Office Uprising Page #5

---

under Threat-Con Level 4.

All employees, remain calm

and report to subsector B

for further instruction.

What the f*** is this?

Next-gen

anti-terror system.

Armored shutters and bulletproof glass

to safeguard against rocket attacks.

- We're locked in.

- Sam:
It was spelled out clearly

in the Employee Training

Booklet. Didn't you read it?

Of course I read it.

I skimmed it.

(groaning)

Now I see why you didn't want me

to throw the thing at the window.

Mo:
No! I didn't want you to

throw the thing at the window,

and I didn't want you

to almost get us killed,

and I definitely didn't

want you to do anything

that the pot-sponge-you-call

a-brain processes as helping us.

Mo! Shush!

Desmond could have left,

but he didn't. Okay.

So stop being an a**hole.

Now...

how do we get the security seal open?

[Uh... (groans]

Only top management has the

codes to reopen the seal.

Great! So we just go

find those guys up in...

The executive level.

That means we gotta go through...

- (shouting)

- (gunshots)

Okay. We're f***ed.

- You think?

- Mm-hmm.

(snarling)

- (growling)

- (woman screams)

(man screams)

How do we do this?

The second they see us, we're history.

Uh, we could pretend to

be crazy mutant psychos

like the rest of them.

I like your idea. How?

Desmond:
Just say stuff

that makes you really mad.

Oh, I was born to do this.

Mo:
Hairy asses!

Sam:
Jennifer Lawrence at an awards show.

I can't eat cheese!

Men with Botox!

Dig deeper. Dig deeper.

My father touched me!

- Too deep!

- Homework!

Justin Bieber on a Segway!

(screaming)

- It's clear. Let's go.

- Okay.

(woman screams)

Samantha:
What?

Oh, my God.

Is that Helen?

Oh, this actually makes me kind of sad.

- (snarling)

- Mo:
Why hasn't she retired yet?

- In this economy? Mm

- mm.

Looks like she's got

arthritis in her hips.

Oh, my Uncle Usef had that.

You should try getting him baked.

I am not gonna get my uncle baked.

- Okay.

- (Helen growls)

Desmond:
Sh*t.

Okay, look, what do we do?

I guess we could, uh...

We could wheel around

her. Wheel around her.

I can't. She's got too much of a reach.

Sam:
Oh, God, f***.

We gotta do something.

- (growling continues)

- Hold on!

(grunts)

Uh... You just hit

an 80-year-old lady

over the head with a potted plant?

- Yes, but in, like, self

- defense.

- Oh, yeah? Self

- defense? What was she gonna do?

- Gum us to death?

- She has teeth!

- Yeah, that she can't use.

- She can!

Guys!

Where the hell did she go?

- (snarling)

- (screaming)

(shouting in Hindi)

(yelps)

I can't believe I just did that.

It was an accident.

You just wall-butted

an 80-year-old lady

in the face on accident.

Yes. No. I-I-I

don't know.

No! Oh, my God!

It's kind of heroic, as far

as beating up the elderly goes.

- Is she okay?

- Sam:
No, she's not.

You're both terrible people.

- But...

- (Helen whimpering)

...we have to get through HR.

- I can't do this. I can't...

- Yes, you can.

- They are nice ladies.

- Great.

(Helen gurgling)

- (woman screaming)

- (all cheering, shouting)

Okay!

That is why we do not send

work e-mails with emoticons!

Oh, God. Human Resources is

a pack of rabid koala bears.

Oh, yeah. Sexy, slutty koala bears,

in their natural habitat.

Back to work.

Hey. Notice how they've all

been stabbed in the back?

- What are you saying?

- Nothing. Just, you know...

Nothing? Just, you know,

because HR is basically all women,

it automatically makes us

a bunch of backstabbers?

Okay, first off, HR is not all women.

Look, there's a guy right

there. Oh, sh*t! It's Lentworth!

- E

- Excuse me.

Uh, I gotta pick up my check.

- Lentworth!

- Lentworth!

- Lentworth:
Hello?

- Lentworth!

Oh, hi...

Oh, God.

(women growling)

I...

see a lot of familiar faces.

I know you. Remember

I asked you out when...

I got divorced and...

Oh.

Get back!

I mean it, get back! I'll use it!

(growling continues)

(whimpering)

Nusbaum (on PA system):

Attention, Human Resources.

This is Adam Nusbaum from Accounting.

Just a reminder about

the Accounting-HR meeting

starting momentarily

in the conference room.

(mouthing words)

We'll be covering such issues as

installing the ATS

to handle all OSHA documents and NDIs

in order to better guarantee QC.

(whispering) Don't lay it on too thick.

I got this.

Quick, informal T&D sessions

to go over our BPOs.

BPO stands for Business

Processing Outsourcing.

That's got nothing to

do with our department.

(all agreeing)

Uh, I mean, uh, BPDs.

- Woman 1:
Oh, BPDs.

- Woman 2:
Fine.

(over PA system) They're buying it.

Sh*t. Do you think they heard that?

- Yes.

- Shut up.

(growling)

- (growling)

- Sam:
Pull me out. Pull me out.

Pull me out. Pull me out.

That way. Face me that

way. Face me that... Wait!

We are not the ones you wanna kill.

She is.

What the hell are you talking about?

Sam:
Oh... honey.

I-I've been in HR long

enough to know things.

Jill! Jill!

Remember when you were

gonna be made supervisor

and then you didn't get the job?

Well, that's because Lisa spread a rumor

that you and your husband

have cocaine orgies.

(all gasp)

That was one time,

and you were there.

She's lying. She's totally lying.

Katie! Katie!

Remember those baby

pictures you brought in?

Well, Lisa says that it looks like you...

f***ed a bag of potatoes.

(all gasp)

You're talking about my child?

Hold my wig.

I'm gonna kill you.

Oh! One more thing!

She keeps this department under budget

by setting the thermostat to cold!

In the wintertime!

(all gasp)

This is bullshit!

- Yeah!

- Lisa:
Don't listen to her.

- Get her!

- She's trying to turn us...

all against me.

- Guys, I like sweaters.

- Sic her!

Punish her!

Lisa:
You guys know me. We're friends.

We have Wine Wednesdays.

- (women growling)

- (Lisa screams)

You're a genius!

Let's go. Let's go. Let's

go. Let's go. Let's go.

That was great. Sad for Lisa, but great.

Lentworth, come on.

(men shouting)

Man:
No, no, no, no.

Don't try to play me, son.

Who you think you're talking

to? I ain't no punk b*tch.

If I say you need 55

cases of tear-gas rockets,

that's what you're gonna get,

or we're gonna have a f***ing problem!

Please, please, tell me

there's another way around this.

Wish I could. Only

way up to the exec level

is right through there.

I will send a f***ing

rocket to your house!

I will f***ing bury you, motherf***er!

(shouting continues)

- We should get weapons.

- Yeah.

Mo:
Hey, Des, this is

just like your video game.

Grabbing stuff from the aisles.

Except this is duct tape,

not cookies, obviously.

Des, are you making a video game?

Yeah, but it's no big deal.

Just a side thing, a hobby.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause it's silly.

I think it sounds cool.

Mo:
It's super cool.

I got a plan.

Cool.

Just so we're clear, my

principles still hold.

I'm not committing any acts of violence.

Dude, we're about to go into battle.

Why'd you even put that on?

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