Office Uprising Page #3

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and tell me how impressed

Nusbaum is with your report!

Count on it.

Woman:
Ladies and gentlemen...

- it is my great honor...

- Love you, Des.

...to introduce Ammotech CEO

Franklin Gantt.

(applause and cheering)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

(clears throat)

I know many of you are asking yourselves...

Why are we having a motivational seminar

when we're laying off 40

percent of our workforce?

Gantt:
...the best defense

manufacturer on the planet,

and I say to you, you are...

- I gotta go.

- Where are you going?

I have a report to

finish. Start, actually.

Don't leave us here with

these people, man. F***.

Gantt:
...our history of great products.

And now, onto our newest product,

Zolt, it will awaken the warrior within.

But first things first. Who's thirsty?

I've got a list of accolades

and I don't have to say

And I ain't talkin' now, I'm

talkin' way back in the day

Add it up to now for real

it's still nothin' to me

I'm finna top that

man, I got that, y'all...

(men humming, shouting)

Man:
Hey, go, go, go, go!

Oh, Sam!

Sam! (laughs)

Des, what up?

Whoa, you're off early. What,

did you finally quit, hmm?

No. Actually, I recommitted myself to it.

- (all laughing)

- Yeah, right.

Well, someone's gotta

pay the rent around here.

I told you, I will pay rent

once my lawsuit check comes in.

Those fucks at the

Make-A-Wish Foundation

cannot hide from me.

Always fighting the good fight, Fred.

(belches)

Hey, come play Mario Kart with us.

Dude, I'm telling you, I got

a report due in the morning,

I've been putting it off

all week, I gotta focus.

Man:
Get your ass up

and quit being a p*ssy.

- Let's go.

- Yeah, you're being a p*ssy.

Pussies are tough, Freddy.

They can take a pummeling and spit out

an entirely new human being.

- Never thought of it like that.

- That's weird.

Fred:
We'll see you outside, huh?

(all cheering)

Nope. Not gonna happen.

Come on. Let's go out back.

(door opens, closes)

(dog whimpers)

(panting)

- Battle mode!

- (laughing)

(yelling)

Hang on, bud.

P*ssy! P*ssy!

Tell me this is not the

greatest Tuesday ever!

It's Monday. What the f***?

Who gives a sh*t, b*tch?

(all shouting, laughing)

Fred:
Move your f***ing ass, Luigi!

Losing is not an option!

- Oh, sh*t!

- You son of a b*tch!

(snoring)

(birds chirping)

(alarm beeping)

- (computer beeping)

- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No.

No. No! F***!

(muttering) Pass...

Gate pass, gate pass, gate pass, gate pass.

(tires squealing)

Brimble. Accounting.

Thanks, Tony.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Nusbaum:
Brimble. My office.

- Now.

- Sure thing, Mr. Nusbaum.

(whirring)

- (inhales deeply)

- (knocking on door, door opens)

What is that stuff? I saw

them making it down in R and D.

I heard a report on

the news today, Desmond,

about villagers in Africa who are so poor

that they have resorted to eating pancakes

made of fried dirt.

Have you heard about this?

I missed that one.

Dirt, Desmond,

fried... dirt, and it got me thinking.

Do you know who has a lot of dirt?

We do.

We could make our own

pancakes out of fried dirt,

export them to these poor, poor people

- for pennies on the dollar...

- (pencil sharpener whirring)

...and get a great

contract with the Red Cross.

(moans)

(sniffs)

Whoa!

- That's...

- Was Jerry Solomon.

Decent supervisor, but unfortunately,

his weight indicated a certain lack

of impulse control.

Did you know that type II diabetes

is one of the biggest drains

on corporate healthcare?

Also, his spelling was atrocious.

- Uh...

- (laughing) Errors everywhere.

He had to go. (laughs)

- Uh, I... I should...

- Let me read your report.

I think I need a little more time.

(shushing)

Paragraph three. You

make very creative use

of the word...

"whom."

"Whom?"

As in the objective in relation

to the subjective pronoun "who."

Right, i.e., "With whom are

you going to the movies?"

- (shouting) E.g.!

- What?

E.g., Brimble, not i.e.

I.e. means id est, which

is Latin for "in other words."

E.g. means exempli gratia,

which is Latin for "for example."

Why is this so hard to understand?

This is not

f-f-f-f... (stuttering)

...f***ing string theory!

I get it. I get it. Reread it.

It says, "With whom does

our company compete?"

That's correct, yeah?

My mistake.

- Thank you.

- Except...

you did spell my name incorrectly.

What? N-U-S-B... What?

(stammering) -So, Desmond.

- I can't have... What the f*** are you talking about?

- (bones cracking)

I'm afraid that we're

going to have to let you go.

No, no, no, no! (screams)

(grunts)

Desmond, don't be too sad.

- We do have a killer severance package.

- (all growling)

- Oh, sh*t! Oh!

- (growling)

(snarling)

What the f***?

Carter.

You have any idea what the hell's going on?

- We gotta get out of here.

- Go away.

I'm working!

(gulping)

(grunting)

Okay. I'm gone.

Just keep pounding away and I'll...

(growling softly)

- I didn't have that saved.

- Oh.

That's terrible, man.

Maybe we could, um, check autosave?

Might be a backup somewhere?

Forget it. I'll retype it for you.

- No, no, no, no! Don't!

- (shouts)

(both grunting)

Are you okay? Oh, sh*t.

(shouts)

Carter, wait! (grunts)

(snarling)

(gasping)

(line rings)

Ammotech. How may I direct your call?

Desmond:
Help me.

They're trying to kill me.

Put me through to 911.

Where are you calling from, sir?

Desmond:
I'm in a safe place.

- Now put me through to the cops.

- Woman:
One moment, sir.

Just let me check with my supervisor.

Desmond:
No, no, no.

You don't understand.

I'm stuck on the fourth

floor with a bunch of psychos.

They got a hold of this green

sh*t that was not really...

Sir, company policy prohibits

any outside calls without

appropriate clearance.

You don't need to check with

anyone. Just f***ing do it.

Sir, company policy

prohibits abusive language.

If you'll consult the employee

manuals, it's all right there.

Okay, I'm sorry. Please, just

do whatever it is you need to do,

- then put me through to the cops.

- Sir, company policy...

Shut the f*** up!

- (screams)

- (line disconnects)

(sighs)

(growling)

(screaming)

We need catchphrases! Hit me!

Hit me!

Zolt. You'll like it,

or I'll rip out your f***ing spine!

(all cheering)

Beautiful. Give it to me.

Zolt! You will like it,

or I will barbecue your children

while sodomizing the family dog!

- (cheering)

- I like it!

Decapitation's the way to go, guys.

Lucky bastard probably

didn't even feel a thing.

- Desmond!

- (gasps)

(screams)

Sloganize me.

(all chanting) Sloganize. Sloganize.

Sloganize. Sloganize.

Sloganize. Sloganize.

Sloganize.

Zolt. It's green...

uh...

and strong?

(all murmuring)

Strong.

(snarling)

- Uh, now with taurine.

- (snarling stops)

That is kind of okay. It's a little okay.

It's a little f***ing stupid, but okay.

That's good.

Next!

(alarm beeping)

Oh, sh*t. Sam.

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***.

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