Office Space Page #2

MICHAEL:

Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!

PETER:

Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. Y'know, sometimes I just

think, I keep thinking that she's cheating on me.

MICHAEL:

Yeah. I know what you mean.

SAMIR:

Yeah.

PETER:

What is that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL:

Nothing. Why don't you just tell Anne you're not into hypnosis and you

want to play poker with us?

PETER:

Ah, I can't do that. She might get all pissed off at me. Besides, I

think the guy might be able to help. He did help Anne lose weight.

SAMIR:

Peter, she's anorexic.

PETER:

Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.

MICHAEL:

An occupational hypnotherapist isn't going to help you solve any of

your problems. And speaking of problems, what's this I hear about you

having problems with your TPS reports?

SAMIR:

Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?

Peter sighs.

[Scene Outside Initech. Tom, another employee, runs across the street,

towards Samir, Peter and Michael.]

TOM:

Hey! Hey, guys! Samir!!

SAMIR:

Is that Tom Smykowski?

PETER:

What's he doing?

MICHAEL:

Oh, probably working on another heart attack.

TOM:

Have you guys see this?

He hands them a piece of paper.

MICHAEL:

What? It's the staff meeting. So what?

TOM:

We're all screwed, that's what. They're gonna downsize Initech.

SAMIR:

Oh, what are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?

TOM:

They're bringing in a consultant - that's how I know. That's what this

staff meeting is all about! That's what happened at Initrode last year.

You have an interview with a consultant and they bring in efficiency

experts. You're interviewing for your own job!

MICHAEL:

Tom, every week you say you're losing your job and you're still here.

TOM:

I'm going to be the first one they're gonna lay off. Just the thought

of having to go to the State Unemployment Office and having to stand in

line with those scumbags!!!

[Scene Michael and Samir's cubicle. They're sitting there worrying.]

MICHAEL:

Sh*t. Sh*t.

TOM:

You know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with

all this sh*t? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see,

that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind and come up with

some really great idea like that and you never have to work again!

MICHAEL:

I don't think the pet rock was really such a good idea.

TOM:

The guy made a million dollars! Y'know… I had an idea like that once.

PETER:

Really? What was it, Tom?

TOM:

Well, all right. It was a Jump… to Conclusions-mat. You see, it would

be this mat that you would put on the floor and it would have different

conclusions written on it that you could…jump to.

MICHAEL:

That is the worse idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

SAMIR:

Yes, yes, it's horrible…this idea….

TOM:

Ah, look. I, I gotta get outta here. I'll see you guys later, if I

still have a job.

He goes to his cubicle.

PETER:

Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if

we had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably,

whatever we would say, that was supposed to be our careers. If you

wanted to build cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

SAMIR:

So what did you say?

PETER:

I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

MICHAEL:

No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to

begin with.

(The printer is not working)

If that quiz worked, there would be no janitors, because no one would

clean sh*t up if they had a million dollars.

SAMIR:

Well, I would invest half of it in ??? Mutual Funds and give the rest

of it to my friend, Saheib, in Securities.

MICHAEL:

Samir, the point of the exercise is that you could figure out what you

want to do. And then…

(reads the printer's display)

"PC load letter"?!! What the f*** does that mean?!!

He knocks off the paper tray.

[Scene Peter's apartment. He enters, tired, and sits down on the couch.

He then turns on the TV.]

LAWRENCE:

(V/O, FROM NEXT DOOR)

HEY PETER-MAN! CHECK OUT CHANNEL NINE! IT'S THE BREAST EXAM! CHECK OUT

THIS CHICK!

PETER:

Lawrence, can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through

the wall?

LAWRENCE:

Oh! I'm sorry man, is Anne over there or something?

PETER:

No! But if you just want to talk to me, just come over.

Lawrence does so; it takes him like ten seconds.

LAWRENCE:

Hey man. Check this out, dude.

He changes channels a bunch of times

Pepsi commercial, a soap opera and another show. He stops on breast

exam.

PETER:

Oh geez, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE:

I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd wanna see this. Doesn't this chick look

like Anne?

PETER:

Yeah, a little bit.

LAWRENCE:

Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still going out?

PETER:

I guess, yeah. I, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that she's

cheating on me.

LAWRENCE:

Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.

PETER:

What do you mean by that?

LAWRENCE:

I don't know , man, I just get that feeling looking at her, like - I'm

sorry, man. Look, I, I, I, I, I, I'm talking out of my ass. I don't

know.

He gets up.

PETER:

It's ok. I just had a rough day.

LAWRENCE:

Tell me about it, man.

(sits on the couch)

I gotta wake my ass up at six AM every day of this week and drag

myself up to Vascalinas. Yeah, I'm doing the drywall up there at the

new McDonalds.

PETER:

Let me ask you something. When you come in on Mondays, and you're not

feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say "sounds like

someone's got a case of the Mondays"?

LAWRENCE:

No. No, man, sh*t, no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked for

sayin' something like that, man.

PETER:

Huh.

LAWRENCE:

We still going fishing this weekend?

PETER:

Nah. Lumbergh's gonna make me come in this Saturday. I know it.

LAWRENCE:

Well, you can get out of that easily.

PETER:

Yeah, how?

LAWRENCE:

(Gets up)

Well, when you work on an Saturday, he generally asks you at the end of

the day, right?

(gets a beer)

So all you have to do is avoid him –

(peter offers him a bottle cap remover)

That's all right, i got one –

(he gets on from his pocket)

The last few hours of the day. And turn off your answering machine, you

should be home free then.

PETER:

That's a really good idea. (sits on the couch) Lawrence, what would you

do if you had a million dollars?

He sits down.

LAWRENCE:

I'll tell you what I'll do, man--Two chicks at the same time.

Peter laughs.

PETER:

That's it? If you had a million dollars, that's what you'd do, two

chicks at the same time?

LAWRENCE:

Damn straight, man. I've always wanted to do that. I figure if I were a

millionaire, I could hook that up. Chicks dig guys with money.

PETER:

Well not all chicks….

LAWRENCE:

Well, the type that double up on a guy like me do.

PETER:

Good point.

LAWRENCE:

NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

PETER:

Besides two chicks at the same time?

LAWRENCE:

Oh yeah.

PETER:

Nothing.

LAWRENCE:

Nothing, huh?

PETER:

I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

LAWRENCE:

You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my

cousin. He's broke and don't do sh*t.

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