Office Uprising Page #2
- Year:
- 2018
- 501 Views
I can totally get you
those CPCs. Just draft an RFP
and we can reconvene
AEOD for some THC. Cool?
Sure.
THC?
All right, let's start
pissing brain juice.
Sloganball time. Maxwell.
- The M26 Mega
- Taser.
50,000 volts of stopping power.
Nice slogan. Sloganize me, Bertrand.
Uh, M26. It will zap until you crap.
- Man 1:
Yeah.- Man 2:
Hear! Hear!Desmond:
Three. Whenothers try to pull you in,
do not give them anything useful
or they'll expect it every time.
Desmond!
Sloganize me.
Uh, sure.
(inhales sharply)
The M26 Mega-Taser.
A lot more gentle than a Glock.
- Woman:
I don't...- Man:
Yes.- It's kinda medium.
- Man:
Good try, man.Not the best idea I've
ever heard, but okay.
- Man:
Go back to the mailroom, you loser.- (groans)
- It's a bad idea.
- Bob:
Unless you want me to hire this moron,start coming up with real ideas.
Desmond:
Four.Remember, the higher the office,
the bigger the douchebag.
(elevator bell dings)
Take the sales dudes for example.
- The V
- 22 will turn that target into toothpaste.
Very good choice, my friend. See you soon.
Boom! I just f***ed that clown in the ass.
What's up, Hofnagle? Let me
show you how I just did that.
USA! USA!
America! Woo!
- This is what winning feels like.
- (cheering)
Woman (automated): At Ammotech,
we make weapons of mass protection.
Desmond:
Five. When processing orders,remember, you are the one in power.
Does it really take this long
to get an order processed by you, Desmond?
It's been over a month,
and I still don't have
that boron silicate hydroxide I want.
When did we, uh, get the robot?
Robots don't have people in them.
This is an XL-9 Patrol Suit.
One of six fully operational models.
First-ever green tech.
Runs solely on organic material.
So when people think
Ammotech, they'll think,
"Friend to the environment."
Oh, I don't care about the environment.
What I do care about is that
if we're up in the Afghan hills
and this thing runs out of gas,
I can just grab an armadillo,
throw it in the back, and continue
to rain hell down on the hajjis.
Actually, armadillos are only
found in Central and North America.
I did a paper on them in high school.
And did you know they can hold
their breath for up to six minutes?
I give zero fucks about
I want those purchase orders double-timed.
Do you understand me?
They're vital to a product
that we are working on.
Got it?
Great. Thanks, bud.
Oh, um, I wouldn't stand
there if I were you.
Why?
(beeping, whirring)
(laughs)
Frohm:
Oh, sh*t.What?
Desmond:
I didn't havebut I just thought of it
and it's pretty important,
so let's call it 5B.
If someone's a dick, you have the option
with your hidden accounting superpower:
Losing the paperwork.
- Man:
I said it's not ready.- Frohm:
Look,you're not in charge and it's not your job.
Do you understand?
(indistinct announcement on PA)
What are you looking at, fucknuts?
Get that order in.
Sure thing, Doc.
Desmond:
Six.To minimize job stress,
practice your breathing techniques.
(soothing music playing)
(coughs, laughs)
(bong gurgling)
Anyway... they shot
a pig with the mech suit
and now I'm, like...
wearing some of it.
(both laughing)
I thought that was a
design on your shirt.
(coughing) I'm okay.
I'm okay.
(clears throat)
To being newly...
(laughing) ...unemployed.
- Yeah!
- (sniggers)
F*** this place, man.
My God, this guy.
(Lentworth coughing)
Desmond:
This bringus to our final entry,
number seven.
Work on your own sh*t at work.
Every one of us could
get shitcanned tomorrow,
working on your fallback plan.
William Faulkner wrote one of his books
using a wheelbarrow as a desk
while working on some graveyard shift.
Me, I've been designing a video game app.
Basically a continuous runner
where a guy who is stoned,
and remains stoned,
is looking for munchies,
and if he reaches the end,
him and his girlfriend...
You know what?
I shouldn't be pitching it right now.
It's still in the design stage.
(phone ringing)
Accounting. Hope you're having
a blessed day. How may I help you?
(on phone) This is
Adam Nusbaum speaking.
I've just now noticed
the sign on my door reads
A. Nusbaum.
Why did no one bring
this to my attention?
Desmond, I assure you
this would be a lot funnier
if your voice even remotely
resembled Mr. Nusbaum's.
(imitating Nusbaum) I think
you're working way too hard.
Take a moment and kick back.
- Jesus.
- I'm hungry.
Are you hungry? We should order pizza.
I'd very much like to do my work.
We'll split one. In honor
of this shitty day, I'll buy.
Okay, you can't do that.
Employees can no longer
make outgoing calls.
- Do you ever read any e-mails?
- What?
- Call center. How can I help you?
- Hi.
Why do you exist?
Woman:
Excuse me?Why do I have to go through
you to call out somewhere?
Due to the number of personal
calls made on company time,
we've been put in as
a cost-cutting measure.
Oh. In order to cut costs,
they created a brand-new department?
Yes.
- Can I order a pizza?
- Woman:
No.Have a nice day.
- This is an outrage.
- Will you stop, okay.
Seriously. Listen, I know you don't care
if you lose this job, but I do.
Okay? If you hate this
place so much, just quit.
Let someone else who
wants a job keep theirs.
I don't want to lose my job.
This is the best job in the world.
Look, I get all the free
coffee I can consume,
full health and dental, and
I get to work on my game.
- Oh, Stoner Snatch?
- That was the working title,
but it's now Bake... and Take.
You've been working
on it for three years.
And it shows, brother. It shows.
I mean, the detail,
Mo. I mean, seriously...
Oh, I think you stay
for a different reason.
- Wendy?
- Mo:
No."Dezzy Des. Sammy Sam."
Samantha? (scoffs)
- Please.
- (imitates scoff)
(both snort)
Dude, we grew up
together. She's my homie.
And besides, we have a deal.
Oh, what's the deal?
I'm bad with relationships,
so why risk ruining a good friendship?
Okay, but don't you want sex?
I have sex.
How? You're not in a relationship.
I have sex with women I'm
not in a relationship with.
God, I wish I had your face.
- What?
- Nothing.
Never mind. Go... fix your hair.
(beeping on PA system)
Nusbaum:
Would everyone please reportto the 4:
00 p.m. motivational seminar?- Thank you.
- Mo:
Get up.(chattering)
I heard your department
was a slaughterhouse today?
Don't worry. I dodged the meat grinder.
to mail it in another day.
Okay, can you just listen
like an adult for ten seconds?
- Okay.
- (sighs)
I know you'd rather be playing Mario Kart,
but if you get fired,
that makes me look bad.
So do me a favor, okay.
No more f***ing up.
You got it. No
more f***-up-ery.
I'm setting an alarm as a little reminder
to come by my office tomorrow
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"Office Uprising" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/office_uprising_15108>.
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