Office Space Page #7

unemployment or early retirement. What's it gonna be?

SAMIR:

I have a question.

PETER:

Yes.

SAMIR:

In, in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?

PETER:

Yep. You sure can.

SAMIR:

Ok. I'm gonna do it.

PETER:

That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about America!!

MICHAEL:

Peter Let's discuss the plan, all right?

PETER:

All right.

MICHAEL:

All right. It works like a computer virus. All right? So all we have to

do is load it anywhere into the credit union mainframe and it'll do the

rest.

PETER:

Ok, you guys give me that disk and I'll take it from there. Oh, but

listen. Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God,

Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no

girlfriends, nobody!

SAMIR:

Of course.

MICHAEL:

Agreed.

LAWRENCE:

Don't worry man! I won't tell anybody about this either!

MICHAEL:

Who the f*** is that?!

PETER:

Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right. Now here's how I see

it all going down...

[Scene Initech. Peter shakes the Bobs' hands.]

BOB SLYDELL:

Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.

BOB PORTER:

And we'll go ahead and get some people under you right away.

(They give a thumbs up.

[Scene Samir and Michael's cubicle. They look at each other. Michael

copies the virus and looks around. He gives it to Samir. Samir walks by

Peter and gives it to him. He puts it into his computer and copies the

file. He goes to Samir and Michael's cubicle.]

MICHAEL:

Well, that was easy.

PETER:

Yeah, I guess it was.

MICHAEL:

What did you do with the -

DREW:

Hey guys.

PETER:

Oh, hey Drew.

DREW:

did you guys hear about Tom Smykowski?

MICHAEL:

The guy who got laid off?

DREW:

No, man, check this out.

[Flashback. Tom's getting drunk in his kitchen.]

DREW:

V/O) LAST WEEK, AFTER HE FOUND OUT HE WAS GETTING LAID OFF, HE TRIES TO

KILL HIMSELF BY RUNNING THE CAR IN THE GARAGE.

Cut to Tom in his car.

MICHAEL:

V/O) IS HE DEAD?!

DREW:

V/O) BUT THAT WIFE OF HIS COMES HOME EARLY FROM WORK EARLY AND FOUND

HIM IN THE CAR AND TRIES TO PLAY IT OFF AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

TOM:

COUGH) I WAS HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH THE SHIFTER HERE. IT'S JAMMED. I,

I COULDN'T GET IT INTO DRIVE. I, I, I MEAN, REVERSE.

MRS. SMYKOWSKI

Are you ok, Tom?

TOM:

Yeah.

DREW:

V/O) AND THEN, AS HE'S LOOKING AT HER, HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO LIVE.

TOM:

I'm ok.

MRS. SMYKOWSKI

Right.

TOM:

It seems to be working now. See ya later, honey. Love ya.

He backs out.

DREW:

V/O) BUT THEN AS HE BACKS OUT INTO HIS DRIVEWAY, HE'S SLAMMED BIG TIME

BY A DRUNK DRIVER.

We hear a bang from behind the closing garage door.

Cut back to Initech, present.

PETER:

Well, is he ok?

DREW:

Sort of. He broke both his wrists, his legs, a couple of ribs, his

back. But check it out. He's gonna get a huge settlement out of this.

Like seven figures. He's getting out of the hospital this weekend and

he's throwing a big party to celebrate. I'm thinking I'm gonna take

that new chick from Logistics. I might be showing her my O face. Oh!

Oh! Oh! you know what I'm talking about. Oh! Yeah. Right. See you guys

there.

[Scene Peter's car. Samir and Michael are with him.]

MICHAEL:

Wow, our last day at Initech.

SAMIR:

I can't believe they had security escort us out. Not like we're gonna

steal something.

PETER:

I stole something.

MICHAEL:

Oh yeah. I guess we all did.

PETER:

No, I stole something else.

SAMIR:

What did you steal?

PETER:

We'll call it a going away present.

[Scene A field. They drop the printer. Samir stomps on it four times

and Michael, eight times. Peter hands Samir a bat. He hits the printer

twice and Michael takes over. He starts to punch it. Samir and Peter

pull him away, but he runs back to destroy the evil printer.]

Cut to Peter's place. Samir's trying to break dance.

[Scene Outside Peter's place.]

PETER:

Everything is going to be ok. Ok?

SAMIR:

The one I see is -

PETER:

I can see this working. I gotta go. I gotta go. Joanna's coming over.

Don't worry! You're worrying! All right? Monday morning we're gonna

check the account balance and everything will be all right. Don't miss

Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there.

Peter goes inside.

SAMIR:

RAPPING) BACK UP IN YOUR ASS WITH THE RESURRECTION...

[Scene Peter's place, morning. Joanna sees all the empty liquor

bottles.]

JOANNA:

Hey, what were you guys celebrating last night?

PETER:

Um, I'm not really at liberty to talk about it. I really can't.

[Scene Peter's car. He and Joanna are going to the barbecue.]

PETER:

So when the subroutine compounds the interest, right, it uses all these

extra decimals places that just get rounded off. So we just simplify

the whole thing and we just round it down and drop the remainder into

an account that we own.

JOANNA:

So you're stealing.

PETER:

Ah, no. No. You don't understand. It's, uh, very complicated. It's, uh,

it's, it's aggregate so I'm talking about fractions of a cent that, uh,

over time, they add up to a lot.

JOANNA:

Ok. So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?

PETER:

Yeah.

JOANNA:

Ok. That's not yours?

PETER:

Well, it, it becomes ours.

JOANNA:

How's that not stealing?

PETER:

I don't think, I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Um, this

Seven Eleven, right? If you take a penny from the tray -

JOANNA:

From the crippled children?!

PETER:

No, that's the tray. I'm talking about the tray. The penny's for

everybody.

JOANNA:

Oh, for everybody. Ok.

PETER:

Yeah, well, those are whole pennies.

JOANNA:

Yeah.

PETER:

Right. I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here, but we do it

from a much bigger tray. A couple of million times. So what's wrong

with that?

JOANNA:

It seems wrong.

PETER:

It's not wrong. Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all

right? Chotchkie's is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get

up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?

JOANNA:

Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the

register!

PETER:

You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair but they made the Jews wear

them.

JOANNA:

What?!

PETER:

Look, we don't - I, I - we don't have to talk about this. Let's just go

to the barbecue, all right?

JOANNA:

Ok.

[Scene Tom's house. Samir and Michael open the front door. tom is in a

full body cast and is hooked up to a bunch of stuff.]

TOM:

Michael! Samir! How are you doing?

MICHAEL:

Hiya Tom.

SAMIR:

Hi Tom.

TOM:

Yeah, I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Rob Newhouse. (they shake hands)

Rob, Michael.

ROB:

Hello Michael.

TOM:

Samir.

ROB:

Hello -

SAMIR:

Samir.

ROB:

...Samir.

(Peter and Joanna enter.

TOM:

Peter!! How are ya? I'm glad you could make it.

PETER:

Tom! Hi! This is someone I'd like you to meet. This is Joanna.

JOANNA:

Hi.

TOM:

Hi. Forgive me for not getting up. (He starts laughing and everyone

joins in nervously) Ooh...Ooh... Uh, Peter, Peter, come here a minute.

I want to show you something.

They go into the kitchen. There's a Jump to Conclusions mat. It says

??? ; Jump Again ; Strike Out ; Could be ; Loose one Turn ; Yes! ; No!

; Accept it ; Go wild ; One step back ; Think Again ; Moot! On the

bottom are footprints, under the word Start

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