Office Uprising Page #2

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I can totally get you

those CPCs. Just draft an RFP

and we can reconvene

AEOD for some THC. Cool?

Sure.

THC?

All right, let's start

pissing brain juice.

Sloganball time. Maxwell.

- The M26 Mega

- Taser.

50,000 volts of stopping power.

Nice slogan. Sloganize me, Bertrand.

Uh, M26. It will zap until you crap.

- Man 1:
Yeah.

- Man 2:
Hear! Hear!

Desmond:
Three. When

others try to pull you in,

do not give them anything useful

or they'll expect it every time.

Desmond!

Sloganize me.

Uh, sure.

(inhales sharply)

The M26 Mega-Taser.

A lot more gentle than a Glock.

- Woman:
I don't...

- Man:
Yes.

- It's kinda medium.

- Man:
Good try, man.

Not the best idea I've

ever heard, but okay.

- Man:
Go back to the mailroom, you loser.

- (groans)

- It's a bad idea.

- Bob:
Unless you want me to hire this moron,

start coming up with real ideas.

Desmond:
Four.

Remember, the higher the office,

the bigger the douchebag.

(elevator bell dings)

Take the sales dudes for example.

- The V

- 22 will turn that target into toothpaste.

Very good choice, my friend. See you soon.

Boom! I just f***ed that clown in the ass.

What's up, Hofnagle? Let me

show you how I just did that.

USA! USA!

America! Woo!

- This is what winning feels like.

- (cheering)

Woman (automated): At Ammotech,

we make weapons of mass protection.

Desmond:
Five. When processing orders,

remember, you are the one in power.

Does it really take this long

to get an order processed by you, Desmond?

It's been over a month,

and I still don't have

that boron silicate hydroxide I want.

When did we, uh, get the robot?

Robots don't have people in them.

This is an XL-9 Patrol Suit.

One of six fully operational models.

First-ever green tech.

Runs solely on organic material.

So when people think

Ammotech, they'll think,

"Friend to the environment."

Oh, I don't care about the environment.

What I do care about is that

if we're up in the Afghan hills

and this thing runs out of gas,

I can just grab an armadillo,

throw it in the back, and continue

to rain hell down on the hajjis.

Actually, armadillos are only

found in Central and North America.

I did a paper on them in high school.

And did you know they can hold

their breath for up to six minutes?

I give zero fucks about

what you're saying right now.

I want those purchase orders double-timed.

Do you understand me?

They're vital to a product

that we are working on.

Got it?

Great. Thanks, bud.

Oh, um, I wouldn't stand

there if I were you.

Why?

(beeping, whirring)

(laughs)

Frohm:
Oh, sh*t.

What?

Desmond:
I didn't have

an official number for this,

but I just thought of it

and it's pretty important,

so let's call it 5B.

If someone's a dick, you have the option

of making their life hell

with your hidden accounting superpower:

Losing the paperwork.

- Man:
I said it's not ready.

- Frohm:
Look,

you're not in charge and it's not your job.

Do you understand?

(indistinct announcement on PA)

What are you looking at, fucknuts?

Get that order in.

Sure thing, Doc.

Desmond:
Six.

To minimize job stress,

practice your breathing techniques.

(soothing music playing)

(coughs, laughs)

(bong gurgling)

Anyway... they shot

a pig with the mech suit

and now I'm, like...

wearing some of it.

(both laughing)

I thought that was a

design on your shirt.

(coughing) I'm okay.

I'm okay.

(clears throat)

To being newly...

(laughing) ...unemployed.

- Yeah!

- (sniggers)

F*** this place, man.

My God, this guy.

(Lentworth coughing)

Desmond:
This bring

us to our final entry,

number seven.

Work on your own sh*t at work.

Every one of us could

get shitcanned tomorrow,

so spend a little time

working on your fallback plan.

William Faulkner wrote one of his books

using a wheelbarrow as a desk

while working on some graveyard shift.

Me, I've been designing a video game app.

Basically a continuous runner

where a guy who is stoned,

and remains stoned,

is looking for munchies,

and if he reaches the end,

him and his girlfriend...

You know what?

I shouldn't be pitching it right now.

It's still in the design stage.

(phone ringing)

Accounting. Hope you're having

a blessed day. How may I help you?

(on phone) This is

Adam Nusbaum speaking.

I've just now noticed

the sign on my door reads

A. Nusbaum.

Why did no one bring

this to my attention?

Desmond, I assure you

this would be a lot funnier

if your voice even remotely

resembled Mr. Nusbaum's.

(imitating Nusbaum) I think

you're working way too hard.

Take a moment and kick back.

- Jesus.

- I'm hungry.

Are you hungry? We should order pizza.

I'd very much like to do my work.

We'll split one. In honor

of this shitty day, I'll buy.

Okay, you can't do that.

Employees can no longer

make outgoing calls.

- Do you ever read any e-mails?

- What?

- Call center. How can I help you?

- Hi.

Why do you exist?

Woman:
Excuse me?

Why do I have to go through

you to call out somewhere?

Due to the number of personal

calls made on company time,

we've been put in as

a cost-cutting measure.

Oh. In order to cut costs,

they created a brand-new department?

Yes.

- Can I order a pizza?

- Woman:
No.

Have a nice day.

- This is an outrage.

- Will you stop, okay.

Seriously. Listen, I know you don't care

if you lose this job, but I do.

Okay? If you hate this

place so much, just quit.

Let someone else who

wants a job keep theirs.

I don't want to lose my job.

This is the best job in the world.

Look, I get all the free

coffee I can consume,

full health and dental, and

I get to work on my game.

- Oh, Stoner Snatch?

- That was the working title,

but it's now Bake... and Take.

You've been working

on it for three years.

And it shows, brother. It shows.

I mean, the detail,

Mo. I mean, seriously...

Oh, I think you stay

for a different reason.

- Wendy?

- Mo:
No.

"Dezzy Des. Sammy Sam."

Samantha? (scoffs)

- Please.

- (imitates scoff)

(both snort)

Dude, we grew up

together. She's my homie.

And besides, we have a deal.

Oh, what's the deal?

I'm bad with relationships,

so why risk ruining a good friendship?

Okay, but don't you want sex?

I have sex.

How? You're not in a relationship.

I have sex with women I'm

not in a relationship with.

God, I wish I had your face.

- What?

- Nothing.

Never mind. Go... fix your hair.

(beeping on PA system)

Nusbaum:
Would everyone please report

to the 4:
00 p.m. motivational seminar?

- Thank you.

- Mo:
Get up.

(chattering)

I heard your department

was a slaughterhouse today?

Don't worry. I dodged the meat grinder.

Desmond Brimble shall live

to mail it in another day.

Okay, can you just listen

like an adult for ten seconds?

- Okay.

- (sighs)

I know you'd rather be playing Mario Kart,

but if you get fired,

that makes me look bad.

So do me a favor, okay.

No more f***ing up.

You got it. No

more f***-up-ery.

I'm setting an alarm as a little reminder

to come by my office tomorrow

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