Old Fashioned

1

I thought I'd always be alone.

Why?

It's what I deserve.

Oh, that's a bunch of hooey.

It's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I've never met anyone like you.

What are you so afraid of?

What do you think,

Mr. Joe? Home?

See what you think.

Wow!

This is nice!

I need some references,

of course.

Aren't you coming in?

I don't bite.

How do I know?

- What is this?

- What's what?

Come over here,

and I'll show you.

Seriously?

What's your deal, stress boy?

Please don't take it

personally, it's just...

I made a promise

to never be alone

with any woman

that's not my wife.

Oh!

That's sweet.

I think.

Is she the jealous type?

Oh, I'm not married.

- Engaged?

- No.

Living together?

Dating?

No, I don't date.

I have a theory about that.

So, who'd you make

this promise to?

Old fashioned, huh?

Yeah.

It's a little on the nose.

What can I say?

Three eligible bachelors remain,

and 25 single

and seductive ladies

are ready to do battle

to win the man of their dreams.

Tune in tonight.

Oh, come on, Clay.

Speak! I command you.

I'm not telling you nothin'.

Traitor!

I'm sworn to secrecy, man.

I gave my word to Lisa.

Oh, man, what'd she get me?

No way! I'd be dead.

You want me dead?

You're a coward.

You're a traitor and a coward.

All right, ladies.

That's it for the big stuff.

I don't know what

I would've done without you.

Yeah, you'll find out

soon enough.

We ain't going to L.A.

Oh!

Oh, man, is that

what I think it is?

Man!

Oh, feels like 100 years ago.

Should have been

undefeated, baby.

Come on.

Yes. Top of the key.

It's my fault.

I was wide open.

Hey, get in there.

Get the close up, man.

Get the close up.

Well, well, well,

this is a surprise.

After last night,

I figured I owed you one.

It was so good seeing you again.

It was.

Amazing.

So, uh, what's with the truck?

Oh, um, I got a new job.

Isn't that great?

Where?

Hollywood.

Los Angeles.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

You told me last night

I could move in.

Well, you can.

I didn't say with me.

I put a good word in for you

with the landlord.

In fact, I told him

to keep my security deposit

for your first month's rent.

No problem.

It's all yours.

Clay, stop judging me!

The only sin in this world,

you dinosaur, is being boring.

And, brother, I am not guilty.

And that's why

I'm going nationwide.

Syndication, baby!

Live on the radio

from the City of Angels.

My heart weeps for America.

Oh, come on, you're gonna miss

me, so will what's her face.

Okay, here's an idea.

How 'bout this?

Why don't you

just crawl back under

that cute little antique shop

and make up some more

theories you never test out

at the grown up table

anymore, hmm?

I didn't do anything unto her

that I didn't want done unto me.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Seriously, though, I'm sorry.

Seriously, though, remember

that summer in Myrtle Beach

with the redheaded

cheerleader and her...

Oh, come on,

that is my favorite story.

Will you please just...

please, Daddy?

Please?

When I was a child, I talked

like a child, I thought like a...

Oh, here we go.

The hermit has a proclamation.

Oh, come on, man!

No, please, by all means,

don't let me interrupt you.

So, tomorrow, right?

Tomorrow.

Women are stupid.

Every single one of them

loves to believe

in some sort of fairytale,

offer the illusion of security,

just pretend everything

is gonna be okay.

And abracadabra!

Lines are open.

Give Lucky Chucky a call.

You know the number,

you lemmings.

Pick up the phone...

Tim from Lakeland,

you're on the air.

Live the dream, my brother.

My brother, live the dream.

Do you have what it takes?

Do I have what it takes?

Hey, man, you know

I got what it takes.

Do you have any idea

how many hot, stupid women

there are in California?

- Seven?

- Keep going!

- Twenty-five?

- Add a couple of zeros.

- Twenty-five thousand?

- Keep going.

- Five million?

- Double that.

- Ten million?

- More.

Oh, man,

I can't count that high.

I can. Next caller, anonymous,

you're on the air.

You're disgusting.

Mom, is that you?

If I was your mother, I...

Yeah, what would you do?

Would you punish me?

You know, men like you...

Yes, men like me!

How much

do you weigh, sweetheart?

How much?

Don't be shy, honey.

How much?

One-sixty?

One-seventy?

Are you pushing two bills?

Come on,

you can be honest with me.

Mom?

Did we lose her?

Did we lose my mom? Fine.

You know,

I'm no knight in shining armor.

There are no knights

in shining armor.

But you seem to think

you're Cinderella, don't you?

Don't you?

See, I wanna help.

I wanna help you see the truth.

And the truth is

there are no Cinderellas either.

Sure, you say you want

a sweet guy, a Prince Charming,

but guys like that

bore you to tears, don't they?

Following you around

like a little lost puppy dog

until your mind, not to mention

every other part of you,

goes numb.

Are you sweet?

Are you faithful, huh?

Are you honest?

Are you all those things

you say you want?

No.

You see, on those late

and lonely nights

when you're all alone,

solo, abandoned, lost,

clutching the corner

of your pillow,

you want one thing,

and that is a guy like me,

so you get what

you get, girlfriend.

Women are just like men.

Everyone wants it both ways.

Morning! Yo!

Hey, knock knock.

Uh, who's there?

Ain't thought

that far ahead yet.

Let's go!

Get the lead out!

Come on!

Busy man!

Oh yeah?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Couple of pieces, I don't know.

You like anything?

Eh, you should really

tie that stuff down.

Hello there?

You've been holding out on me.

Where you been?

George.

What? All my life,

where have you been?

Down, boy.

How's the wife?

Oh, mean as a snake.

You settling in okay?

So far, so good.

Just call me

if you need anything.

And call me if you

need anything else.

I'll do that.

- Just moved in.

- Lucky you. - Not my type.

How do you know?

So help me, man.

I worry about you.

I'll take the wall mirror.

Yeah.

You would.

You can't leave me.

So, this is it.

The time has come, my brothers.

It has been a long

and oh-so tasty ride so far,

but, remember, this isn't

goodbye to you, the faithful.

No, my luscious body

might be moving to Hollywood,

but my voice... you'll know

exactly where to find me.

I am not going anywhere.

Hi.

Uh.

Um.

- You're kidding.

- Nuh-uh.

No offense, but I think

I could resist you.

So, this theory of yours,

I'm curious.

You're bored.

Don't tell me what I am.

Sorry.

Forgiven.

You're religious?

Spiritual.

I believe in God,

but it's not like I believe

in everything that's

in the Bible or anything.

What parts of it

do you believe exactly?

Your theory, spill it.

I want to know.

You don't want to know.

Make me ask you again

and I'm coming in there,

theory or no theory.

Open that door,

I raise your rent.

Okay, okay.

Calm down.

I am calm.

You just stay outside.

So you won't be alone

with a woman?

That's the plan.

Anywhere?

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