Oh Heavenly Dog Page #2

- My vacuum cleaner.

Computer

identification number.

- Pardon?

- I said, computer identification number.

Uh, I didn't know

I had one.

- [Gasps]

- BJ B779.

Seven months. Maybe six

if you're not picky about sex. Next?

Hold it! Hold it.

You don't understand.

I have to go back now.

Today. Right now.

- If these bastards would write

so somebody could read it.

- [Man] Follow that red line.

Mr. Higgins thinks you should

watch your language up here.

You wanna know

what Mr. Higgins can do?

- I don't think so. No.

- [Man]Just follow the red line.

An immediate return

means an L.G.R.

L.G.R.?

Lower Grade Returnable.

Ah, anthropoid...

bovine, equine, rodent...

- Excuse me. Miss? Hello?

- Marsupial, pachyderm...

- crustacean, canine.

- Excuse me. Wait a minute.

Those are animals.

I'm not going back as an animal.

I want a person.

I have an assignment.

I have to solve a murder and get

an innocent man out of jail.

- Now how can I do that as an animal?

- I have a dog.

Small mongrel due to be hit

by a garbage truck in 45 seconds.

I want to see Mr. Higgins. He didn't say

anything to me about animals.

Mr. Higgins suggested

you go back as a rat.

That bastard.

I just love the way

you say that.

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- You come with me into the back room.

- We're going to make sure you

don't go back to Earth...

- Can I use a phone?

- Hey, what about...

- as a little old rat.

- What about the garbage truck?

- Oh, I'm sure there'll be

another one along soon.

You're not really in that much

of a hurry, are you?

Yes. I'm in a hurry.

Big hurry. Very big hurry.

The garbage truck.

Right now. Right away. For sure.

- Can we do that?

- All right.

But I'll be waiting for you

when you get back.

- Uh-uh-uh.

- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

[Truck Horn Honking]

[Truck Horn Honking]

[Browning, Thinking]

Holy sh*t!

That was close.

Jesus, that was close!

Well, l... [Grunts]

Great.

It's amazing how much bigger

everything is from down here.

Well, not everything.

[Chuckles]

[Sneezing]

That's terrific.

They left me the cold.

Probably have worms too.

Ah, cute and fluffy to the rescue.

How the hell am I

gonna get around London?

Wait a minute.

This doesn't look like London.

It looks like... Paris!

- How the hell am I gonna get to London?

- [Car Door Closes]

I'll call you tonight. Will you be

in London or the country house?

- [Woman] London.

- Sorry.

- [Jackie] Do you know my new number?

- Yes.

But remember, Jackie, sex, sex, sex,

or it won't sell 10 copies.

Just get the contracts drawn.

We'll talk about sex later.

Don't tease me, Jackie.

You know how I feel about you.

- Like a father.

- I'll try and remember that.

Bernie.

You're giving me a fantastic opportunity.

I really appreciate it.

Just write a good book.

I'll call you tonight.

[Jackie] Don't you come making up to me.

I don't like dogs that bite.

[Thinking Continues] You tried

to throw me out. What choice did I have?

- What am I going to do with you?

- Well, we could...

Uh, not that,

or we could be in deep perverted trouble.

Thank you.

Thank you.

#[Man Singing]

#[Continues]

#[Singing Ends]

What does

BJ B779 mean, hmm?

If I could talk, I'd tell ya, but you

wouldn't believe it, so it doesn't matter.

- How about if I just

call you B.J. For short?

- Don't say "short."

I'm pretty sensitive

about my height.

[Benjamin] This is perfect.

You're headed right where I need to go.

Just take a left

at the next street, and...

Excuse me.

Uh, the other left.

Ah. Give me a break.

Think about my short, stubby little legs

and how tired they're gonna be...

if they have to walk

all the way across London.

Now, one more chance. Take a left

right here and we'll still be all right.

Okay, that did it.

I can see that we're

gonna have to separate.

Not that I want to, mind you. I mean,

we've hardly given it a fair chance...

but I've got this job to do and,

anyway, what can it all come to?

Another time,

another place.

Let's face it. I'm a dog now

and you're still a person.

Granted, one of the

most wonderful persons I've ever known...

but, I mean, really,

what can it come to?

You don't happen to know

any foxy little poodles, do you?

Miss Howard. Did you have a nice trip?

How was Paris?

Terrific. Warm for this time

of year, actually.

Oh, would you get my suitcase

from the boot and I'll get the dog. B.J.?

- B. J...!

- Please. This is

hard enough without tears.

One lousy left turn. She couldn't

make one left turn. All right.

What is this?

Great.

Pink scarf. Why do women

insist on doing things like this?

What am I gonna do with this?

Untie it?

I'm having enough of an identity crisis

without some womars pink scarf.

- Okay. Now we're looking good.

- [Bus Rumbling]

Racist.

[Sighs]

Well, here goes nothing.

Oh, hi. Maybe you remember me.

I was killed here.

[Groans]

Thank you.

Enjoyed it.

A simple "no" would have been just fine.

Two for two.

So much for the direct approach.

Wait a minute.

There's gotta be another way.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

# Once there was a way #

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That's it.

[Barking]

Wait a minute. I like cats.

At least I used to.

[Freddie Thinking] Oh, it's you.

Higgins told me you were coming.

- I know that voice. I know that voice.

- It's me, dummy.

Kitty, kitty.

I'm a Returnable too.

Freddie?

- I'm afraid so.

- You mean I can hear you think?

The Lord works

in mysterious ways.

But then doesn't

everybody up there?

- What happened?

- Oh, you won't believe this...

but about six blocks

from where I left you the other day...

I took this shortcut through

this one-way alley, and, well...

I never guessed a truck that big

could get into an alley that small.

My car looks like

a bottle cap.

They had to take me

to the Returnable desk in a baggy.

- Uh-huh.

- Anyway, Patricia Elliot's

kitchen window...

is the one with

the porcelain albatross on the sill.

- Freddie.

- The latch is broken, so there's

no problem getting in.

- No, Freddie.

- I went up there to steal some

food from her refrigerator.

A little bitey-poo?

But everything's rotted since she died.

Well, I gotta run.

- I just love your big brown eyes.

- Mm-hmm. Good-bye, Freddie.

Maybe I'll see ya later.

If you see Higgins, tell him

never mind about sending the rats.

I tried one of them

and I just don't like 'em.

That is truly awful.

This lady is very unusual.

Was very unusual.

I wish I had some idea

what I was looking for.

Where are the people?

I need pictures of people.

Hmph.

She was killed on the 15th.

So why is this thing turned to the 16th?

Uh-huh. There is no 15th.

That page is missing.

I need a clue.

And a pair of hands.

Higgins, you are an a**hole.

Ah. Now we're

getting somewhere.

# Phone numbers are the things

leads are made of #

246-8026.

Okay. Two...

Two, six...

Two. Sh*t.

Thanks for the fingers.

Oh, okay.

The old pencil

in the mouth trick.

Two, uh...

[Line Ringing]

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