Office Space Page #8

TOM:

Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.

PETER:

Well, that's exactly as you described it. Uh, listen, I, I heard about

your settlement. Congratulations.

TOM:

Well, thanks, Peter. y'know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to

talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I

just wanted you to know that's how you feel. I used to be the same way.

PETER:

Really?

TOM:

Sure. Oh maybe I didn't whine as much, but I hated my job as much as

you and I've been doing good for over thirty years!

PETER:

Wow.

TOM:

Just remember

If you hang in there long enough, good things can happen. I mean, look

at me.

He laughs.

PETER:

Thanks Tom.

TOM:

Aw, sure.

[Scene The backyard. Samir and Michael are talking to Rob.]

ROB:

Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Now, a minimum security prison is

no picnic. I have a client in there right now. You see, the trick is,

kick someone's ass the first day or become someone's b*tch. Then

everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?

MICHAEL:

Oh, no, we were just seeing -

His cup flies out of his hand and ice cubes go everywhere.

Cut to Peter and Drew.

DREW:

Hey Peter.

PETER:

Drew.

DREW:

That's something about old Tom Smykowski, huh?

PETER:

Yeah.

DREW:

Lucky bastard. (sees Joanna) Hey, isn't that the girl who works over at

Chotchkie's?

PETER:

Yeah.

DREW:

Hmm, who's she here with?

PETER:

She's here with me.

DREW:

Really?

PETER:

Yeah.

DREW:

All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber,

dude.

PETER:

Why's that, Drew?

DREW:

Are you kidding me? She gets around, all right?

PETER:

She does, does she?

DREW:

Oh yeah. Like a record.

Joanna waves.

PETER:

With who?

DREW:

Well, let's see. Lumbergh f***ed her. Ah, let me see who else...

PETER:

Lumbergh?!

[Scene Peter's car. He and Joanna are leaving the party.]

JOANNA:

Oh, what if you get caught? Oh, I, I, I, I just don't know if this is

such a good idea.

PETER:

ANGRY) YEAH? WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO SLEEP

WITH LUMBERGH!

JOANNA:

What?! What are you - Oh! All right, Lumbergh...

PETER:

ARGH!!! AH GOD! LUMBERGH!!

JOANNA:

Peter! What is wrong with you? That was like to years ago! What, do you

know him?

PETER:

Yeah, I know him!! I know him! He's my boss!! He's my unholy,

disgusting, pig of a boss!!

JOANNA:

Oh, he's not that disgusting.

PETER:

He represents all that is solace and wrong! And you slept with him!

JOANNA:

That is none of your business, ok? I didn't ask you who you slept with

before we were together. I don't care!

PETER:

Well, I didn't think you would sleep with a guy like Lumbergh!

JOANNA:

Listen to you! Who do you think you are? How dare you judge! Do you

think you're an angel or something? No! You're this petty, stealing,

wannabe criminal...man!

PETER:

Well, I may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!!

JOANNA:

Ok. That's it. I'm done. I want to get out of the car. Stop. I wanna

get -

PETER:

Fine.

He stops and Joanna gets out.

JOANNA:

Why don't you call me when you grow up? Oh, wait, that's probably never

gonna happen so just don't call me, all right?

PETER:

Say hello to Lumbergh for me!!!

She slams the door and he drives off.

[Scene Peter's room. He's having nightmares again.]

DREW:

Lumbergh f***ed her...Lumbergh f***ed her...Lumbergh f***ed her...

BILL:

Oh that's great…great…

DREW:

I'm gonna see the O-face again. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

That dissolves into Bill, naked, holding a foot in one hand a cup of

coffee in the other.

BILL:

Why don't you move it a little to the left? That's right. Great. Oh,

hello, Peter. What's happening? Uh, could you give me those TPS reports

ASAP? Mmmkay?

Peter wakes up and breathes deeply.

[Scene Chotchkie's. Stan approaches Joanna.]

STAN:

Joanna?

JOANNA:

Yeah?

STAN:

We need to talk. Do you know what this is about?

JOANNA:

My, uh, flair.

STAN:

Yeah. Or, uh, your lack thereof. I'm counting and I only see fifteen

pieces. Let me ask you a question, Joanna.

JOANNA:

Umm-hmm.

STAN:

What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?

JOANNA:

Huh. What do I think? Let me tell you what I think, Stan. If you want

me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair like your pretty boy Brian over

there, then why don't you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of

flair?

STAN:

Well, I thought I remember you saying you wanted to express yourself.

JOANNA:

Yeah. Yeah. Y'know what? I do. I do want to express myself. Ok? And I

don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it. (gives him the

finger) All right? There's my flair! And this is me expressing myself.

(holds up her hand) There it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn

job and I don't need it!!

She storms out.

[Scene An ATM machine. Peter gets out a receipt that says he has

$305,326.13]

[Scene Peter's car. Samir and Michael have obviously seen the

receipt.]

SAMIR:

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. Son of a b*tch! Sh*t! This is a - f***! Son of

a b*tch! Sh*t!

MICHAEL:

What happened?

PETER:

You tell me, Michael, it's your software!

SAMIR:

Yes, it's your software!

PETER:

Corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice 305, 3 (grabs the

receipt) 26.13!! Michael!!

MICHAEL:

Oh sh*t! They, they probably won't notice it's gone for another two or

three days.

PETER:

Michael! Michael! You said the thing was gonna take two years!

SAMIR:

What happened?!

PETER:

You said the thing was supposed to work.

MICHAEL:

Well, technically it did work.

PETER:

No it didn't!

SAMIR:

It did not work, Michael, ok?!

MICHAEL:

Ok! Ok!

SAMIR:

Ok?!

MICHAEL:

Ok! Ok! I must have, I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place

or something. Sh*t. I always do that. I always mess up some mundane

detail.

PETER:

Oh! What is this fairly mundane detail, Michael?!!!!!

MICHAEL:

Ok quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea,

a**hole.

PETER:

All right. Ok. All right. Let's try not to get pissed off at each

other, all right? We'll figure this thing out together, ok? And the

first thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it

gets any bigger.

[Scene Initech. It's Bill's 41st birthday. All the employees are

singing the birthday song to him in a flat monotone. He blows out the

candles and everyone claps.]

ALL:

Mmm. You look terrific. (etc

BILL:

All right, Kate, you wanna get everybody started there. (he gets a

slice of cake) Mmm. That is terrific. That is just terrific. I really,

really appreciate it.

A slice is handed to Milton.

NINA:

Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone

gets a piece.

MILTON:

Can I keep a piece? Because last time I was told that -

NINA:

Just pass.

He does so.

MILTON:

But this, this, it, it, it's a little cake...

Everyone gets a piece and Nina gets the last one. Milton has to watch

everyone enjoy their piece.

[Scene Peter's apartment. They're trying to figure out what to do.]

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