Office Uprising Page #4

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F***. F***. F***.

(pop music playing over earphones)

(shouting in distance)

Thank God you're all right.

Wow. What got into you last night?

Come on. We have to leave.

This place is full of lunatics.

- Are you high?

- No.

- No.

- Okay.

Whatever it is, clearly nothing I said

got through to you yesterday.

Okay. Listen. I get you

want to save this place,

but this place is beyond f***ing saving.

Now come on. Let's go.

- Let go!

- Whoa!

Des, are you okay?

How many of those have you had?

This?

Um... like half.

Wait, wait. Wait.

I just wanted to, uh, taste it.

Okay. Well, get your own.

They're all over the building.

Now, I have a lot of work to

do, and I'm really behind, so...

You spilled my Zolt.

(Desmond screams)

Whoa. That was like falling

asleep behind the wheel.

What are you doing on the floor?

Uh, I'll explain once we

get the f*** out of here.

You broke my picture!

Sh*t!

(screaming)

I'm gonna f*** you

like the best man at my sister's wedding!

Whose wedding? Jenny's?

- Oh, my God!

- (hoarse voice) Dezzy Des.

- I know you want this.

- Um, Sam...

I've seen the way you look at me.

You're not wrong. Busted.

But maybe not right now.

Shut up and take it, slut!

Oh, God! No...

(screams)

(Sam growling)

You're psycho!

You're crazy. Get off me.

- (snarling)

- Oh, my God!

(grunts)

Sam?

Samantha?

Okay, I'm really sorry

about all this stuff that just went down,

but I swear, I'm gonna

get you out of here, okay.

(panting, grunting)

- Des.

- (shouts)

Plan B.

(snoring)

What the hell's going on?

I'm getting us the hell out of here.

- That's what's going on.

- On a furniture dolly?

Here's a pink pillow.

Desmond.

Get me off of here right now.

I can't. You'll attack me.

Or sexually harass me, or both,

which sends a really mixed message.

Sexually har... I did

not sexually harass you.

I'm not... I am completely

in control of myself.

And this is a very impractical

solution, by the way.

Desmond. Hey! Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I'm fine.

I'm gonna slice off your

nipples and put them on a pizza!

Pepperoni!

Listen to me. This is just wrong.

- I don't even feel remotely safe like this.

- Oh, sh*t.

Hello?

Are you listening to me?

Bob:
Look what you made me do!

Look what you made me do!

Look what Zolt made me do!

That's what we're gonna be singing.

(Desmond panting)

Bob:
Sing to me now! Come on!

And sloganize!

Attention, Ammotech employees!

As some of you may have noticed,

our company is undergoing a regime change.

Jesus, he's putting a

whole f***ing mob together.

Sam:
My butt itches!

Please, be quiet. Okay?

(thudding)

What was that noise?

(screaming)

(both screaming)

(screaming)

(hoarse voice) Stop!

Mo?

Have you had any Zolt?

It's Ramadan.

Rama...

(normal voice) It's Ramadan.

I'm fasting, idiot.

Oh. Right. Shiva and all that stuff.

Shiva is the god of

death. That's Hinduism.

- Where did you go to school?

- Shh!

Come on.

(creaking softly)

Nusbaum:
Now, there's only

room for one man to be in charge,

so I'm going to need you and your people

to get on board with me.

You want us to get on board with you?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

(bones cracking)

I'm detecting a little

hostility there, Bobby.

And we both know that's not very conducive

to a creative team atmosphere, now is it?

- My lips are chapped!

- Shh!

- (muffled yelling)

- (door closes)

- Shut her up.

- (shouting continues)

What the hell is wrong with her?

- She drank a half a can of Zolt...

- (growling)

...and now whenever something

even mildly irritates her,

- she gets a little...

- (growls)

- ...prickly.

- (growling)

Prickly? You call that prickly?

Look, if she's had any of that stuff,

she's a zombie mutant

psycho like the rest of them.

And we need to...

You... You need to...

What?

...slice her throat open.

Or, you know, stab her in

the stomach or something.

- Listen, anyone who lays a finger on her is... Oh!

- (bones crunch)

- Shh!

- (muffled yelling)

Stab her. Stab her.

- Are you crazy?

- Shh!

Bob:
Let me ask you a question.

What the f*** has

Accounting done lately, huh?

Did you do the campaign that sold

30,000 automatic shotguns to Blackwater?

No! We did!

How about the Nukey The

Talking Warhead campaign?

Nope! We did that, too!

How about Stack-the-Iraqi

board game? Now for children.

Oh, nope, that was us, too!

How about my personal favorite,

the Agent Orange Soda campaign?

Ding! Ding! Ding! That was us, too!

Adver-f***ing-tising!

See, we make reality out of...

(blows) ...nothing.

(slurping)

Mmm.

Now...

be a good girl and recycle this.

Would you like to see me make a reality...

out of nothing...

Robert?

Oh, please.

(all gasping)

Now, who amongst you is responsible

for the Agent Orange Soda campaign?

(all growling)

I hate you and your work.

Everyone, kill those two and you may live.

- (screaming)

- Welcome aboard!

What the f*** just happened?

Which part? The part where

Nusbaum took over Marketing

by killing Bob with a soda can

or the part where you

almost bit my finger off?

What? Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

No. It's not okay.

You were in a weird place at the time.

- I feel really terrible.

- I've been bitten by bigger...

- I'm not gonna...

- Yeah, it was really f***ed up

and definitely not okay,

but we have to go right now.

Is this your blood?

Okay, okay, so this

is what we're gonna do.

Okay, we're gonna take her

down the stairs, we're gonna...

we're gonna steal a car,

we're gonna call the police

and then have them call the National Guard.

(growling and shouting)

- Elevator?

- Both:
Elevator.

Desmond:
(grunting) Okay.

(screams) Oh, my God!

Does anyone else have

to use the bathroom?

Yeah. I do.

Okay. Good. Me too.

(beeps)

Woman (automated voice): Doors open.

Going down.

Seventh, sixth, fifth,

fourth... second, first.

- (crashing)

- (all scream)

We are experiencing minor

technical difficulties.

Uh, ventilation shaft?

Uh, ventilation shaft.

Yeah.

Please... (garbled) elevator.

(grunts) This isn't gonna work.

Ow! So not gonna work!

Motherfuckers, get me out of

here before I kill you both!

- New plan?

- You think?

- (screams)

- Jesus.

I don't even wanna think

about how that happened.

- Should we help him?

- Sam:
Okay. Un-tape me.

Okay, that's never gonna happen.

- I can be helpful.

- Oh, really?

- How can you be helpful?

- I-I-I...

- There's no way you can be helpful.

- I was cranky before

because you bumped my head three times...

I said shut up! Do you guys wanna end up

with your gallbladder coming out your anus?

No.

I'm getting us out of here, okay.

Oh, yeah, and what's your plan, huh?

The staircase is blocked,

the phones are out,

- there's no elev...

- Wait!

You know what the shortest

distance between two points is?

A line?

It's a hole.

No! No! No!

(screams)

(PA chimes)

Woman (automated): Emergency

Safety Seal activated.

This building is now

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