Obvious Child Page #7

Okay, okay, keep breathing.

...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day.

So, we'll start from there.

I'm sure you're wondering

how this happened.

A little thing I like to call getting

banged out in the middle of the night,

the heat, heat, heat of the night,

by a very nice person

that I don't know very well at all.

I don't know.

He was a stranger, but a nice one.

Probably the best of all the strangers

that are out there.

And of course you guys

aren't strangers anymore

because now you're a part of my life

in a big way.

So I don't know if you've gleaned

that maybe I'm not ready to be a mom.

You're like, "No sh*t.

You are not ready to be a mom."

And so I decided to get the abortion,

but I really do love pregnant ladies,

and there's lots of things

about being a mom that seem fun,

but for me it's just like

I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV.

Equaling I can't shut off the TV.

I decided to tell my mom,

and I thought she was gonna like,

you know, be super upset,

and, like, set me on fire and be like,

"You can never come back

to the synagogue."

Which is also kind of a fantasy that

I'd never have to go back to the synagogue.

So boring.

Everyone's breath is horrible there.

But instead,

she was very relieved,

and she actually ended up telling me

that she herself

had gotten an abortion in the '60s.

Which is pretty amazing

because the bushes were so big then,

that, you know, they must have really,

you know, really had to hunt for it.

And I can say that because, you know,

once you get an abortion,

you can reveal who else has had them.

I decided to be on the list of

the very many women that have done this.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day,

and I can honestly say

it's not going to be

the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had.

It's gonna be okay because

I know that I'm not alone.

I'm totally here. You guys are here.

You're all gonna come with me tomorrow.

But it's going to be...

I think it's going to be okay.

And afterwards, I'll just be in my future.

And, you know, we'll go from there, right?

I guess so.

That's really it.

You guys have been very generous

to me tonight,

and I've really enjoyed myself.

So, thank you and happy V-Day.

Hope you get all the candy

that you want and deserve.

That's it. Thank you.

- Morning, sunshine.

- Hey.

You were so incredible last night.

He left.

I was talking about your set.

Thanks.

How's your stomach? You want this?

No, I don't. I just want this.

Well, when you're ready, I'll call us a cab.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay, thank you very much. We are outside.

Five minutes.

Let's just take the train.

No, we're aborting in style.

I'm so cold!

Freezing.

Have you ever heard

about the people on Mount Everest

who are about to die,

and how that is for them?

No, tell me what happens to them.

It's not like what you imagine.

Like, that there are icicles

coming out of their tears or whatever.

The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down."

But then they sit down, because they're

so tired that they'll just die up there.

- Oh, my God.

- And all their parkas are still there.

Max. Max. Max is walking.

Max is walking up. I'm not kidding,

and he has a bouquet of flowers.

No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah.

- I can't... What do I do?

- You just... I don't know.

- Pretend I'm saying something.

- You are saying something.

- God...

- He's coming.

- He's getting very close.

- What's my face look like?

It's happening now. He's here.

- Hey.

- Hi.

These are for you.

That's so nice.

I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you

and you,

I could go with you.

You can look at my sheet. It's okay.

I don't have any secrets.

Nice.

Mental illness runs in your family.

Yeah, we have diabetes and depression.

The diabetes?

You guys like

to eat a lot of candy in your family?

Lot of desserts, lot of pie,

lot of brownie sundaes.

- That's darling.

- Yeah.

So cold out today.

When I looked on weather.com

this morning to pick out my outfit,

I saw that it is the coldest day of the year.

Really?

I heard they're going to start naming

snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.

That's how intense

it's going to be from now on.

The Donna.

Snowstorm of the century.

Donna Two.

Have you ever watched

a weather report before?

Man, I got to get on that.

- Just movie trailers for you, huh?

- Ls that what that is?

Is that all?

I'm sorry I took off last night.

I got your voicemails.

I just didn't know what to do.

I also made a very extreme move last night.

Yeah, but

it was an a**hole move on my part.

No.

I think we're both just trying to figure out

- how to do everything.

- Yeah.

I really wanted to tell you

when we were at dinner, but then you...

I freaked out because you started talking

about wanting to be a grandfather.

And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow?

Well, you're, like, 76, right?

Yeah. Yep.

I just don't... You know.

We've just been acquainted.

I didn't know if you'd be okay with this.

Are you okay with this?

Yeah. Yes.

- Of course.

- Good.

I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday.

- Dad first and then... Right.

- Yeah.

This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day

I have ever had.

Which one of you is Donna?

Follow me, please.

Okay.

Well, thank you for coming.

Thanks for letting me.

See you on the other side?

Hi, Donna.

The sedative should be taking effect.

Are you feeling relaxed?

Okay, Donna,

we're going to start the procedure now.

Let us know if you feel

any discomfort at any time.

- Here you go. It's hot. Careful.

- Thank you.

Do you want to put your feet up?

Okay.

- How's that?

- It's good.

I made a bunch of friends

in the waiting room

at the DMV.

Oh, God.

We weren't at the DMV.

I got my license renewed.

You did?

Were you not... I got the car inspected.

You know, I think they towed my car.

Yeah, they sort of took

a lot of stuff out of the trunk.

And, you know, for a second,

I was afraid to drive it again,

but I think I probably will.

- So you were there? You were at the DMV.

- Yeah.

That was us.

- Do you want to watch a movie?

- Always.

Okay.

Let's see what we got going on here.

It is nothing but romantic comedies.

I just hate that type of film.

I don't connect to it.

Here we go.

We have hit the mother lode.

Gone with the Wind is about to start.

Have you ever seen this?

I have not.

I've never seen it either.

Do you want to watch it?

I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long.

Do you have somewhere to be?

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