're a serial killer.

Maybe you wanna tell him.

No. Why? Why?

You don't owe him anything.

You don't even know this guy.

Maybe he just deserves to know

that, like, this happened.

That I'm not psycho,

and I'm going to get an abortion.

You know, if I got someone pregnant,

I would wanna know.

If you got someone pregnant,

I would also want to know.

Probably every newspaper

would want to know,

'cause all of a sudden,

some dude's mouth would be pregnant.

My God, you guys,

stop it with the crazy jokes.

Why do you care

what he needs to know or not?

You are the one who has

to get this procedure, pay for it,

wear the f***ing pad

with the big wings, okay?

You think if he was pregnant,

he would be worrying about you right now?

No, he'd be trying to get

that f***ing thing out of his body.

God damn it! You guys,

we already live in a patriarchal society

where a bunch of weird old white men

in robes get to legislate our c*nts.

You just need to be worrying about yourself.

And why are you looking at me like that,

you little b*tches?

Everything you're saying is valid,

but you are scaring my dick off.

Anyway, if your gut is to tell him,

I say do it, because he seems sweet.

I'm exhausted now.

- Does it hurt?

- Does what hurt?

You know, only you would know

if your vagina hurts or not.

Okay. Does having an abortion hurt?

No, except for some cramps afterwards,

but they feel just like period cramps.

Just take me through it snip-by-snip.

Okay, first of all, there is no snips,

and the whole thing

literally takes, like, five minutes.

That's amazing.

You don't even have to clear your schedge.

No, you still need the whole day.

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