Obvious Child Page #5

Because they talk to you for a while.

Well, you don't have to clear your schedge,

'cause there's nothing on it.

How often do you think about it?

I think about it sometimes. Once in a while.

And then I get really sad

for my little teenage self.

But I never regret it.

And did you ever tell your mom?

No, she thought I was at field hockey.

- Were you the goalie?

- Of course I was the goalie.

I'm glad you're here.

You're so jumpy.

You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja.

I wanted to continue

our discussion about your future.

Okay, well, I have something

that I would like to talk to you about as well.

- I'd like to go first.

- Great.

I couldn't sleep last night.

So I made a spreadsheet

of all of your expenses,

job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks

that I think you should focus on.

Okay, well, you didn't need to do that.

No sh*t.

I have a student in my office right now,

and I have one about to deliver something.

So, we'll do it afterwards, all right?

And could you please go through the mail?

I'm still getting your student loan crap.

It's open.

Hello.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

F***!

I'm sorry. I just...

I'm not stalking you. This isn't a...

Oh, my God.

Professor Stern. I'm just...

I'm looking for Professor Stern.

Yeah. She's my mom.

- She's your mom?

- Yeah.

She's a genius.

Okay, seriously though, she's, like,

the best professor I had in business school.

I see you about to roll your eyes again,

all right? But that's that truth.

She lit a fire in my belly.

Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.

I'm sorry, but you just handed

that one to me like a little present.

Yeah, you know, we've hung out before.

Anyway, your mother lent me this book

a couple of months ago,

and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so...

Thank you.

Come on.

You made fun of my shoes?

These are my mom's.

Do you wanna try them on?

No.

All right, yeah, I would.

That's amazing.

I don't do hard drugs,

but I imagine this is

what it feels like to shoot heroin.

Yeah, they're so soft.

They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins.

Yeah, and then she said that, so...

There you go.

So...

Sorry, do you wanna go

get some food or something?

Are you two ready to order?

- You know what? Actually, I haven't had...

- Yes. Yes, yes.

We'll each have

the chicken piccata over linguine, please.

Of course. Your favorite.

Thank you.

You are a serious regular.

It's, like, the one place where I can go

and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in.

Got it.

I also don't normally order

for the person that I'm with at a restaurant,

but the chicken piccata is the best

that this place has to offer.

It's the gem. It's the crown jewel.

You got to have it.

Well, there is nothing better

than some hot bread and butter.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Did you just warm this butter up for me?

Yeah.

That's really nice.

That's just what you do.

Max, I have something I wanna tell you.

What's up?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Great.

I kind of walked into that one, huh?

Indeed.

Aren't you wearing a diaper?

Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it

on a number one.

- Okay.

- Diaper is for the heavy lifting.

Hey, Max, remember from before

when we did sex to each other?

Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion.

Do you wanna share a dessert?

Lead with that. Definitely lead with that.

Perfect. That's perfect.

- Hey.

- Hello.

Do you see this couple?

Yeah.

They're incredible.

The entire time you were gone,

she has been reading off the menu to him,

and he points at a new item,

and she just tells him what it is.

Maybe he just likes to hear

his favorite things read out loud.

That's what I thought.

I just love couples like this.

It's not a line.

But I can't wait to be a grandpa.

Man, yeah.

Really hitting that bread.

You're gonna have room for that piccata?

- Two.

- Yeah? Okay.

You got any shows coming up?

I do. I have one tomorrow night actually.

- Awesome.

- Yeah.

- Where?

- Same place. Always same place.

Cool. Cool.

Can I come?

- Sh*t. Sh*t! Sh*t!

- I don't have to.

No, no, no. You stepped in sh*t.

- What?

- Sh*t!

Come on!

- These are my only shoes.

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

- This is great. You're just...

- No, no. I'm just...

I'm glad it's... Yeah.

I'm just, you know, just trying to get...

You stamped right down on the doodie.

Okay!

All right.

- You almost got it out?

- Yeah.

You're almost cleared?

Yep. Okay. All right.

Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach,

and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Okay.

- Good night.

Are you limping?

I don't wanna get it on my pants.

Yeah. My father was, like,

a funny dude, man, my father.

I think he's the reason why I do comedy.

He's like a cross between

Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

He was Cosby, like, in that

he'd hide snacks around the house.

And he was like Richard Pryor

in that he freebased cocaine.

Can I get a seltzer?

What's up?

You're a jumpy little kitty.

When do I go on?

It's what I wanted to talk to you about.

We're gonna have to end early,

set up for an '80s dance party.

No. Can you just let me get five minutes?

I just wanna do five minutes.

You still doing that break-up material?

I'm just doing my comedy,

which is just talking about my life, so...

Don't look at my sh*t

while I'm writing it down, man.

What? No, that's funny.

I think my bodega man judges me, too.

Yeah.

How was Los Angeles?

Nice deflection.

Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks,

three shitty weeks.

I f***ing hate that place.

Running around, driving a gold KIA.

That's all they had.

Well, there was a screw-up...

Had to drive a gold KIA?

I did not pick out a gold KIA.

I would pick out a pewter KIA,

taupe, tasmine,

which is combo of taupe and jasmine.

But it now looks like I will be

moving out there for pilot season.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I sold a pilot.

Congrats.

Yeah, but let's get out of here.

Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me.

I'm house sitting

for this crazy rich friend of mine.

I mean crazy rich.

It's awesome. It's huge.

All modern like the stuff when you read

in the back of the rich people's magazines

that they have at the airport.

- Man, I don't know.

- Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.

Let's go. It'll be mad nice.

We'll get a crew together.

It'll be like the old times.

What rap group from 1997 are you in?

Whodini.

No, it was two different kinds of mustard.

Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here.

There we go.

- No, did I miss it?

- Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Work was hectic.

I was trying to leave three hours ago.

That's okay.

I'm actually leaving now, though.

I'm gonna go hang out

with some comedians.

- You coming or what?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.

I mean, you can come,

but I just think it might be boring

or actually very depressing probably.

Is it just the two of you?

It's not like that.

That's what it looks like.

Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn,

but you didn't have to.

You invited me.

Well, I didn't think that

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