Office Space Page #9

SAMIR:

Is, is there a way to just give the money back?

PETER:

What? We just hand them a check with the exact amount they're missing?

I, I think they'd figure that out.

SAMIR:

Well, we have to do something.

MICHAEL:

May-maybe we launder the money.

PETER:

That's a great idea. Ok, how do we do that?

MICHAEL:

I don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. It's

something I think, I think coke dealers do.

PETER:

Ok. Do we know any coke dealers?

MICHAEL:

My, my cousin's a cokehead. We're in deep sh*t.

SAMIR:

Yes. We are in very, very deep sh*t.

[Scene Milton's new "office" - the basement. Bill enters with a piece

of cake.]

BILL:

Milton?

MILTON:

Yes.

BILL:

What's happening?

MILTON:

I wanted to see you because -

BILL:

Say, you know what would be a great idea?

MILTON:

No...no.

BILL:

Since you're already down here, it would be great if you could get a ca

of pesticipe and take care of the cockroach problem we've been having

in here.

MILTON:

I...I...that's really not my job and I haven't received my -

BILL:

For now, why don't you get a flashlight and a can of pesticide and -

Dom enters.

DOM:

Bill! We need you upstairs right away. Some major glitch in the

accounting. A lot of money missing.

They go upstairs and Bill turns off the light.

MILTON:

Excuse me? Excuse me? Ok, that's the last straw.

[Scene Peter's place. Michael is looking up "money laundering" in the

dictionary.]

MICHAEL:

LAUNDERING. TO CLEAN...NO, UH, HERE IT IS. TO CHANNEL MONEY THROUGH A

SOURCE OR BY AN INTERMEDIARY.

SAMIR:

It doesn't really help us, Michael.

PETER:

Ok. We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.

MICHAEL:

Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, ok?

PETER:

My girlfriend slept with Lumbergh, that's what I can't believe.

SAMIR:

Yeah, you didn't know that?

MICHAEL:

It happened two years before you moved to Atlanta.

PETER:

You mean, Ron Lumbergh, the airshow guy?

MICHAEL:

Yeah, who did you think she slept with, Bill? (He and Samir start

laughing) If she f***ed him, their children would have hooves!

PETER:

Ron's not related to Bill, is he?

Someone rings the doorbell.

MICHAEL:

Who is it?

He hides the checks while Peter goes to the door.

PETER:

Don't panic. It's probably just the mailman.

He opens the door.

STEVE:

MONOTONOUSLY) HELLO SIR. MY NAME IS STEVE. I CAME FROM A ROUGH AREA. I

USED TO BE ADDICTED TO CRACK BUT NOW I'M OFF AND TRYING TO STAY CLEAN.

PETER:

Ok.

STEVE:

That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

PETER:

No -

STEVE:

I was hoping you would help me out.

MICHAEL:

Wait, wait, wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?

STEVE:

Yes, but not anymore.

Cut to later. They've got Steve in an armchair, trying to get him to

help.

STEVE:

Look, I'm sorry. I do not know anything about money laundering.

MICHAEL:

Look, we're not asking you if you know about money laundering, we're

just trying to see if you can hook us up.

PETER:

He doesn't know anything, all right?

SAMIR:

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You just give us the name of

one drug dealer. I could talk to him. I have good networking skills.

STEVE:

NORMAL) I LIED. ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT ME BEING A CRACKHEAD WAS TO HELP

ME SELL MAGAZINES. I'M A SOFTWARE ENGINEER.

PETER:

You're a software engineer?!

SAMIR:

Working must be, must be very hard for you.

STEVE:

I made more money selling magazine subscriptions than I ever did

working at Initrode.

MICHAEL:

Huh? You worked at Initrode?

PETER:

You can't tell anybody about any of this stuff I told you. I mean, we

know a lot of the same people.

STEVE:

Actually, that all depends.

He holds up his clipboard.

Cut to later. Peter closes the door.

PETER:

What am I going to do with forty subscriptions to Vibe ?

MICHAEL:

I wish we had never done this. What are we going to do? You know what I

can't figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, Mafia

guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly

at it?

SAMIR:

We're new to it, though. If we had more experience -

MICHAEL:

No. No. Y'know what I think? I think we're screwed. There's evidence

all over that building to link it to us. Even if we could launder

money, I wouldn't want to. If we're caught while laundering money,

we're not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no. We're

gonna go to federal-reserve-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.

SAMIR:

I don't want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this?! I've

never done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren't thinking clearly

because you told us we were losing our jobs! And look at us now, we're,

we're worried about going to prison!

PETER:

Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.

SAMIR:

Ass. I'm going home. You are a very bad person, Peter.

Samir and Michael leave. Peter knocks on the wall.

PETER:

Lawrence! You awake?

LAWRENCE:

Yeah, man!

PETER:

You wanna come over?

LAWRENCE:

No thanks, man. I don't want you f***ing up my life too!

[Scene Peter's room. He dreams that they're in court, with Rob as their

lawyer.]

JUDGE:

And now the sentence for these heinous crimes committed against

Initech. I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton and Samir

Na...Ananajibad...to a term of no less than four years in federal-

pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. Peter Gibbons, you've lead a trite and

meaningless life. And you're a very bad person.

The judge bangs the gavel and Peter wakes up.

[Scene The living room. Peter is up, feverishly writing a confession.

He tears it out and puts it into an envelope with the checks.]

[Scene Flingers parking lot. Peter sits on the hood of his car, trying

to figure out what to do. Joanna comes out.]

JOANNA:

Hey.

PETER:

Hey. You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore.

JOANNA:

No, no, I got fired.

PETER:

What happened?

JOANNA:

I flipped off my boss. And some customers - actually a line just

happened to be standing there, so...

PETER:

I'm going to go away for awhile. Uh, to jail. Yea, about that computer

scam, you were right…it was a bad idea. I'm going to take the blame for

it, I decided. I'm going to return the money and leave the confession

under Lumbergh's door. Joanna, I wanna apologize. I had no right to get

pissed off at you, Lumbergh isn't my problem. It wasn't even the right

Lumbergh. I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy, like

I'm supposed to like everybody else.

JOANNA:

Peter, most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find

something that makes you happy.

PETER:

Yeah. I may never be happy with my job. But if I could be with you, I

think that I could be happy with my life. But if you could give it

another shot, I promise, Joanna -

JOANNA:

Oh shut up.

They hug and kiss.

BRIAN:

Hey, what's going on here? Get a room you two!

He makes an annoying noise and gives them the finger.

JOANNA:

I hate that guy.

[Scene Initech. Peter drives up.]

Cut to inside. Peter sticks the envelope under the door of William

Lumbergh, Division Vice President. He walks away but frantically runs

back and tries to get the envelope. He can't reach it and finally gives

up.

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