Obvious Child Page #6

we made, like, concrete plans.

Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled.

Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry.

Me, too.

Have fun.

My therapist, this is for real,

refers to standup as plays. I'm serious.

Like, "You did a play last night.

How was your play?"

"How was your play? Was it good?"

- ls your therapist your Nana?

- No, she's your Nana actually.

- Nana!

- That's why I go to her.

Yeah.

- Dominican woman, right?

- Right.

Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan.

Yeah. No, you've definitely,

yeah, nailed down my lineage.

All right, well...

Hey, how come we've never

done this before?

Because a few years ago, I rejected you,

and you've been the worst to me ever since.

So cheers.

Right.

Sh*t. F***!

I have a stain stick. I really do.

That's all chemicals. This is wine.

I got to soak it.

What?

It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt.

Then why didn't you choose

the baggy sweatshirt?

'Cause I wanted to look nice for you.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be very hard

to have a conversation with you

while you're wearing that ladies' camisole.

Well, then I'll do all the talking.

What were we talking about?

I don't know. You just erased my mind.

Break-ups.

Yeah.

I just recently went through

a pretty bad one.

- She cheated on you?

- Worse.

What's worse than getting cheated on?

Think about it.

I mean, I don't understand how a person

who can claim that they love you,

act like they love you,

say it in words, say it in action,

can then turn around in that same breath

and tell you

that they don't do anal.

For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.

What? I was kidding.

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.

I was kidding.

Of course she did anal.

You're an idiot.

No, she was Greek Catholic.

You know how they are.

I don't care about the anal

or your stupid loft or any...

I can't even believe

I've made it this deep into this experience.

You know what I think,

is that you should stay the night here,

and we can keep talking

and work some stuff out.

Donna, come on.

You didn't even see the shower.

Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off.

You're missing it.

Hi, it's Donna.

I'm really sorry about tonight.

I'm really, really sorry.

I never should have just...

I saw you, and I got very nervous.

I got taken by surprise.

I have something

that I wanna talk to you about,

and I've been meaning to talk to you.

And I don't wanna leave it

on your voice-mail.

So, will you call me back, please?

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Sir, can you turn around

and go to Manhattan, please?

You said Brooklyn.

I changed my mind.

Hi.

Are you sick?

What time is it?

I think probably midnight.

What's wrong? What going on?

Mom, can I come in bed with you?

Yeah.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Talk to me.

I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion.

Thank God.

I thought you were gonna tell me

you were moving to LA.

What? No.

God. I was so scared to tell you.

Sweetheart, I know that we haven't

been getting along lately,

but you should never be afraid to talk to me.

I was...

I was scared that you'd be very angry

and very disappointed.

Well, I'm neither.

Look, I can't believe I never told you this,

but when I was in college, I had an abortion.

- Dad's?

- No. God. Not your father's.

No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert.

And abortions were illegal in those days,

so your grandma had to drive me

in the family station wagon

all the way to New Jersey.

And we had to go

to some stranger's apartment.

When I got up there,

there was 12 other women

just sitting there in some kind of stupor.

And they put me up on the kitchen table,

they gave me some kind of shot

to put me out,

and that was that.

Next night, I was dancing

at your aunt's sweet 16 party.

I didn't know that.

You know, I was going through

some old papers,

and I found this book the other day

that you had written

when you were 11 years old.

- I wrote a book?

- Yes, you don't remember?

You wrote it to me.

You sent me a chapter

every week from camp.

It was about this little girl detective

named Winks.

She had a twitch.

I have a book for you actually

that one of your students dropped it off,

and somehow it slipped my mind.

I forgot to give it to you.

Max Brown.

Is he, like, a teacher's pet?

Did he compliment you

on your alpaca sweater?

Actually, he's a very good student

and a pretty good writer, too.

Interesting. Why are you asking about Max?

There's no reason.

Because he's not your type.

Okay, what is my type?

- Smelly.

- Mom!

Ryan didn't wear deodorants

with antiperspirant in them,

because he was afraid of Alzheimer's.

Right. I would rather not remember

smelling like garbage

than remember that

I'd been stinking my entire life.

Yeah, okay,

that was, like, a very funny observation.

- Thank you.

- You made a full joke.

Darn it. I thought I would fool you

with my 212 number.

Hello, it's me again, calling you again.

I can't remember the last time I left a number

in my own speaking voice, so...

Anyway, here it is.

I am gonna be at the store until 5:00

and then maybe attempting

to make people laugh around 8:30.

You should stop by if you feel like it.

I promise I won't leave with a stranger

unless that stranger is you.

Goodbye.

They say to be yourself on dates,

but I actually think

that's horrible advice from my experience.

No one wants to talk about

how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot.

Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type.

You are gonna kill it out there.

I actually have an appointment

to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry.

Boy. Okay.

- What do you want to drink?

- Seltzer, please.

One seltzer.

I really wanna bring the next comic

to the stage now,

because I think everything about her

is f***ing cool.

And I think that you guys are

definitely going to agree with me on this.

She is hot as sh*t and brilliant.

Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern.

You guys like my singing voice?

I just burped into this

because I'm an adult woman.

I do like being an adult woman.

I've always wanted to be that...

I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra,

and a blouse,

and a schedule.

Like, where I could just, like,

be in my house and just be like,

"Oh, my God, I'm running late,"

you know? Like...

I've always wanted to be able to be

on the car phone and be like,

"Okay, Susan, will do."

"What? Okay. All right. Talk soon."

And then just hang up

and not worry about, you know,

why the bathroom smells in a weird way.

But I'm not here to talk about car phones.

I came here tonight

on a very different mission.

And that is

to say to you that...

Sorry.

Which is to say to you

that I am pregnant.

Okay, all right, testing the waters.

I dropped that one down.

The second thing that I would like to say

right now, out loud,

and I'm gonna say it out loud right now.

Out loud, right now...

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Just rolling along with this,

out loud, right now.

Is that I am going to have an abortion...

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