Office Uprising

---

1

For a hundred years,

one company has worked

with unparalleled vision

toward the continued

safety of our great nation:

Ammotech.

First, we changed the game

with the chain-fed machine gun,

- as well as Claymore landmines.

- (man screams)

Next we taught those Krauts

about another great American pastime:

the barbecue.

Ammotech.

The world's leading innovator

of weapons of mass protection.

Yes y'all yes, yes y'all

Start the party celebrate

I'm sick of nonsense

I wanna elevate

From a familiar feeling...

(horns honking)

I'm coming to the end of the line

Check my watch,

man, is it about time?

I need to move,

y'all, unrestrained

Come alive, I'm on the chain

(on car stereo) Do you

really wanna break...

Put your hands in the air

let me hear you say...

Clarence! Hey, listen, I'm super late

and can't find my gate pass anywhere.

I was hoping you could

just do me a favor and...

- I gotta have that pass.

- Yeah. Of course.

(whispering) Gate pass.

Gate pass. Gate pass.

Yeah, I got it. I got it. Uh...

The thing is, Clarence, I'm a

little disorganized this morning.

- I see, and

- and it's heartbreaking.

I got you a card on

your birthday, remember?

It had a cupcake running away

from a shitload of candles.

- Look, no pass, no entry. At least without TW

- 100 clearance form.

Dude, don't make me fill

out that one giant form...

- (banging on car door)

- No access to the premises without valid ID.

- Prohibited.

- Thanks, Clarence.

Next birthday, no card.

(snoring)

- (alarm blaring)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh. Hey. Brimble. Accounting.

- Accounting.

- Yeah. I know.

Okay. Thanks, Tony.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

- (elevator chimes)

- Woman (automated): Door is open.

- Dezzy Des.

- Sammy Sam.

Once again fighting a

losing battle with Mondays.

Once again busting my balls.

Well, somebody has to do it. You

haven't been on time for anything since...

(inhales sharply)

- ...ever

- Not true.

2012. NYU. Totally on time

for your graduation ceremony.

After you went out the

night before and got so drunk

that you puked during my speech.

Don't take that as a criticism.

It was a brilliant speech.

Ever think that maybe my problem here

is that I'm just not being

properly incentivized?

Of course you are. You get

to hang out with me every day.

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

So you can at least try to be on time.

- (elevator bell dings)

- Uh, thanks.

My gift to you.

Helen, I'll need to remain undisturbed

throughout my meetings today.

Also, excellently tidy workspace.

Love the lipstick.

I'll take my green juice in five minutes.

(ringing)

- Hello?

- Man (on phone): Good morning, Desmond.

Step into my office, please.

Sure thing, Mr. Nusbaum.

Helen, hi. No, no, no. Please don't get up.

Don't get up. Don't get... Oh.

Really, I could get the door myself if...

(sighs)

You know, it's really not the

assistant's job to do that.

Anymore.

That's very kind of you, and thank you.

Thanks for walking me.

That was great. Thank you.

- Morning.

- You're late.

Uh, yeah. I ran into some

trouble at the guard gate and...

Yes, I've noticed that tardiness is

a recurring motif in your life,

- but actually I don't care.

- Hmm.

I've called you in here

regarding the merger.

- Merger?

- Yes.

Merger, as in to merge,

connect, conjoin, couple or harness.

- Who are we merger

- ing with?

- Altria.

- The cluster bomb guys.

No, that would be Benevolencia.

Altria makes the VX gas,

weaponized anthrax, and of course...

the all-terrain jet ski.

Boy, they've had a great year.

We might get a leg up

on them if we develop

an all-terrain jet ski that

shoots weaponized anthrax.

- Possible. I'll e

- mail Development.

By the by, R and D has

been banging down my door

regarding the Clayton report.

Now, what is the ETA on that exactly?

On its way.

Excellent. Well, whichever

of those is your best foot,

I suggest you put it forward, Desmond,

because I can assure you that not all of us

are going to be here

at the end of the week.

Goodbye.

(telephone ringing)

(whispering) Desmond.

Psst.

Desmond.

You get fired or what?

Not as far as I know.

I got a cousin at Altria.

They already laid off half

of their accounting staff.

You know what that means.

Half of us are going, too.

- (chair rattling)

- It's already started.

Meg's desk is empty. Heard

she got axed last night.

Worst part. Her severance package:

an Ammotech T-shirt.

- (scoffs) A f***ing - shirt?

My Uncle Usef warned me about this.

He said America is nothing

but downsizing, heart disease,

and billboards that give you an

unnatural desire for white women.

- Why did I not listen?

- Why did I not listen?

- I keep saying that to myself.

- I was told not to work here.

- Guys. Hey!

- (overlapping conversation)

Relax, okay.

We don't know for sure,

so let's just assume

everything's gonna be fine,

and hey, if it does happen,

you know what they say:

When one door opens, another door closes.

What?

I got that backwards. When one door...

See you, b*tches.

Hey, Lentworth.

No offense, but... but

you're really f***ing old,

and nobody really knows

what you do here anyway,

so if anyone's gonna go, it's gonna be you

or Johnny Jihadi over here.

(chuckles) Marcus, the racist,

moronic statements you're making

are no match for the wall of serenity

I've created around myself.

You know what I really miss, Mohammed?

Wearing my shoes at the airport.

One, uh, my name is Mourad, okay.

And two, I grew up in Jakarta,

which is a long way from the Middle East,

- and three, for the billionth...

- You're a pacifist,

one who just happens to

work at a weapons company.

- Come on.

- I have student loans.

Yeah, whatever. If the ax is gonna fall,

it's gonna fall on one of you b*tches.

Now, me, I'm co-deputy regional manager.

I'll probably be promoted.

Well, it helps that

you're Mr. Gantt's nephew,

That's true. So who's it gonna be?

Well, I...

I can't get fired. I got

a... I got a mortgage,

alimony, two kids in college.

Viagra's a fortune. Oh, God.

I'm so screwed.

- I am so screwed.

- (keys jingling)

See, what you need to

do is you just grab a key

and you stab someone's

ass to death with it.

(laughing)

That's the only way

you're gonna keep a job.

- Make a choice.

- (phone beeps)

Nusbaum (on phone): Lentworth.

- Step into my office, please.

- Ooh, too late.

(Marcus laughing)

I think my old boss

is still at Fishsticks.

- I can still make fish.

- Good luck.

(sighs)

- (phone rings)

- Woman (on phone): Dr. Frohm. Line 1.

Frohm:
Hey, Mr. Corn to Sean Penis.

- Hello?

- It's Dr. Frohm.

- Get your ass down to R and D right now.

- (hangs up)

Desmond:
How to survive

a day at Ammotech.

One. Always have a clipboard in hand.

The busier you look, the

more invisible you become.

- Hey, Des, uh...

- Step two.

If you get cornered, know the lingo.

Desmond!

We got a problem with our

purchase orders over in R and D.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes