Oh! What A Lovely War

I say,

the Archduke's got his wife with him.

I thought they usually kept her

out of sight.

Today is their

1 4th wedding anniversary.

I see.

So that's why she's been allowed out.

It's a pity he married beneath him.

What on earth will they do with her

when he inerits the Austrian empire?

Perhaps by that time, madame,

Austria will no longer have an empire.

My dear Monsieur Poincar.

Don't tell me you've got

some delicious piece of gossip.

You must understand, my dear,

that France doesn't approve of Austria

at the moment.

- Oh?

- Against Austria, nothing.

But their foreign minister...

Count Berchtold?

Why, he's absolutely charming.

He wishes to make a war

against Serbia,

so he crawls to the Kaiser for aid.

I don't think there'll be any war.

There speaks the true diplomat.

And if there is, there's certainly no need

for us to get involved.

Yes. Well, I mean,

you know, who cares?

Serbia's such a little country anyway,

you know.

And I mean, they're always

up to something, aren't they?

Serbia is little, madame,

but it will not be a little war.

Well, that's up to you

and the Russians, isn't it?

As you wish.

Please excuse me, madame.

Enchante.

Sir Edward.

- My dear Edward.

- Poldy.

Your Majesty, you know

the British Secretary

of State for Foreign Affairs,

Sir Edward Grey.

Count Helmuth von Moltke,

Chief of the German General Staff.

Still expanding your army and navy?

We like to keep busy.

Yes, we're off to sign the...

He's forced me to mobilise...

I see the French President

is hobnobbing with the Czar again.

I really think they mean

to fight with us over Serbia.

Quite ridiculous.

Couldrt you persuade your king

to have a talk to the Czar?

After all, they're cousins.

Why not ask the Kaiser?

He's a cousin of Nicholas, too.

Well, I hope the French haven't

encouraged you to do anything foolish.

Germany is with us.

It could be embarrassing.

- Because our royal family is German?

- Precisely.

I think they may be relied on

to play their part.

Excellent. Excellent.

After all,

the last thing any of us want is a war.

War?

War is unthinkable!

It is out of the question!

It would upset the balance of power.

We Germans are an industrious

and moral people.

We have earned the right to have

our say in the world's affairs.

The Republic of France

is the seat of reason,

the centre of world civilisation

and culture!

Now, look here. The British Empire

is the most magnificent example...

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen.

Ready for the shot, if you please!

Would the Italian

and Turkish gentlemen

move in a little closer, please?

Right. Nice smile for everybody!

Austrian Archduke assassinated.

Austrian Archduke assassinated!

Austrian Archduke assassinated!

Hey, wait for me!

I want to see the Emperor, too!

Count Berchtold? Count Berchtold!

Wait for me! Count Berchtold!

Have you signed the declaration of war,

Your Majesty?

Have you signed the declaration of war,

Your Majesty?

I have this report from the Commander

of the Fourth Army Corps.

"Serbian troops

have fired on our positions

"from steamers on the Danube.

"Our troops,

in order to defend themselves,

"were forced to return the enemy fire.

"A considerable skirmish developed."

"Assassination, terrorism...

"Failure to accede

to our legitimate demands,"

et cetera, et cetera.

"Austria now at war with Serbia."

The more so

since Serbian provocateurs

are already attacking

Austrian troop positions.

Hostilities have already begun.

But that wasrt true.

The Serbians haven't attacked anyone.

Of course not.

And as the information about the

Serbian attack has not been confirmed,

I have taken it upon myself

to erase all reference to the incident

from the declaration of war.

Your Majesties,

Your Excellencies, my lords,

gentlemen.

Ready when you are.

Take your places, please,

for the ever-popular war game.

Complete with songs, battles

and a few jokes.

The whole of Europe will explode

at any moment.

Can Germany do nothing to stop

the Austrians?

Apparently not.

We are the only country

prepared to help the Serbs.

If Russia mobilises, so will Germany.

France is bound by treaty to aid Russia.

Britain must make her position clear.

I think we should all stay calm.

I think we should all stay calm.

The world will be engulfed

in the most terrible of wars,

the ultimate aim of which

is the ruin of Germany.

England, France and Russia

are conspiring together to destroy us.

Your Majesty,

we know for a fact that

you are mobilising the Russian army.

Upon my word of honour,

you are wrong.

I do not doubt it,

but we have irrefutable proof.

- You want my word of honour in writing?

- No.

Thank you.

In that case, I can only repeat to you,

at this hour not one man,

not one horse has been called up.

I must congratulate you

on persuading Italy to join us.

Our allies are dropping away from us

like rotten apples,

even before the war has started.

General mobilisation is ordered

by the St Petersburg Council of War.

France has mobilised, too,

Your Imperial Majesty.

The encirclement of Germany

is an accomplished fact.

We have run our heads into a noose.

England?

She has not yet made up her mind.

- Abandon the plan.

- It is too late.

The wheels are already in motion.

Get in touch with my cousin,

King George V.

Inform him

my troops are being prevented,

by telephone and telegram,

from passing through Belgium.

They've gone into Luxembourg, sir.

The lamps are going out

all over Europe.

We shall not see them lit again

in our lifetime.

Notify Lieutenant Feldmann.

He is to withdraw immediately

from Luxembourg.

To retreat now would be disastrous.

We must go forward.

Very well.

Advance into Luxembourg!

The sword is drawn!

I cannot sheath it again

without victory and honour!

All of you shall and will see to it

that only in honour

is it returned to the scabbard.

Let every man look into his own heart

and his own feelings

and construe for himself

the extent of his obligation for himself.

Sir.

They've invaded Belgium.

Now you'll have to go to war.

You're wanted at headquarters, sir.

Your Majesty.

General's brigade, march!

We do not see any reason,

however distant, for a conflict.

May I beg Your Excellency

to express to His Majesty

my profound gratitude for all the

marks of friendship and consideration

which I have received

in the last eight months.

And assure him of the profound respect

of His Majesty the King,

who regards His Majesty

with deep veneration

and expresses the hope

that the most regrettable state of war

between Great Britain and the monarchy

may be of no long duration.

I am extremely perturbed at the thought

that we should find ourselves at conflict

with England

since the two countries

are so near to one another

politically and morally, with

traditional sympathies and interests.

Allow me to share your hope

that the present,

most unfortunate state of war

will be of no long duration

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